I think modified, I walk along a string, tiny mouse, pinpoint feet, pen

Handwritten notes, thank you, pass by, hold

Ah this one “words spelled wrong” ah from our heart, a mess, never said, professional words, look good, can’t say this .. have a tea, recover, actually never said it, represented by this page .. ah we could have a mountain of a book, like open tiny paperback covers a mountain springs out “yikes I’m scared” anybody’s heart I’m scared.

No way to deal with it, is it all written on computer or glow screen or intersperse with damned terrible handwritten “I know you” “I barely know you” /take a little at a time, generalized human, one person, flesh “I think I’m in flesh” / I have a mind, back here / “my flesh thinks it sees all kinds of things around it”  but I’m still back here

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Ah this one “even in person” try to say something “the big thing” never get to it, need a book, to help us, wander through 90,000 pages, why not a million thousand, the whole world’s, odd book attracts us, nothing we’re ever going to say …

Ah I spin the dice land on a page, deep meditation I don’t do, but author doesn’t castigate me, what does that word mean ha ha, ah fuck go home I say to myself, no way in my whole life I’m ever going to work on this, strict chi kung meditation hours a day, but he has a dirty mind, funny mind, sometimes, /sometimes cleaned up, oh okay

I wander pick a little bit, not be scared, I guess he’s a friend, I sketch or print some of the words out snip them out or cut them with an xacto blade on a cutting mat wavy cut, be careful hold it properly don’t be a fool, but have unusual lines shadows levels of paper oh glue stick pencil crayons see what I can do, various variations circus, quiet circus, walk dog, sit alone, don’t have a dog, like them, see them smile, trot, easy lope, love to see relaxed dog, with its owner, taking a nice walk, ah the human mind, so frustrated, in there, back a space, what’s in there I don’t know

Easy lope, enjoy the walk .. day after day strange fucked up book following us along

Ah I like handwritten notes, someone thank you, did something for them, ah big author touch us small ways worldwide universal theme intense meditation we’ll never get to, intense write from it, present yourself to world, get out here, we all lope in, wag our tail like to be with you mr. author

Just a dog too

play

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Ah you know “salivating” “for some salvation” like junkfood salvation, there’s a good title for a terrible restaurant, actually serve healthy “what? I don’t get your name” ah all of us in there smart, in our guts, pff, something some place, rolling acid, spitting soup, an island, inside us, sit a while, stare out here.

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Ah sit with me talk a little don’t talk at all, not adversarial, just talk a little, wear out, still like each other’s company, not a lot to say, world is weird

Ah draw a few pictures get it to encourage to talk in some new weird way we’re not all so sick of, to do with meditation, to do with things you can’t feel if you don’t do the meditation

Ah

I’ll read about it anyway “you’re funny, eric”

We like keeping tags on you, price you, kick you along, just kidding – c’mere give me a hug

We all have trapdoors to depression so bad we never make it through

Glad you made it through

I like to follow, from a distance, not fall in too

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Oh world, whatcha gonna do, make money, make a living – you only, eric, or share, we almost meditate too, see way to make a living, make it through

Work on depression, killing-things inside, but survive pay the bills

Make a better world

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Ah “give it all” sit there you look okay “been eating okay?” “yeah I guess” “good” / look at you some more, look away, sip my coffee, you sip yours, spit it at me I spit mine at you, I cover you with some bubblegum I been chewing, no.

So what do we got left “ah eric you draw your drawings, you got a handle on this I don’t”  “But clem you got something inside, you want to work on, you got a hankering to work on”  he glares at me.  “No I don’t.”  He sets his mouth, like to give a tirade.  “How dare you?  fancy writer man.  Go get published in a magazine.  Use it for toilet paper.”  // but later he looks at this writing you know?  He sure it does.  Somehnin.  You know all of us, no one approaches us the right way.  I don’t either.

