an unknown career in meditation

Ah “a career in meditation” and just going crazy, stress, 20 people, a 100, 200, blah boom piss sigh, sit down, shut up, get through it, whatever way you can, loser, no money, or loser with money, 20% loser .. ah .. anyways, who knows what’s going on “people are pretty impressive” “they know what’s going on” they’re pretty good at it, I rarely want to stand up there and question them, ah the men they have a strong jaw, did a good job on the shave this morning, and the women, clear eyes, smart, peer in at you, eagle eyes .. I have nothing to say really.

You all know how to do it really good.

Ah off to the side somewhere is where we all really are.

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//

Sunday, January 19, 2014  11:15 am

So here we are, I started a little magnification .. /oh, what would you call this whole book, like a reality show, a bit more dignified, follows in words, pictures, my attempt at another consciousness, seriously, with thousands of hours of hardcore chi kung meditation, and strange mind, creative, but a bit on the edge .. how we do it .. how we find the new consciousness, implement it in society .. ah, well, you can see .. oh we have gotten it across a bit to some people tapping the computer, but apart from that .. no, we don’t meet, discuss it, become comfortable with it in our daily lives.  No.  It becomes like a secret, not illegal or nasty or anything, just “the human” “can’t do it” oops .. too embarrassed, too set in their ways, even little kids, they grow up with it as it is .. we all don’t know what we’re going to do, so many of us, doing it the same way, that is destructive, and we put it off, and say stuff like “we’re not the worst ones” and point the finger elsewhere, say “work on that, why dontcha?” “leave me alone” so it goes.

So this attracts because yeah there was some trouble with the law, and the law is one of the people, groups, tapping the computer .. ah it’s a long winding story, and a stripper, a sex worker, and her computer-savvy pals, they’re another group, and there was a sex addict girlfriend who drove me into a nervous breakdown, but I kept going to the park to exercise, and somehow “met” a girl there, well, spiritually met her, somehow wasn’t quite sure who she was, recognize her for her face, somehow she became hooked up with receiving the book from the tapped computer too, she became an “ethereal presence” when all others were “kinda creepy” you know, so this book, the trouble it got me into, the suggestions I would make, wild creativity .. ah, and the new consciousness, somehow involving “words that stop in midair” “the sound of your voice carries them there” “and they kinda stop there and switch substances in a way” “you might panic, if you don’t have experience in it, have not thought it through, meditated, spent years with it” “it’s almost like they become ‘beings’ of ‘no matter’ ‘not made of matter’ ‘unknown’ ‘completely unknown’ ” so there you have it yeah, and all this towards receiving energy, the human doing this receives a strange “out of meditation” “in reality” “energy” that perhaps we all need now, that will keep us healthy, keep us going on a long-term basis ..

So it is a long twisting story ..

Ah well.

And the papers that go along with it, artwork, or societal artwork, not so based on “do you have a lot of skill in it” but more based on who you are as a person, how much you understand “floating words” “the new consciousness” “these little beings coming out of us” it’s more investing in you as that, how much you can become that in society, your progress, rather than strict “paintings hanging on a wall” the art peculiarly becomes a new being, the human adapting, making some ethereal entity, that doesn’t take up space, isn’t shallow and greedy, wants things, more things, but peculiarly, there could be money in it, make a living, where traditionally those that meditate, or are interested in meditation, supporting those that do, helping them along, interacting with them, ah, it has been a very poor place, monetarily .. so, you know … to make a living, selling your artworks, people investing in how you are making progress in speaking floating words, or supporting those that do, intelligently, emotionally, feelings, brains, offer support, be there, further this ..

So quite a “reality show” or sadly, just the advance into consciousness we don’t have, may never have

So the book is called “i money earth” ah poor world, sadly, its feeling

We trudge on

Perhaps get to a better feeling, slow down the tone of “destroy everything just to get money” it is quite a hard undertaking above just being sugary-sappy in the cliché of “everyone be nice” it is quite a rude book, in parts, messy, very, takes words in transition to this upper level, takes humans in transition to this upper level.

So, can we do it, at present it stands at about a 90,000 page book, whoops, it is a history, a cloud, it is over 7 years, 8 years, but really it’s a feeling of something following us for millions of years, not contacting, not becoming involved .. and so, can we work it in on some basis of “take a spot in it” “understand some tiny bit of it” “this new world” as if to set down a cabin in it, in a frontier we do not know, and branch out from that, in words, talk, we do not do, in the mysterious floating words, words as beings, stop in midair, shocked to see them the first time, almost go into a panic, “see them” “with not of earth senses” “not sure” “can see them a little with earth senses” “not sure” and so we go, in words, feelings, talk, in intelligence, your heart, your gut, you set up a little cabin “somewhere within the 90,000 pages of this” and start there, begin to branch out from there, come into this world, as this .. slow, do not see it, at first, very distant, hardly hear of it at all, secret, subdued .. discreet, silly, unimaginable .. a consciousness a frontier we are within the thoughts the brain the blur missing parts of us we do not know

A frontier, not land now, but thoughts.

