Handwritten notes, thank you, pass by, hold
Ah this one “words spelled wrong” ah from our heart, a mess, never said, professional words, look good, can’t say this .. have a tea, recover, actually never said it, represented by this page .. ah we could have a mountain of a book, like open tiny paperback covers a mountain springs out “yikes I’m scared” anybody’s heart I’m scared.
No way to deal with it, is it all written on computer or glow screen or intersperse with damned terrible handwritten “I know you” “I barely know you” /take a little at a time, generalized human, one person, flesh “I think I’m in flesh” / I have a mind, back here / “my flesh thinks it sees all kinds of things around it” but I’m still back here
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Ah this one “even in person” try to say something “the big thing” never get to it, need a book, to help us, wander through 90,000 pages, why not a million thousand, the whole world’s, odd book attracts us, nothing we’re ever going to say …
Ah I spin the dice land on a page, deep meditation I don’t do, but author doesn’t castigate me, what does that word mean ha ha, ah fuck go home I say to myself, no way in my whole life I’m ever going to work on this, strict chi kung meditation hours a day, but he has a dirty mind, funny mind, sometimes, /sometimes cleaned up, oh okay
I wander pick a little bit, not be scared, I guess he’s a friend, I sketch or print some of the words out snip them out or cut them with an xacto blade on a cutting mat wavy cut, be careful hold it properly don’t be a fool, but have unusual lines shadows levels of paper oh glue stick pencil crayons see what I can do, various variations circus, quiet circus, walk dog, sit alone, don’t have a dog, like them, see them smile, trot, easy lope, love to see relaxed dog, with its owner, taking a nice walk, ah the human mind, so frustrated, in there, back a space, what’s in there I don’t know
Easy lope, enjoy the walk .. day after day strange fucked up book following us along
Ah I like handwritten notes, someone thank you, did something for them, ah big author touch us small ways worldwide universal theme intense meditation we’ll never get to, intense write from it, present yourself to world, get out here, we all lope in, wag our tail like to be with you mr. author
Just a dog too
play
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Ah you know “salivating” “for some salvation” like junkfood salvation, there’s a good title for a terrible restaurant, actually serve healthy “what? I don’t get your name” ah all of us in there smart, in our guts, pff, something some place, rolling acid, spitting soup, an island, inside us, sit a while, stare out here.
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Ah sit with me talk a little don’t talk at all, not adversarial, just talk a little, wear out, still like each other’s company, not a lot to say, world is weird
Ah draw a few pictures get it to encourage to talk in some new weird way we’re not all so sick of, to do with meditation, to do with things you can’t feel if you don’t do the meditation
Ah
I’ll read about it anyway “you’re funny, eric”
We like keeping tags on you, price you, kick you along, just kidding – c’mere give me a hug
We all have trapdoors to depression so bad we never make it through
Glad you made it through
I like to follow, from a distance, not fall in too
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Oh world, whatcha gonna do, make money, make a living – you only, eric, or share, we almost meditate too, see way to make a living, make it through
Work on depression, killing-things inside, but survive pay the bills
Make a better world
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Ah “give it all” sit there you look okay “been eating okay?” “yeah I guess” “good” / look at you some more, look away, sip my coffee, you sip yours, spit it at me I spit mine at you, I cover you with some bubblegum I been chewing, no.
So what do we got left “ah eric you draw your drawings, you got a handle on this I don’t” “But clem you got something inside, you want to work on, you got a hankering to work on” he glares at me. “No I don’t.” He sets his mouth, like to give a tirade. “How dare you? fancy writer man. Go get published in a magazine. Use it for toilet paper.” // but later he looks at this writing you know? He sure it does. Somehnin. You know all of us, no one approaches us the right way. I don’t either.
We all make our way without this, tired of the million fuckling books or so, so fucking tired of them would like to hill them, rufke them down ior flip psges be so hungry but be so scared it’s just another dang thing that disappoints us./ spell better here oky I don’t fucking csre uf you’re a avsnte gsrde pruck or not/ Bad luck lucj bad superstotion to open up another book, have it happen again. be disappointed But we do we can’t help it or some page art perfuirmsbce choice washed rags sewin on cardboard for cute covers lash whip yesh I;m jusy a ciwbidy sucty slicker. city bksck clthes shiny someilk no elk but I’ll pick up shirt art draw crazy I sure will.
Fumclk you gitta try something.
They’re all conceited little fastduring durabley think on time off nasty pricks but who cares guves a chance fyck give them all a chance. Be generousAh lobesome world, going downhill.
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“world scan” ah if anyone gave a shit about this understood this deep in the way I do, ah help me adjust, feel firm, stand there with you handle “usual life mind” ah that’s it for me that’s all I can do “me too” /and fuck all this, we don’t say, not rude ..
But how do you do it ..
Anyway ..
Human handle the strange “are we made of matter” plop that like toast, ice cream toast or I don’t know what that plop is, don’t say these weird things to me
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Never make it worldwide okay, open eyes, open hearts, surgery, slimy rude funny with words “oh are we uppity now too?” never get it going
You inside
Leave it alone
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Hey lonely weirdo don’t come on all popular
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“push paper wall at me, show me a little, city in you, smile one” whatever the fuck that means? are you some clever artiste? how ’bout a punch in the face? // but really papers a million papers waste of trees and pulp spit some, camel spit on you, do horses spit too see one waiting at a bus stop, spits on ground grosses you out, civilization carry on.