We all make our way without this, tired of the million fuckling books or so, so fucking tired of them would like to hill them, rufke them down ior flip psges be so hungry but be so scared it’s just another dang thing that disappoints us./ spell better here oky I don’t fucking csre uf you’re a avsnte gsrde pruck or not/  Bad luck lucj bad superstotion to open up another book, have it happen again.  be disappointed  But we do we can’t help it or some page art perfuirmsbce choice washed rags sewin on cardboard for cute covers lash whip yesh I;m jusy a ciwbidy sucty slicker. city bksck clthes shiny someilk no elk but I’ll pick up shirt art draw crazy I sure will.

Fumclk you gitta try something.

They’re all conceited little fastduring durabley think on time off nasty pricks but who cares guves a chance fyck give them all a chance.  Be generousAh lobesome world, going downhill.

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“world scan” ah if anyone gave a shit about this understood this deep in the way I do, ah help me adjust, feel firm, stand there with you handle “usual life mind” ah that’s it for me that’s all I can do “me too” /and fuck all this, we don’t say, not rude ..

But how do you do it ..

Anyway ..

Human handle the strange “are we made of matter” plop that like toast, ice cream toast or I don’t know what that plop is, don’t say these weird things to me

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Never make it worldwide okay, open eyes, open hearts, surgery, slimy rude funny with words “oh are we uppity now too?” never get it going

You inside

Leave it alone

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Hey lonely weirdo don’t come on all popular

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“push paper wall at me, show me a little, city in you, smile one” whatever the fuck that means? are you some clever artiste? how ’bout a punch in the face? // but really papers a million papers waste of trees and pulp spit some, camel spit on you, do horses spit too see one waiting at a bus stop, spits on ground grosses you out, civilization carry on.

Ah deep wonderful meaning in poetic words, cranky tired dirty, good combination, I’ll eat that hamburger .. but show me, some better city, right where we are, can’t tear it all down, don’t want to blow it up, hurt anybody, just move on from anger confusion actually have a pretty and tender love for humans “refuse to change” “keep saying it’s okay” / reach them, they try a little shitty balance scrawl, eyes closed feel edge of paper with fingers “ah fuck, eric, messy humans I know what yiouy mean”

I kniw whst you mean

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Ah no mugging no steal no push against wall, warm, unless you’re lovers, get her, be jokey, smokey, demure eyes, rowboat tongue, what does that mean, rock her, ha rock, rock her mound of luscious cantaloupe over your face .. now what was I talking about here/ oh yeah the world, saving the world/ well really all this is/ is me trying to be an artist, ah so much has been done, nothing is new, no wait I’m lying that’s not what I’m doing “but eric how do we get into galleries? You can’t even get into a gallery, ha ha” yeah it’s true oh it’s years since I tried, I had a breakdown, or one a long time ago, slow release antihistamine/ what? Hiss at me? no, but nervous breakdowns, but this second time I had meditation to go along with it, so makes for a pretty wild book .. but just stress, my poor mom, she passed away, oh I helped her with meditation she took it up I took it up, she was sick in bed .. but it brought her peace, a little .. then I continued on with it .. but I had a questionable girlfriend at the time, didn’t know she was questionable, this is how it goes .. ah the mind rolls along gets a flat tire goes off the road .. hopefully you don’t flip around up and over too many times

Come to rest

Write this book

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Sick, bloody, well in feelings, not actually, ah pick yourself up, like a million other people around the world.

Sick situations.

Horror, finding out things.