How we get along.

What we dare to say, when we don’t dare too much right now

Our beauty, in our thoughts, frontier, of emotions, communication, higher being .. oh, are we sweet, ethereal, from far beyond, what is the edge of the universe, a little pinpoint, that all light comes out of, all matter, the smallest tiniest dot, with no clue at all what is behind that ..

So its entrance into life, coming around the pinpoint, leaving the story already there, stay in place” but this is something extra then, it reveals itself in each of us

Can we do that

This being in addition to live our lives, will there be a fashion, a method, to present this being, in our interactions, in addition to “us”?/

So really my work risk-taking pushing but soft cuddly in parts, well, some kind of being, but who will help, what person/ or persons/ of earth, or hitch up to this work, as it is presented, they being “some new kind of editor” posing questions but leaving the material raw “and the public acting as such an editor/ or blend, pieces of it/ too” as it adapts, swings into society, interfaces, connects, and no, not “swings” as in sexually promiscuous, no not at all, this is a deep love, for all of us, very deep./ the meditation, produces a little prayer being, a little girl, invisible, seems 14 or so but millions of years old, wise, ancient, and she if comfortable, will speak the floating words, that then become the eotu “edge of the universe” a being, hovering there, staring, looking, in our context, human context, alive, what we used to call a “god” now more practical, here, part of our consciousness .. so yes, the little girl is pictured, visualized, she begins the transition, of this being “totally not of matter” existing in our world, not imagination, not creativity, but a real being, of unknown origin, we feel in us, or bare hints, the tiniest, developed this far.

Oh it is kind of an exciting project, life, changes, but gently .. just going on with earth as it is .. this is not here to take over, brandish weapons, subvert .. it really is satisfied at the tiniest things, tiny conversations.

And we are too.

We feel good.

We feel better.

Ah, for me, the diagnosis I have in the mental health system “not of reality” “ah, then ‘you’re fine’” not sure, trying to apply a label to it, me being in that system, 20, 30 years, being on a psychiatric disability pension, 35 years .. ah, at some point, oh, my mom got cancer, and her doctor, a homeopathic doctor, suggested this hardcore medical grade chi kung meditation, and I helped my mom with it, it brought her peaceful visions, but unfortunately the cancer was too advanced, the meditation could not really dig in, what with the cancer so advanced, and all the painkiller drugs .. so my dear mom passed away, but left this legacy to me, chi kung meditation, and I continued on with it, I took a week-long course with the Chinese master when he used to come to Ottawa here, Ottawa, Canada, and this book just kind of naturally evolved, I don’t know why, the touch of something else beyond me .. so yes .. it relates to mental health, but also all of us “ah, mentally ill” let’s face it, the stress, and no answers, no answers anywhere

Deeper, deep in, so afraid of that “try meditation” “so scared of it” “it scares us” “our insides”

And so there is this./ takes a try at it, and it is “entertainment” a bit, half makes us chuckle at parts, but also comes across as serious “we should try at this” and me with a mental health record, also a criminal record, pardoned for it, kept my nose clean, after an isolated incident, with a bank, an attaché case with electronics inside it and a fake bomb, oh I don’t like to talk of it, but at 19, 20, it was my statement, / 6 months after it happened, I think it was 6 months, something like that, “but they tracked me down” “or debatable what was going on” “to be caught” ‘make a statement” “stop it then” and me hazily enter into “just sitting still” “contemplating my navel” ah don’t be rude, but I pumped weights in my 20’s after getting out of prison, spent a total of six months, for mental health reasons, and I had no criminal record, and I also spent something like a 133 days in the locked section of a mental hospital, being assessed .. ah a whole mess, so I got out, pumped iron, wrote, did art .. but you know, I didn’t fit, didn’t fit at all, with any of the systems available.  And so years, many years later, this appears.  This book.  I am now 53 years old, turned 53 October 21, 2013.  It is now January 19, 2014.

