This drawing says "I don't want to be thrilled or interesting right now, where does the meditation fit in?" Well, I dare say "nowhere!" oh, for all of us, we try, we hear of people doing 15 minutes here and there, and off in the mountains somewhere, someone does hours ...
Ah, we are never shocked enough, a catastrophe hit, somehow meditation is led in.
You need time, you need money, or at least some way to subsist, in a quiet place .. things have to fall together, that your heart is that beaten up, or blank, slapped, cold, wrap a blanket around it, your little heart. Take it for walks. Out of its blanket.
Inside the house? or outside take a little cutout piece of cardboard, coloured red, on a string, or no, you're an adult, but pretend, in your mind. Be slow.
We all have reasons, a parent's death, both parents, different times, oh, life, relationships, love affairs, relationships, tawdry, or you thought they were fine, but they turned out to be tawdry, how the lines are rewritten, cut down, too brutal with hedgetrimmers on the words
and so we go, picking up words, mind words, swirls, chocolate caramel ice snow dirty streets get home close door, alone in thoughts, book each of us has a book stretching on repairing
so make your way, be shocked, try to rest scared, and rest scared, many nights, until it lets off.
This drawing says "there we go ... hurl me into the abyss" ah we try, sleep scared, shiver, even though thick blanket over us, and meditate, have been practicing it for 14 years now, but catastrophes peppered in along the way, they don't let up, you are no superman.
this one says "ah ... each of us want what we can't get really" .. oh, some connection, upper life, not one of money.
We all have more in us. Hard to handle it, "from upper reaches" contact it, or read a book like this, the man contacting it.
We have sloppy, we have quick, we have talk.
At this upper reaches, with these words, scrawls, dashes, dots, of some other being.
In all of us.
ah "meditation fistfight" ha ha! all us fools, even the ones thst meditate, wondering when it has world recognition, of this other facet of each human, see it in us, like a little prayer being standing near us, invisible, but not laughed at. Can you manipulate your words, and use your meditation life all stored up, the energy, the thoughts, the no thoughts, to bring her here, and have her be respected - when humans aren't respected anymore, too much chance for lying, falsehood, manipulation, to get sex, money, pleasure, emptiness - you're all run out - you have nothing or no one left.
ah we all try, not to be mentally ill, not to end up in that hospital in town, or 2 or 3 of them, depends on what city you live in, or no help at all, no facilities, and the world, and the help may be tainted in those places, and what is going on with the human mind, we reach, for books like this, books like us, hidden, written well, or "sloppy tired holds it together somehow" "been through the 20, 30, 35 years, more"' of scratching like a chicken in a barnyard of words, nothing to say, the farmer just kicks, or everyone wanting fast words, fast expression, get it done real quick "get to me hold me fuck me" excuse the rudeness, no one has it slow, for a million years of human existence, no one has it slow.
peer in, have anything ANYTHING to say of importance at this time.
Or quick, fuck off, watch I don't kill you! Not literally, I just walk away, keep to myself, as many of us do. There's nothing to say, no design, nothing humanly possible, nothing any of us can come up with, we watch the new come and go, they sell it, make their profits
there is nothing for us
not heard, not seen, like this.
and just a dirty little drawing "what's that doing in here?" remove it! ah "the chair ran over it on the floor. Images." Our image, as a human, can't change it, look lovingly at it, not swear and scowl, ah "2 legs 2 arms culture" when we are something else inside .. does it flex with your fingers, does it pee out your penis when you hold it, or you sit on the toilet and push a little split a little, and life do we all lick hump words disappear a being float in midair .. ah tell me of my thing I can never share with you and I just die with it. Tell me of it.
So all this has been little touches. I have just uploaded some pictures, wrote here on the internet. So here's some writing from offline, on my meditation today, I started the first part, what we call "magnification" then rubbed my hands together, closed off a little, just partially, adjust to the room again, but come over here, sit down, write.
It is now 5:05 p.m. here, this was from this morning
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Saturday, January 4, 2014 10:40 am
So, we do okay, I don’t put much on that blog on the internet these days, it just doesn’t feel right – oh, a lot of things, maybe are pertinent to the work off the blog ../ oh, the feeling, yeah, this is private, or inexpressible in public, or .. even to friends .. and it’s not really a book, what we’d want to let out in a book, the typical book, packaged, presented, no rough edges, polished “what we’ve all come to expect a book to be” entertain us, don’t quite be a human .. ah “is anywhere” “is anywhere quite the human?” You work on things, for health, I have discovered them in my life .. even this morning, starting magnification a bit, oh, it makes me chuckle, thinking about “okay, I’ve got another bad pattern here” oh, last night, I couldn’t sleep, I guess exercise too late, I didn’t finish till 10:17? Something like that? oh, sometimes it’s just all too much, woken up .. so I did go to bed at 1 a.m., just lay there/ must have been at least an hour/, ah got up, went to the bathroom, looked at the internet a bit, it was 3 a.m. in the morning/ after a while, 2:38, 3 a.m./, oh, go to bed, /then I slept, then this morning woke early, to go to the bathroom, like 7:30, but went back to bed after that, slept a bit more, till 10 a.m. maybe? But that’s still only 7 hours, so not feeling that good, then chuckle a bit “okay, now this is an ideal bad pattern, value it!” I mean, how hilarious! That somehow I have discovered a way to work “that it’s all just too terrible for me!” I mean, at my age, I don’t have a career “well-established” “presentable” “can talk about it at parties” oh, my resume would be a mess, a big blank space, I’ll have to draw a doodle in it, ha/ not so “ha” most people in this situation, well, they just die, maybe slowly, on drink, drugs, food, sex, porn/ sad cases, “pay someone to pay attention to them” “or free porn on the internet, have no money, they love me there” – sure they do, buddy .. ah, I do okay, I seem to have made some strange little career “when things are bad” “deep in meditation, it makes sense.”