Ah land in jail, for “criminal harassment” ah sent her letters, wanted to know, what went wrong, then she called cops .. well, you know, I didn’t threaten her in letters, have never threatened anyone, just wanted to know the truth, ah when I finally found out, gradually, through other people, through it dawning on me, things she said, meeting her parents, things

Pretty shocking

But life, /and the park, I would go, exercise, didn’t know the car was tracked, computer was tapped, ah other girl, stripper in a bar, wanted to know me, sort of the wrong way/ ah, and a girl in the park, I don’t know, sort of wanted to know her spiritually, /my mind was fucked up, lost sight of her, ability to recognize her face, but somehow, in the mixture, other people met her, by things I said to still other people, anyways she ended up reading this book too, back a ways from any this I put on the blog .. it really is a 90,000 page book, and has all these qualities, drawings .. / ..and soothe us .. back from the city .. back from the country .. ah life .. I was lucky I was meditating, saw strange babyish peace, or high-on-high peace I don’t know which

But we all have our troubles

Didn’t kill anybody never have killed anybody

Want peace

Hard go

Hard reality, recalcitrant people, don’t want to change, fake peace, or image of it, doesn’t do the trick, or a little real, doesn’t last

So dig deep in strange strange ways

Takes a long time

Follow along

I think we all wish we were insane and creative and did meditation

Just on a lark

Don’t actually want to do it

Change the world

Fucking world. Fuck off

And settle, don’t be so mean-mouthed rude

All of us more mentally ill than we care recognize .. hold it together don’t risk being reminded read anything agree with anything get help quiet reading book

Tricky that, trust the man, trust me, “don’t hurt us” trust you a viable huge project like this, for the world

Our little papers

Our little handwritten notes

Make a living, do meditation

Save the world, but ah all the ugly preliminary work, the stuff we miss, in our fantasies, that just don’t work

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Oh it’s a long story lots of details, counterfeiting of currency, that was way back there somewhere, at 19, 20, even before that, that was way back in history the olden days ah I’m 53 now, sit here, my mom passed on in 2002, January 10^th, it’s now April 9^th, 2014, my dad passed away last year, 2013, 11 years after my mom passed away, ah a long story, /this book takes up .. a year after my mom died? I’m not sure, but my dad died August 9^th, 2013, last year, I took care of them both, well my mom there was a lot of nurses here, in the house, there was family then too, a little, but my dad, not at all, and he went into a home at the end, his Parkinson’s got so bad, he couldn’t walk anymore, get to the bathroom, these things, he needed a hydraulic lift beside the bed, just couldn’t do that here .. /oh my sad life, like a lot of us, aging parents

And then all this going on besides the point

All this

So the pressure has been enormous, at times

But carry on

And how does it all fit together? Maybe that’s enough for now, police surveillance on me, a stripper girl surveillance on me, and the girl from the park, she watching a little too .. ah what responsibility, to come through, ah a dirty world, sometimes clean

When do we all get up on top of it able to handle it, humble broken all conceit knocked out of us a punch in the gut

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Ah very messy “figure it all out”

A messy plate, my plate, your plate, the world’s, and just with each of us, each human being, very strange to be us .. on one hand we want to think it’s pretty standard, you know, get a job, after some education, and meet a girl, get along, go out on a few dates .. I don’t know, piece together life .. but always in the background “nothing to do with us” pretty strange things, this little planet “oh don’t talk about that eric nothing to do with us”

Until I did meditation I didn’t think much about it either

It’s been a long development

Gathering up the world all facets of it, criminal, kind, lackadaisical, read a bit, fuck books, /love books, /haven’t read one in a while, just do my own thing, adapt, out ahead of the pack, holeshot, like in motocross, first through the first turn, gone, /pull over, some other town, some other space – even do anything about anything, through all this, grab the right pieces, /as if anyone can encourage all of us to grab the right pieces, even know how /“you sound like you’ve had a nasty life, Eric” but all of us, nasty, painful, look at things with some sincerity .. ugly .. the mysteries, never know what you might find, deep down in a human “ever going to deal with it?” “your whole life?” “you want it easy, or you want a real life?” tender look at some difficult things, you scrunch up your brow, want to get away with it without ever doing that, all of us do, it’s painful enough

I don’t have the strength

I just don’t have the strength

-

And so we are we still read this we sigh edge in on it pillow get an elbow on a pillow shimmy slide bark grunt get a good place start to read

-

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/ ..