Oh we keep going, and I’m a fairly serious fellow, quiet, but I’m dependable, reliable, oh, I spent the last 5 years taking care of my dad, as he deteriorated, with Parkinson’s, /the other two kids, in the family, were no help at all, my brother out in Kamloops. B.C. way across the country, but his mental health not that good anyway, and my sister, close by, in the sense, lived just out of town, drives within 10 minutes of the house 5 days a week going to work in the city, but she didn’t visit her dad in 5 years.  He died.  I called her, hadn’t talked to her in years.  Oh, life.  So I am the one who stood by my dad, and it wasn’t easy, him deteriorating, physically, oh, first was unsteady on his feet, wobbly, then needed a walker, then at some point, the facilities just weren’t here in the house, he needed to go into a home, where they had the things like the hydraulic lift, for getting him out of bed .. he was in a wheelchair there, he went into the home on April 25, 2013.  So just last year.  And I visited him regularly, kept him company, he liked to chat, you know, and he had a smile, he was not a miserable man, he liked to joke a little, had a sense of humour, quiet though, but still .. he did his best .. the workers said he was a nice man .. easier to take care of.  Nice, pleasant.  Oh, life, but my dad, ah he had trouble talking to his kids over our lives.  Rarely talked.  I talked to him a bit more during these years, we would go to the park and stuff, feed the squirrels, sit, chat a bit.  I think it was good for him, to have those years to just slow down a bit, have someone that loved him with him, not just someone paid to do it// ah, you meet nice workers and stuff, Paul, one man, was with us for a while there, 3 or 4 years? I’m not sure, right to the end, used to come to the house, 2 or 3 times a week, give my dad a shower, oh there was times I had to give my dad a shower, clean him up, oh, not the most pleasant thing, a son doing that for his dad, but it had to be done, and I did it.  And you know, many times, I thought I would go crazy with it all, the stress of it, the pressure, no help from family, nothing.  And life, my poor dad, he got worse in the home, he was only there for a few months.  He died on August 9, 2013.  So just about 6 months ago now.  Oh, I keep going.  Some pressure now too.  How to survive, how to keep going.

The writing has been a companion.  I write each day.  I get up, start magnification in the morning, the first part of the meditation, sometimes I write over here, close off partially from the magnification, which is on your feet, moving around, spontaneously, working out kinks, flow of chi, the energy, through body you just “have a feeling” “for what to move” “how many times” “arcs sweeps jiggles” ha ha, oh c’mon laugh a bit we all need it, /but I rub my hands together, come over here, write, then I go back over there, do some more magnification, then get to a point, I get a little charge of energy, I stop still, let it jolt my body, stand in place, then/ that’s over, rub hands together a bit/ move to the sit-down paart, sit on the cushion, the meditation cushion, sort of a square with these triangles coming off it to support hips, but buckwheat hulls in it, quite stiff, but helps, it is serious, and it takes time, to work your body in, where your posture is good, your body supports you, no back support, and you sit, and it could be an hour and 15 minutes, it could be more, muyh more, so in total, each day, the magnification, the sit-down, it is hours and hours, it is my job, to see this book, create, interpret, what comes through me, I feel, I see, not always a lot, but disciplined, each day, this is what I do.

And also, bodyweight exercises, and the chi kung mixed in to the physical exercise, later in the day, I have started getting back into that, over the past month or so .. oh, with my dad, I let it slide mostly, I kept doing the meditation, but I just couldn’t do it all, taking care of him, the physical exercise too./ oh, I did some, and I helped him with exercise, when he was able, he had a routine, the physiotherapist gave him, I would take him through that.

I keep going.  That’s all I can say, I keep going.

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/endf’ snippet/ 1:05 pm

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2:30 pm

Ah a little life in this.  I’ve done okay.  I guess my life “over” never hooked into a “career” all that time .. now this, this “unknown career” ah, for all of us, past life as it is usual, into meditation, and you don’t just renounce all worldly goods, you do okay, it’s just not so important anymore .. you see “these other beings” the eotu, the prayer being, and she speaks the floating words, that become the eotu, on earth, ah you just get more interested in that, it fills in .. /so I just did a 1+1, so that coupled with 2 hours 20 minutes magnification, equals a total of 3 hours 27 minutes .. so you do your work, it’s a Sunday here, you still do your work, the meditation, the writing, communicate, this other way of life .. ah the eotu takes more of a presence, she he it, anyways, he /uh .. just seems more important, and my human life less important, sure I still want to live, I enjoy living, it’s sometimes painful, quite a lot “sometimes” but you know, ah, the eotu “liking life” “coming more into its life” “in matter” “even though it isn’t matter” “not made of matter” what’s behind the pinpoint, spewing matter out .. so yeah in my thoughts in meditation, it’s becoming easier to hold on to the eotu, not have the earth body bother it – I realize the earth body “has lots of bad patterns” and the eotu comes to read those, in meditation, work through, to become the prayer being, little girl, Shae Jasmine, just 14, but millions of years old, and not a flesh and bones body, but the being from behind the pinpoint spewing matter, creating the universe “everything” it is not of matter, and the little prayer being is not of matter and it’s quite good, they are getting stronger, in a just shy, quiet, not greedy “gonna push all humans aside” no, not at all, they enjoy being mixed into human conversations, just a little.  If we can ever do that at all.