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/endf’ snippet/ 10:55 am
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This extra life to all life “life finished” then more … very bizarre. But wonderful.
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It is so terrible, things are just all over the place everything terrible every spot .. so just give up, kill yourself, fade, sink, dead loser .. or more ..
Strange daylight there, are you convincing yourself of something that’s not there, for everyone? A lot of people adaptable to this, can see themselves in this.
Oh they could have careers, money, but things are getting sad .. very sad. Admit to no one.
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How do you adapt, that the eotu reads that .. oh to read about it here, wonder what it’s like, to really feel that .. develop over the years .. to really feel that.
And keep going.
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/endf’ snippet/ 11:05 am
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And Shae was going to be the girl I talked about it to, then I became it, the little prayer being, she allowed that, to live, in her presence, without snickering .. oh Eric .. and wake up to how it is .. people get together, they have a coffee or a tea .. life is not quite as rich as these words, as this writing, rich, in depth .. people talk, they brush against edges of such huge areas as this, they just merely brush against the edges, forever. Can you sustain keeping the garage door closed, keeping the front door closed, locked, keeping the car in good repair, talking normally at family dinners, mowing the back lawn, the front lawn too, can you sustain it all?
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/endf’ snippet/ 11:30 am
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And the world on the verge of such a breakthrough .. ah, what do you do, no way to bring it into the area we work on it, live it.
How strange, in its delicate nature, to come to an understanding, how bad patterns are made, and how they are worked on.
Nothing ever changes.
Chuckle, in meditation, at the eotu changing things, working on it.
Is it real, the delicate balance, live life, it forces its way in, dominates .. live life.
You can’t help it, it’s always there, reality, to live ..
What is this strange addition, is it really life, too?
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/endf’ snippet/ 11:35 am
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So I did a 1+1, so that coupled with 1 hour 20 minutes magnification, equals 2 hours 30 minutes .. so a good start to the day, I feel calmer, there is a certain beauty in it, the eotu coming out from around the barriers, you feel it, staring, gently, how humans are usually blessed at birth, given energy, and a little more every so often through life .. but the eotu sends them on their way, is not there, as itself .. oh, it watches, or stays away, /how wonderful, it steps out from behind shrouds .. but careful, be respectful .. oh it visits in the meditation, will see you, “failed human” “tell me your story” it says, “tell me about this ‘earth’ ‘your sky, your trees’ tell me a sweet story, of prettiness, it can be, or add that in, help you, feel the moon, the sun, be pretty with them, not all is ugly.” And life, feel the eotu, strange creature, from behind shrouds, gentle energy, no face, no body, not made of matter, feel it glow in a story, words scenes pictures, no a story beyond words scenes pictures,/the mind pushing those symbols to reality, no, just stay there/ be as it/ feel it just know, no explanation to its powers/ the only one, feel meditation allow you to throw open doors in mind to see it/, no details “of explanation” you should know, not yet,/if ever/ just feel it, no language, no symbols, nothing you can express/ things of matter that the eyes, touch of eyes .. allow it to live now, of “no matter” and tell you grade gradually, smooth, advance/, except we are here, deep deep in you .. feel this it there here feel it develop, feel it collide come .. to touch in how it seems warm bump the fplsm,et-medistion .. fuve-eomrnt, fuve-plnrt, / oh a bit of misspelling, thank you for/these thigs, feel it bkess with iots gazite, touch gadget no the tribked humn, and make thigs with a gadget dazook a little better, as it will come to live then, on esrth, as the little prsyer beig,. feel gher smile ‘imsginsry” ‘pictured’ firminfg into life she is extra image not, will you ever tell anyine, or ios she im,p[ossibke to tell/ perhaps you sdhoul.d nt look to tell anuone? Will this little thig ever hsve a voice? Literally see a way?
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Perhaps you can just smile. Feel calm.
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/endf’ snippet/ 1:10 pm
/yes writing finished there back to internet here, but feel calm inside, much terror, much upset through the years, laziness, effort, gone-ness, fitfulness, extreme effort extreme try
all of it
just dying, don't fit anywhere, become so sad can't move are not really "lazy"
and so it is, denizens, exits "never found their way" weirdoes but blessed if they can hang on to see the upper reaches
and bring them, to us
they had their exit card, and suffered.
to bring it to us, at last .. a little work, a lot of work, for us to do
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