../

pictures, lomp .. we romp we get so involved, emptiness, enlarged, hapless knapsacks, carry around, papers, as to us talking, talking forbidden, we couldn't come up with it anyways, no laws, just unable, frozen on topics beyond us, the universe

Pictures, lomp

We all just carry pictures drawings “anyone could do them” but our scrawl our design mess “anyone could do them” “my kid could do them” but yes can they talk, past the drawings, sit down look at me talk to me.  We stare.  Are frozen.  Stone.  Required, this modern world, reach deep, made of matter, at some point reverse up chi kung meditation mind beam, matter beam, purpose beam of entire earth, tell me, now tell me you freak, combine that in, you fucking freak.

Ah no look at me.  We only seek bridges, of this into our sad depressed world.  Ruined.  On perfect.  Lines.  Beginning thought it was what we wanted perfect so in line, fine lines.  I watched.  I looked closely.  I imagined.  I magnified.  Then I just came back to this, 30 or 40 years later, mentally ill, bashed around pushed, but calm, found meditation, fine lines became this I actually have something to say.

Maybe.

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Oh the world no love or none you can trust everyone a creature inside they cannot reach no one says anything no one knows how.  We follow a clumsy book, zippy images almost catch us, we’re encouraged, we make our own, start off in them.  Start this.  Oh, bunkum, or everyone so confident, in a ruined world, crazy confident, you just shake, fall in line, or carry knapsack, of papers, based in investing in you, stupid you.  Or no confidence, in a ruined world.  Want to change it.  Or cannot even speak.

Sit at a table.

Push forward drawings.

“Somewhere in me I can almost organize thoughts.  Put them together.  To talk on this.  Say first words, other being, convince you, or she is invisible, little thing, prayer being, from deep meditation, kaput insanity, saved insanity, teacup, poodle, nah, just jokes, we’re all jokes, or serious, not from this world, facade of matter, made of matter, the ego insists it’s true, did you break it down, wrestle with it, win, in meditation? Get more?

Now tell me the story.  Or as much as you can remember.  Can remember nothing.  “does anyone love you?” I ask patiently.  Young person, older person, clean, well-kept, knapsack, no rips, sit with me, no farts, what, sit, piece this out, show me beginnings, new being, past human of matter, physical looks, presence, we are stopped, can go no further in evolution.

Tell me.

In your media, or you in person, why should I invest in you?  As a person?  as certificates.  Of authenticity.  Invest.  art.  Anyone can do.  But you talk.  Peep.  Such a fool.  Can’t even get the beginnings of this out.  Our next evolution.

Why are you here, I’ve seen your little website, short videos, are you nervous, give me sleepy in bed, or huddle in covers simple video are you comfortable there can you give me anything at all?

Appear in life final hurdle can’t do it

None of us can

So enlovetished with ourselves private hugs

Or develop anything away from it all don’t break, suburban home, alone, don’t break, sway public opinion, en large, all these little critters, scurrying around, mice, for next evolution, say nothing, are just huddled, scared, private art do nothing art each of us has

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“truthed into peace” I saw that attached to some beads for sale, clay beads, rough squashed scratched marked intentionally feel me organic sad, “is your sad organic?”/ no it’s professional/ “oh” .. and so it is .. wads of wanderer never take your papers out show me beyond money “i money earth” my mood the mother got lost, nurturing, on the way to town, wandered into a forest, sat down

Was prepared to tell the city-dwellers something

Then just wandered off sat down in where she belonged again

Shrinking

She doesn’t have the guts

Or knows her place

Trees grit their teeth are soon chain-sawed down to appear later as bookshelves, for books like this

Oh woe is me

“entertain me, fool” says the big man

I listen to you why would I listen to any of you fools care about the environment in your head moss do you have a bench I’d like to sit

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Ah we all .. junk food and crap .. try to get by .. Jeremy pushes his papers across the table, to Stan, the big man, owns lots of companies “why should I even talk to you moss in the head man?” we are something

Oh yes you are I’m tired of trees and grass and walking barefooted in bliss, but I like being inside your mind

Show me the green there

Green grass parks peace

Have you fucking done the meditation boy? Broken your harangued crazy human like all of us have?