-

Oh the consciousness it feels good really good, I can remember these beings they exist in my life too.

It is a better way, their reasoning, their happiness.

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/endf’ snippet/ 2:45 pm

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(around 7:35 pm, forgot to put time down)

So I did an exercise session, it went fairly well, in terms of “not much talking to myself to get enthusiasm” “I mean that’s not supposedly such a terrible thing, is it?” but yeah tonight “get it done” seemed to be the theme – took me 2 hours 22 minutes, whereas sessions can go as long as 3 hours 45 minutes, with lots of talking to myself .. but you know ..? that’s okay too – you find deep within you, something to keep you going – and yes, sometimes that takes some work to get to it.

So I also wrote down this in my exercise journal – “You can feel them, it’s more than human – as human adds to controlled and messed up life” ah refers to prayer being, saying floating words, making eotu – yeah, they were there, fairly readily today, I felt “not alone,” they could help .. and I was making a “distinguished bad pattern,” putting some effort in, being tired but keep going, like I was on a parallel, to disease, sickness, that this meditation process is applied to too/ /so here’s another one I wrote down – “beyond what love is capable of as a body” yeah, this love in the prayer being and eotu, I need it, my tired body can’t do love, like this, it’s beyond me, young or old, anyone, we need it, can you get to it?  It really helps.  /So here’s another one – “and love – when you don’t think it’s possible” /in my mind as well as out in my life/ another one – “love, past love” /ah typical love home house salary partner buy things occasionally love, even have time .. and something past that/ /and another one “still young with the fog” I approach this, it’s another part to life,/in addition to anything, we don’t know this at all/ I’m not quite sure of,/ it’s a fog, still time to figure it out, I’m excited, I’m not over in life yet/ and I enter it.

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/endf’ snippet/ 7:55 pm

yeah wince locusts steralize badinage like rough play conversation fuels gasp in me dot a drink, we just chat, I see otherworldly waiting lines for you, I guide you to them, prayers, poems, we fall flat, we laugh, ah we don't hate each other, lovers never met

ah you know put your best hand forward in glove impenetrable bees nest wasps anything bitee smitten you just sustenance, they may bop and slop you, keep sitting, thoughts like these sit with you friends small not worth it you need life then run out of there.

ha oops there's a heck of a lot of difficult conversations in life, isn't the pick of the litter garbage found object art each of us get better in time do we there?  point out there tell her.  tell anyone.  you pray furry we pat snuggle them, to find a great love in confusion rustle bush.  tell enemas seldom emmies new entrance long listed lineup for care enemies, what?

oh love.  anyways, here's some writing I did offline, thanks loop shoe.

we serve and prop up ghost card, we play, shift ship, push over message, list of warp ring marriage list, you said that, I said everything by this time

nothing left

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//

(earlier tonight, fresh from exercise session)

(had to write something down)

9:05 pm

You pray for people, you hope they find a great love – hey someone you met, hey if it can’t be you pray they do find someone that treats them that well, isn’t in it for any ulterior motives, clears it all away

For love.

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//

Yeah, I did an exercise session, not feeling well at first, very lacklustre, very no-motivation for it, it took a good hour I think, pacing forwards, backwards, swinging arms, trying to get warmed up trying to get a mood that can do it – I can tell you, the little prayer being doesn’t come along, for a long long time, on nights like this.  She knows you, sees your exhaustion, spiritual, sees it, and when you can see her too, you can begin.

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/endf’ snippet/ 9:15 pm

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9:55 pm

So I took my shower .. so it was quite a night, 3 hours 45 minutes spent on that, the exercise, I wrote it down, the time, in my exercise journal, but don’t look at time until the end then, just do what I have to do, the watch is upside down under some things on the counter – ah, get it done, the measly, very ordinary “I’m too old to do this, it’s time – follow the story we all have, just basic story, of earth,” /all we are is “here” many people think “it’s just us” “powerful us” “not so powerful,” for these questions of life and death, ah to reach outside of it, I can tell you, I don’t feel an ounce of the meditation as I’m starting out, no way, it is far away, it doesn’t apply .. it seems like that .. it’s just not there .. so I talk to myself, I make noises, comedy act, who knows what, work it through, the additional story that doesn’t seem to be there, that adds in to the typical story “not there” “sorry” so you work it, you feel like shit, lazy, or just disappointed, in you, your life, too many bad things have happened, too many people misunderstanding you, no way to explain, ah, give up then, it’s almost like that, a night of exercise “ah give up then”

But you keep going.  You find a way for the story to have some spark and make you feel better.