Ah deep wonderful meaning in poetic words, cranky tired dirty, good combination, I’ll eat that hamburger .. but show me, some better city, right where we are, can’t tear it all down, don’t want to blow it up, hurt anybody, just move on from anger confusion actually have a pretty and tender love for humans “refuse to change” “keep saying it’s okay” / reach them, they try a little shitty balance scrawl, eyes closed feel edge of paper with fingers “ah fuck, eric, messy humans I know what yiouy mean”
I kniw whst you mean
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Ah no mugging no steal no push against wall, warm, unless you’re lovers, get her, be jokey, smokey, demure eyes, rowboat tongue, what does that mean, rock her, ha rock, rock her mound of luscious cantaloupe over your face .. now what was I talking about here/ oh yeah the world, saving the world/ well really all this is/ is me trying to be an artist, ah so much has been done, nothing is new, no wait I’m lying that’s not what I’m doing “but eric how do we get into galleries? You can’t even get into a gallery, ha ha” yeah it’s true oh it’s years since I tried, I had a breakdown, or one a long time ago, slow release antihistamine/ what? Hiss at me? no, but nervous breakdowns, but this second time I had meditation to go along with it, so makes for a pretty wild book .. but just stress, my poor mom, she passed away, oh I helped her with meditation she took it up I took it up, she was sick in bed .. but it brought her peace, a little .. then I continued on with it .. but I had a questionable girlfriend at the time, didn’t know she was questionable, this is how it goes .. ah the mind rolls along gets a flat tire goes off the road .. hopefully you don’t flip around up and over too many times
Come to rest
Write this book
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Sick, bloody, well in feelings, not actually, ah pick yourself up, like a million other people around the world.
Sick situations.
Horror, finding out things.
Ah land in jail, for “criminal harassment” ah sent her letters, wanted to know, what went wrong, then she called cops .. well, you know, I didn’t threaten her in letters, have never threatened anyone, just wanted to know the truth, ah when I finally found out, gradually, through other people, through it dawning on me, things she said, meeting her parents, things
Pretty shocking
But life, /and the park, I would go, exercise, didn’t know the car was tracked, computer was tapped, ah other girl, stripper in a bar, wanted to know me, sort of the wrong way/ ah, and a girl in the park, I don’t know, sort of wanted to know her spiritually, /my mind was fucked up, lost sight of her, ability to recognize her face, but somehow, in the mixture, other people met her, by things I said to still other people, anyways she ended up reading this book too, back a ways from any this I put on the blog .. it really is a 90,000 page book, and has all these qualities, drawings .. / ..and soothe us .. back from the city .. back from the country .. ah life .. I was lucky I was meditating, saw strange babyish peace, or high-on-high peace I don’t know which
But we all have our troubles
Didn’t kill anybody never have killed anybody
Want peace
Hard go
Hard reality, recalcitrant people, don’t want to change, fake peace, or image of it, doesn’t do the trick, or a little real, doesn’t last
So dig deep in strange strange ways
Takes a long time
Follow along
I think we all wish we were insane and creative and did meditation
Just on a lark
Don’t actually want to do it
Change the world
Fucking world. Fuck off
And settle, don’t be so mean-mouthed rude
All of us more mentally ill than we care recognize .. hold it together don’t risk being reminded read anything agree with anything get help quiet reading book
Tricky that, trust the man, trust me, “don’t hurt us” trust you a viable huge project like this, for the world
Our little papers
Our little handwritten notes
Make a living, do meditation
Save the world, but ah all the ugly preliminary work, the stuff we miss, in our fantasies, that just don’t work
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Oh it’s a long story lots of details, counterfeiting of currency, that was way back there somewhere, at 19, 20, even before that, that was way back in history the olden days ah I’m 53 now, sit here, my mom passed on in 2002, January 10th, it’s now April 9th, 2014, my dad passed away last year, 2013, 11 years after my mom passed away, ah a long story, /this book takes up .. a year after my mom died? I’m not sure, but my dad died August 9th, 2013, last year, I took care of them both, well my mom there was a lot of nurses here, in the house, there was family then too, a little, but my dad, not at all, and he went into a home at the end, his Parkinson’s got so bad, he couldn’t walk anymore, get to the bathroom, these things, he needed a hydraulic lift beside the bed, just couldn’t do that here .. /oh my sad life, like a lot of us, aging parents
And then all this going on besides the point
All this
So the pressure has been enormous, at times
But carry on
And how does it all fit together? Maybe that’s enough for now, police surveillance on me, a stripper girl surveillance on me, and the girl from the park, she watching a little too .. ah what responsibility, to come through, ah a dirty world, sometimes clean
When do we all get up on top of it able to handle it, humble broken all conceit knocked out of us a punch in the gut
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Ah very messy “figure it all out”
A messy plate, my plate, your plate, the world’s, and just with each of us, each human being, very strange to be us .. on one hand we want to think it’s pretty standard, you know, get a job, after some education, and meet a girl, get along, go out on a few dates .. I don’t know, piece together life .. but always in the background “nothing to do with us” pretty strange things, this little planet “oh don’t talk about that eric nothing to do with us”
Until I did meditation I didn’t think much about it either
It’s been a long development
Gathering up the world all facets of it, criminal, kind, lackadaisical, read a bit, fuck books, /love books, /haven’t read one in a while, just do my own thing, adapt, out ahead of the pack, holeshot, like in motocross, first through the first turn, gone, /pull over, some other town, some other space – even do anything about anything, through all this, grab the right pieces, /as if anyone can encourage all of us to grab the right pieces, even know how /“you sound like you’ve had a nasty life, Eric” but all of us, nasty, painful, look at things with some sincerity .. ugly .. the mysteries, never know what you might find, deep down in a human “ever going to deal with it?” “your whole life?” “you want it easy, or you want a real life?” tender look at some difficult things, you scrunch up your brow, want to get away with it without ever doing that, all of us do, it’s painful enough
I don’t have the strength
I just don’t have the strength
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And so we are we still read this we sigh edge in on it pillow get an elbow on a pillow shimmy slide bark grunt get a good place start to read
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/ ..
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