I want to see that

The new green

The new forests

Show me what no one has ever shown before the depths the peace off this planet

Go up the mind beam matter beam made this world what seems to be true, the forests here, but show me the forests there whatever is there my home not this fake lie even I feel it I love it oh screw off all the arguments green versus concrete, I really need a universal mushy stunning strange truth

I need the weird through the blur wall in me strange being through the blur wall

Can you piece that together have seen it in meditation slow kind gradually session after session it comes into view, into your nirorymal everyday coty iof the workld country/ spell right olease lsnes huimsn with feey on ground you hsve thst fucking stramge I’ll sit wat no pressere/ what are yiu saying here shouli slap your face/ you hsve semntences? Camn put together words? look at realityme? hiw do you do it, did yiu just do it/ show me sheets/ ered wiggly kiones inder mistakes sketch whst stramge adaptation to get it here no one befire you has ever dine it

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Oh what do any of us have, communication, sentences, wiggly red lines, not seen, don’t step out of line, what you say, your face, body, person, see it through, one years old to 67 or whatever it is, and then be bang out of here, don’t want to deal with people and sense.

So incensed, to make money, make bargains, and green life, forests inside, give me a taste, a genuine through the locked door I feel special.

No hooker, hooker for words, special words, slut, bargoon, tongue me, no don’t be gross, I need this, in my old age in my young age, feel compelled reach for this special stuff words beyond me take me far just begin here.

I need the sentence broken open but nit with a knife ir a moltic cocktail

Please

Pesce

Hippie clithes, hippiesemntences/ what were those just there, peace, hippie clothes hippie sentences

Fina;;yy

Stramnge vibrations oh benign look clothed the same way to me I think you’re

I look closer oh appesr nirmal clotjhed ckean oerazin/ am I high save me invest in you media of wirds/ birds/ whst you say literate casreful chasmge dsring

Show me some the red scrawled line wiggle by hand under poorly spelled words yeah baby you do it fine, doors to forest inside, it’s all I fucking want now, I’m numb to do-gooders outside

It’s nit empugh, anymore

Not enough, tease me opening in impossible invisible

-

I think we all grow up into wondering why tugged along grow up who says the right things for the numb teddy bear thick gush gel slightly yellow coloured sunglasses can say nothing “what is life?” “can say none of that” I can’t form it, what would work, to convince you, I’d feel good about it, you’d feel good about it, I never begin, I get there to daylight or nighttime or anytime I don’t even tell my wife, no one, naked clothed, any human situation, I fit in, it’s good enough it’s big the stimulation I tell no one, I forget about it, could never form it anyway, but it bothers me, ah find red wiggly lines over-accentuate meaning of them, take it far dumb artist

Take it far

Ah I’m not drunk with you, you’re not a drinking buddy

I’m not

We all need to face this, un-aplomb unsmooth why warm, veils warm, unmoving frozen in life in all this every time

Why you give scant almost there get through to me almost clear

Why you give

Hated complication too many words you need a million to get anything across to me

Why you give

So happy, to give, this way, for every push ambition to explain why you went off somewhere in your head your mind your being skipped off can’t tell me can’t even tell yourself, other line other sidewalk, walked away, were somewhere else, through the blur into you unknown being with unknown doors back in you, up the chi kung mind beam for the purpose of all this .. tell me stranger, normalize it, monetize it, make a living, counselor or whatever the fuck you are, I need to know where people go, at all points of the day, in sleep too? is it? but their eyes hardly show it I look at them they hardly show it, I can’t ask, take it this far, I can never take it this far

Help me with it

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