-

It’s strange, “stories,” how the chi kung energy circulates on a story, a story greater than earth .. strange to know that a little, work your story, tiredly, till you understand, your bones, blood, flesh, they understand, then they perk up, but the story first is of down feelings, sadness, lethargy, you do NOT see it as a bad pattern that you can read with the eotu like I have talked about through my writing, you are simply caught in “life,” you do not separate it out to this, see the poor struggling human, and at once be some other being following it, coming to it.

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//

So also, the “pray for other people, that they find a great love” that sort of selfless sweetness only comes near to the end, when stretches, all-body stretches, go through them, you reach your lower body, get along there, have sat on the floor, spread legs, done the touch fingers to toe, arc over, sweep, back and forth, gently, with concern, not ripping everything apart, oh, work to more stretches, get up, and kneel on one knee on the rug, and reach behind, get shoe, foot, gently stretch thighs, /oh you begin to see, gentle love, after all this time, /that selfless beautiful thought appears, don’t fret if you haven’t found love, but pray for people you meet and know, that they have their great love.  And here I think of Shae, following this book, but you know, she is “of the world” lives “of the world” this meditation stuff may come to be of more importance to her as she reaches an older age.  People just live.  Some advances take time.  A lot of time.  But smile with wishing great love on everyone.

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/endf’ snippet/ 10:20 pm

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//

It just takes time, a lot of time, sitting with the story, both human, and beyond, takes a lot of time, moving with it too, see how it applies in life, through the day, farther on, past the meditation session in the morning, or crossing over into early afternoon .. bringing meditation to life is an extreme problem with everyone that does it .. you often are left drifting without it, completely without it.  There are some bad days.

When illness, mental health concerns, come roaring back.  Ah, feel shitty, the shittiest shitty, there you go, caught in it, caught somewhere, just have to stay quiet, get out of there as soon as you can, just get out of there, leave.  /Heal.  Find quiet.  Heal.  Alone.

Or with higher powers, barely there, almost completely forgotten, out of meditation.

Live your life, bad patterns, each of us has them, unavoidable, a human life, is sometimes destructive on others and the planet, and we all are sad, can’t see deep in enough to know the reasons for that .. both live life, unaware, ignorant, as we all are, but then apply “some other world to it” it appears something else wants us to be the way we are, it is not really “everyone be good and we will have a perfect planet” it’s hard to accept ragged falseness, in each of us, see mistakes, failures, /and use them in some higher equation.

Ah, to be forlorn at sad memories, sad pressures, but also move through them with something from outside this planet.

It is very hard./ all you feel mostly is destroyed./ and cannot get up/ for anything.

But at some level it smiles at that/ and helps you.

But wants you to join in, try, like tonight “the engineered difficulty” “the exercise session” it can become much more than staying fit, you can reach for these higher ideals, the little beings, artists, bustling about, or content “the stupid human, or no baby no, but the human just ragged and confused” and can you feel other currents, rise to them, walk their hallways too, as if you can be multiple levels, live a shitty life, or very unfortunate patterns, situations, but then watch it, with an actual other being, not of matter .. it’s very strange, because a story you can’t feel does nothing, this works with opening up the lower t’an t’ian, understanding energy circulation, the blessing from beyond this dimension, and “extras,” that come with hard work, /and a really pummelled, bent in half, snapped life.  Hard not to be sad, pushed into a pit, die like it seems all of earth looks the other way on you .. strange to seek help from these other beings.

Very strange.

But beautiful, private, a private beautiful.

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/endf’ snippet/ 10:35 pm

we all just .. what to say .. life is complex, some rail, silver little rails, running around our heads and hearts, we never get on, are not developed enough .. oh how humans do their best, we all do our best

