Thursday, January 9, 2014 9:55 am
Oh, life. What do you do. Like that little bit I published to the blog yesterday. Ah, I didn’t include the 16 pages of handwritten notes, albeit written big, that I had in my exercise book journal, as I was exercising, working to the final bit of peace I achieved .. afterwards I scanned them in to the computer, had a brief note accompanying each page scan .. but people never get to see that … and the terrible heartache of the day at points, no one gets to see, well, there is the “arrangement”/ the “tapped computer” I never agreed with, but went along with, once found out – it seemed sort of “okay,” the people involved .. well .. looking at humanity, at how little is said, and our books and movies are kind of peculiar, “giving examples” that are not quite what we’re living, if we’re living anything at all, can find a format or structure to even discuss it .. and so life is .. even those words, have hints, reverberations, echoes, back into more of the material, if you have read it, /and so life is .. but in my life, I’ve had what – you leave a message on a common phone at a house, and one roommate retrieves the messages, conveniently leaves one out, just to play an evil little game .. so life is .. /another time in my life, a guy I thought was a friend, was telling his on-again, off-again girlfriend lies about me .. and she believed them .. and when she finally found out, she left a message on my phone “that I probably wouldn’t want to talk to her after all that had happened, but if I wanted to chat, please call” / I never did, never spoke to her again, too much had happened .. she believed him, his lies, bought into them a 100%, everything he said .. you just feel “no, that can’t be repaired” “someone that would be that off-the-mark as far as the feel of me goes” ..
And so life is.
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/endf’ snippet/ 10:10 am
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So went to the dentist’s. A regular appointment, oh, a cleaning, but also a filling had fallen out, the front of teeth, on the side of one of the lower incisors, do you call them? so, life, it hadn’t been bothering me .. so I’m going in next Monday to have it fixed, /but it was a new girl, the hygienist, I asked where the old girl had gone, Jane-Ann, she said “she had stepped away from dental for a while, wanted to start a family” oh! I said that was nice! ../ oh, but it’s sad, people you are used to, every year, for 5 years I think, twice a year, I mean you don’t really know them ..
And life, our losses, small, big – you just keep going. And try to remember names, or try to get used to new people ..
And yes, what I was writing this morning, not much of this “book” gets out in public view, well I must amend that, there is that “arrangement” but we all tug back, or should, don’t let much out, don’t develop much, don’t question much .. so I’m glad I did, in my own way, but I realize it is spotty, what appears on this blog, it is not in-depth, or connected, in the best ways, do any of us, within our brains, within our souls .. do any of us?
It’s like you figure you will do it one day, in the fog, walk in, put down nameposts or something.
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In the fog, in bleary blurry milky dusty white streaks grey a tinge of grey toilet paper strung across, or tissue, in our minds .. never go in .. we are “happy” outside of it no, not really, what do we contain, no modern inventor entering in, no one .. it is beyond us, and perhaps it is best, held safe, from our almost always barbarous intents .. make it difficult, to get there .. only a chosen few, the quiet, the hardworking, in these “nowhere tasks” ..
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/endf’ snippet/ 12:20 pm
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