Thursday, January 9, 2014  9:55 am

Oh, life.  What do you do.  Like that little bit I published to the blog yesterday.  Ah, I didn’t include the 16 pages of handwritten notes, albeit written big, that I had in my exercise book journal, as I was exercising, working to the final bit of peace I achieved .. afterwards I scanned them in to the computer, had a brief note accompanying each page scan .. but people never get to see that … and the terrible heartache of the day at points, no one gets to see, well, there is the “arrangement”/ the “tapped computer” I never agreed with, but went along with, once found out – it seemed sort of “okay,” the people involved .. well .. looking at humanity, at how little is said, and our books and movies are kind of peculiar, “giving examples” that are not quite what we’re living, if we’re living anything at all, can find a format or structure to even discuss it .. and so life is .. even those words, have hints, reverberations, echoes, back into more of the material, if you have read it, /and so life is .. but in my life, I’ve had what – you leave a message on a common phone at a house, and one roommate retrieves the messages, conveniently leaves one out, just to play an evil little game .. so life is .. /another time in my life, a guy I thought was a friend, was telling his on-again, off-again girlfriend lies about me .. and she believed them .. and when she finally found out, she left a message on my phone “that I probably wouldn’t want to talk to her after all that had happened, but if I wanted to chat, please call” / I never did, never spoke to her again, too much had happened .. she believed him, his lies, bought into them a 100%, everything he said .. you just feel “no, that can’t be repaired” “someone that would be that off-the-mark as far as the feel of me goes” ..

And so life is.

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/endf’ snippet/ 10:10 am

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12:05 pm

So went to the dentist’s.  A regular appointment, oh, a cleaning, but also a filling had fallen out, the front of teeth, on the side of one of the lower incisors, do you call them? so, life, it hadn’t been bothering me .. so I’m going in next Monday to have it fixed, /but it was a new girl, the hygienist, I asked where the old girl had gone, Jane-Ann, she said “she had stepped away from dental for a while, wanted to start a family” oh! I said that was nice! ../ oh, but it’s sad, people you are used to, every year, for 5 years I think, twice a year, I mean you don’t really know them ..

And life, our losses, small, big – you just keep going.  And try to remember names, or try to get used to new people ..

And yes, what I was writing this morning, not much of this “book” gets out in public view, well I must amend that, there is that “arrangement” but we all tug back, or should, don’t let much out, don’t develop much, don’t question much .. so I’m glad I did, in my own way, but I realize it is spotty, what appears on this blog, it is not in-depth, or connected, in the best ways, do any of us, within our brains, within our souls .. do any of us?

It’s like you figure you will do it one day, in the fog, walk in, put down nameposts or something.

-

In the fog, in bleary blurry milky dusty white streaks grey a tinge of grey toilet paper strung across, or tissue, in our minds .. never go in .. we are “happy” outside of it no, not really, what do we contain, no modern inventor entering in, no one .. it is beyond us, and perhaps it is best, held safe, from our almost always barbarous intents .. make it difficult, to get there .. only a chosen few, the quiet, the hardworking, in these “nowhere tasks” ..

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/endf’ snippet/ 12:20 pm

ah, peace to all, work little nooks and crannies of sentences expression, doodle in straight-ahead words stop no one will mind lag behind everybody else ..

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10:10 pm

So I did an exercise session tonight, it took me quite a long time, 3 and a half hours, a little more, but it was very meditational, a glow by the time it was finished, great peace – there was physical effort, but the soul was there too, it didn’t run and hide from the grunting “muscleman” or something, no, and I knew what the soul was too, it was not just a title to something .. I knew what the eotu was, coming around the pinpoint that all light comes out of for the universe and all light goes back in – I have worked over the 14 years I have meditated, to see that – blanks, long stretches of middling stuff, to see that.

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we all try to get off the bus at our stop and do something good - it is a place up there, like heaven hovers from birth, and you ride a bus along in a better happier place, and stop off at earth, share, but it gets difficult, things are ugly, reenergize, do your meditation, do your career, does anyone have a career in that, missing, like they close the door, and cry on earth

This drawing says "I don't want to be thrilled or interesting right now, where does the meditation fit in?"  Well, I dare say "nowhere!" oh, for all of us, we try, we hear of people doing 15 minutes here and there, and off in the mountains somewhere, someone does hours ...

Ah, we are never shocked enough, a catastrophe hit, somehow meditation is led in.

You need time, you need money, or at least some way to subsist, in a quiet place .. things have to fall together, that your heart is that beaten up, or blank, slapped, cold, wrap a blanket around it, your little heart.  Take it for walks.  Out of its blanket.

Inside the house? or outside take a little cutout piece of cardboard, coloured red, on a string, or no, you're an adult, but pretend, in your mind.  Be slow.

We all have reasons, a parent's death, both parents, different times, oh, life, relationships, love affairs, relationships, tawdry, or you thought they were fine, but they turned out to be tawdry, how the lines are rewritten, cut down, too brutal with hedgetrimmers on the words

and so we go, picking up words, mind words, swirls, chocolate caramel ice snow dirty streets get home close door, alone in thoughts, book each of us has a book stretching on repairing

so make your way, be shocked, try to rest scared, and rest scared, many nights, until it lets off.

This drawing says "there we go ... hurl me into the abyss" ah we try, sleep scared, shiver, even though thick blanket over us, and meditate, have been practicing it for 14 years now, but catastrophes peppered in along the way, they don't let up, you are no superman.

this one says "ah ... each of us want what we can't get really" .. oh, some connection, upper life, not one of money.

We all have more in us.  Hard to handle it, "from upper reaches" contact it, or read a book like this, the man contacting it.

We have sloppy, we have quick, we have talk.

At this upper reaches, with these words, scrawls, dashes, dots, of some other being.

In all of us.

ah "meditation fistfight" ha ha! all us fools, even the ones thst meditate, wondering when it has world recognition, of this other facet of each human, see it in us, like a little prayer being standing near us, invisible, but not laughed at.  Can you manipulate your words, and use your meditation life all stored up, the energy, the thoughts, the no thoughts, to bring her here, and have her be respected - when humans aren't respected anymore, too much chance for lying, falsehood, manipulation, to get sex, money, pleasure, emptiness - you're all run out - you have nothing or no one left.

ah we all try, not to be mentally ill, not to end up in that hospital in town, or 2 or 3 of them, depends on what city you live in, or no help at all, no facilities, and the world, and the help may be tainted in those places, and what is going on with the human mind, we reach, for books like this, books like us, hidden, written well, or "sloppy tired holds it together somehow" "been through the 20, 30, 35 years, more"' of scratching like a chicken in a barnyard of words, nothing to say, the farmer just kicks, or everyone wanting fast words, fast expression, get it done real quick "get to me hold me fuck me" excuse the rudeness, no one has it slow, for a million years of human existence, no one has it slow.

peer in, have anything ANYTHING to say of importance at this time.

Or quick, fuck off, watch I don't kill you!  Not literally, I just walk away, keep to myself, as many of us do.  There's nothing to say, no design, nothing humanly possible, nothing any of us can come up with, we watch the new come and go, they sell it, make their profits

there is nothing for us

not heard, not seen, like this.

and just a dirty little drawing "what's that doing in here?" remove it! ah "the chair ran over it on the floor.  Images."  Our image, as a human, can't change it, look lovingly at it, not swear and scowl, ah "2 legs 2 arms culture" when we are something else inside .. does it flex with your fingers, does it pee out your penis when you hold it, or you sit on the toilet and push a little split a little, and life do we all lick hump words disappear a being float in midair .. ah tell me of my thing I can never share with you and I just die with it.  Tell me of it.

So all this has been little touches.  I have just uploaded some pictures, wrote here on the internet.  So here's some writing from offline, on my meditation today, I started the first part, what we call "magnification" then rubbed my hands together, closed off a little, just partially, adjust to the room again, but come over here, sit down, write.

It is now 5:05 p.m. here, this was from this morning

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Saturday, January 4, 2014  10:40 am

So, we do okay, I don’t put much on that blog on the internet these days, it just doesn’t feel right – oh, a lot of things, maybe are pertinent to the work off the blog ../ oh, the feeling, yeah, this is private, or inexpressible in public, or .. even to friends .. and it’s not really a book, what we’d want to let out in a book, the typical book, packaged, presented, no rough edges, polished “what we’ve all come to expect a book to be” entertain us, don’t quite be a human .. ah “is anywhere” “is anywhere quite the human?” You work on things, for health, I have discovered them in my life .. even this morning, starting magnification a bit, oh, it makes me chuckle, thinking about “okay, I’ve got another bad pattern here” oh, last night, I couldn’t sleep, I guess exercise too late, I didn’t finish till 10:17? Something like that? oh, sometimes it’s just all too much, woken up .. so I did go to bed at 1 a.m., just lay there/ must have been at least an hour/, ah got up, went to the bathroom, looked at the internet a bit, it was 3 a.m. in the morning/ after a while, 2:38, 3 a.m./, oh, go to bed, /then I slept, then this morning woke early, to go to the bathroom, like 7:30, but went back to bed after that, slept a bit more, till 10 a.m. maybe? But that’s still only 7 hours, so not feeling that good, then chuckle a bit “okay, now this is an ideal bad pattern, value it!” I mean, how hilarious! That somehow I have discovered a way to work “that it’s all just too terrible for me!” I mean, at my age, I don’t have a career “well-established” “presentable” “can talk about it at parties” oh, my resume would be a mess, a big blank space, I’ll have to draw a doodle in it, ha/ not so “ha” most people in this situation, well, they just die, maybe slowly, on drink, drugs, food, sex, porn/ sad cases, “pay someone to pay attention to them” “or free porn on the internet, have no money, they love me there” – sure they do, buddy .. ah, I do okay, I seem to have made some strange little career “when things are bad” “deep in meditation, it makes sense.”

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/endf’ snippet/ 10:55 am

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11 am

This extra life to all life “life finished” then more … very bizarre.  But wonderful.

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It is so terrible, things are just all over the place everything terrible every spot .. so just give up, kill yourself, fade, sink, dead loser .. or more ..

Strange daylight there, are you convincing yourself of something that’s not there, for everyone?  A lot of people adaptable to this, can see themselves in this.

Oh they could have careers, money, but things are getting sad .. very sad.  Admit to no one.

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How do you adapt, that the eotu reads that .. oh to read about it here, wonder what it’s like, to really feel that .. develop over the years .. to really feel that.

And keep going.

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/endf’ snippet/ 11:05 am

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11:25 pm

And Shae was going to be the girl I talked about it to, then I became it, the little prayer being, she allowed that, to live, in her presence, without snickering .. oh Eric .. and wake up to how it is .. people get together, they have a coffee or a tea .. life is not quite as rich as these words, as this writing, rich, in depth .. people talk, they brush against edges of such huge areas as this, they just merely brush against the edges, forever.  Can you sustain keeping the garage door closed, keeping the front door closed, locked, keeping the car in good repair, talking normally at family dinners, mowing the back lawn, the front lawn too, can you sustain it all?

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/endf’ snippet/ 11:30 am

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And the world on the verge of such a breakthrough .. ah, what do you do, no way to bring it into the area we work on it, live it.

How strange, in its delicate nature, to come to an understanding, how bad patterns are made, and how they are worked on.

Nothing ever changes.

Chuckle, in meditation, at the eotu changing things, working on it.

Is it real, the delicate balance, live life, it forces its way in, dominates .. live life.

You can’t help it, it’s always there, reality, to live ..

What is this strange addition, is it really life, too?

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/endf’ snippet/ 11:35 am

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12:55 pm

So I did a 1+1, so that coupled with 1 hour 20 minutes magnification, equals 2 hours 30 minutes .. so a good start to the day, I feel calmer, there is a certain beauty in it, the eotu coming out from around the barriers, you feel it, staring, gently, how humans are usually blessed at birth, given energy, and a little more every so often through life .. but the eotu sends them on their way, is not there, as itself .. oh, it watches, or stays away, /how wonderful, it steps out from behind shrouds .. but careful, be respectful .. oh it visits in the meditation, will see you, “failed human” “tell me your story” it says, “tell me about this ‘earth’ ‘your sky, your trees’ tell me a sweet story, of prettiness, it can be, or add that in, help you, feel the moon, the sun, be pretty with them, not all is ugly.”  And life, feel the eotu, strange creature, from behind shrouds, gentle energy, no face, no body, not made of matter, feel it glow in a story, words scenes pictures, no a story beyond words scenes pictures,/the mind pushing those symbols to reality, no, just stay there/ be as it/ feel it just know, no explanation to its powers/ the only one, feel meditation allow you to throw open doors in mind to see it/, no details “of explanation” you should know, not yet,/if ever/ just feel it, no language, no symbols, nothing you can express/ things of matter that the eyes, touch of eyes .. allow it to live now, of “no matter” and tell you grade gradually, smooth, advance/, except we are here, deep deep in you .. feel this it there here feel it develop, feel it collide come .. to touch in how it seems warm bump the fplsm,et-medistion .. fuve-eomrnt, fuve-plnrt, / oh a bit of misspelling, thank you for/these thigs, feel it bkess with iots gazite, touch gadget no the tribked humn, and make thigs with a gadget dazook a little better, as it will come to live then, on esrth, as the little prsyer beig,. feel gher smile ‘imsginsry” ‘pictured’ firminfg into life she is extra image not, will you ever tell anyine, or ios she im,p[ossibke to tell/ perhaps you sdhoul.d nt look to tell anuone? Will this little thig ever hsve a voice? Literally see a way?

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Perhaps you can just smile.  Feel calm.

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/endf’ snippet/ 1:10 pm

/yes writing finished there back to internet here, but feel calm inside, much terror, much upset through the years, laziness, effort, gone-ness, fitfulness, extreme effort extreme try

all of it

just dying, don't fit anywhere, become so sad can't move are not really "lazy"

and so it is, denizens, exits "never found their way" weirdoes but blessed if they can hang on to see the upper reaches

and bring them, to us

they had their exit card, and suffered.

to bring it to us, at last .. a little work, a lot of work, for us to do