Be brave, meditate ... ./ .. / .your inside, great fears there, great trouble .. /go into it .. like a new year's thing .. hoping the world does it./ oh life what you gonna do no one respects you for obvious screwdupbness on the outside if you show your gut scared child whimpering raging in there draped through soup spitting/ it stings bites we whiffer gloss lit fabatuckuflous uglyup spell rightlightguilts, no showe smooth skin "perefect" arggh never tell the truth never work on othow effed up you are or lie never work on it,/ it drives you though doesn't it, get in secret slights, secret bashes .. isn't it time ..?

Ah “bravery” supposed to be punching someone in the face, or driving a car fast on a racetrack .. when bravery is the horrors inside .. each person .. what you’re run on .. stand there .. for a change.  Yeah, I want to see you on the outside, but this too.

-

What’s in there.  Calm that down.  Then bring me you.

-

So yeah, here’s a little writing, did after this morning’s meditation.

-

Monday, December 30, 2013  12:50 pm

So, I did a 1+1, and that coupled with 49 minutes magnification, equals 1 hour 59 minutes total .. oh, some problems in it, the nattering comes back “I guess it’s all a human has” people walking around, smiles on their faces sometimes, how real is it .. oh, inside, these contraptions, bodies, what are you run on, what’s in there?

Strange to go farther, see the beginning of the universe, the eotu, see what it’s really like, it’s very odd to consider “it has no big palace” when here on earth “all the rich men” “have big palaces” some don’t, but then they’re considered quite odd, like if they live in a 2-bedroom stucco house and they’re worth a billion dollars .. um .. “what’s wrong with you?” so humans, you know, go on about it .. it’s painful, to see that nattering inside, the kind of greedy angry nattering, that drives a person to get rich, but not to love .. and can sometimes drive you over the edge, hate, paranoia, I don’t know, lots of trouble boiling in there .. how do you calm it down? well, some good days you get a glimpse of some more lovely thing .. and that carries you through to the bad days .. even though the angry bitter things are like a tidal wave, this “little other” is there too .. it seems so overpowering “the human has details of thoughts, details of hatreds, details of anger” you can go on and on about it .. it really takes you over, and to mention the eotu at the edge of the universe, and it doesn’t even have a palace, well, that makes me chuckle right here, heck, it doesn’t even have a 2-bedroom stucco house, ha ha! oh, it’s hilarious and gentle, it really is a good being, not a prick like all of us.

Oh, some of us are good, a few good saintly people, but have such troubles, pummelled and thrown around by the rest ..

Ah like those fighting matches on TV, the owners of the whole fight game thing are making 100’s of millions of dollars, and the public loves it, see grown men tear each other apart, an ordered calculated “some rules” send them in there to get pounded and bloodied up – munch your popcorn at home ../ the humans love this kind of “survival of the fittest” pit people against each other to see who survives the bloodbath ..

Ah it is more of the same “civilized” no, what is inside, I face that in meditation, what runs these bodies, heads .. ah, it’s not too pretty .. it makes you kind of sad at “any attempt at civilized” it has its degree of falseness .. ah people are at odds with what’s inside .. many people use drugs and alcohol to tame it down, ah it never quite works, and you become less of a person after a while .. and so it goes .. the hell inside, paranoia, fear, hatred – all kinds of things – desperateness, pushiness, no love – so sit with that, walk straight into that – no, I’d prefer stay on the sidelines, douse it with alcohol.

No, me, I don’t do that.

I walk straight into it.

-

Day after day, do this every day, for an honest life all day.

You see the eotu, and you see the nasty human, and they mix it up, nah, the eotu sits in a small way with the blustering human, just sits with it, a friend.  And all the reasons for all the bad patterns, swelling up and bursting and covering the earth, human rage, human avarice, just out of control, why, oh it brings life, this is life, complicated and ugly, this is life, and some of us, feel the eotu read it, and live its own little life here too .. sad, respectful, comes through, is brought life .. out of control humans want a little god, they really do .. this is practical, not a story .. it really lives in a quiet modest way, no palace.  For each of us, this is possible.  Know it, chuckle, at the funny little eotu and prayer being and floating words – and carry on – a quiet inner strength.

Ah isn’t built so easily, a nervous person could explode any second, feels the eotu in a little way, it’s a little little way in meditation, and sometimes in life you don’t feel it at all.  It is just barely there, rage could be coming, explode, so tamp it down a bit, you have the eotu, you love the eotu, it keeps you from going over the top, ah, barely, walk home, ah survive, no jail sentence for killing someone or something – am I that bad? no, not really, but each of us, we have rage, and just upset in our gut – stress, and stress – and then what straw breaks the camel’s back – it is like that – so at least I have my writing here, and I have my meditation.  I have that.

I am civilized, deep in.  It is not a lie.

I douse with alcohol and drugs or whatever it is to tamp it down to lie about it, what ruins me.

Never walk straight into it and deal with it.

Like the brave people in meditation do.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 1:25 pm

what well here we are an alternate crinsness for all still happy in its own tough way

11:45 pm

Did an exercise session tonight, it took me about 2 hours 21 minutes, I did the full warmups, full joint drills, then no strength exercise tonight, and just did all-body stretches then .. very hard to get to it initially, I was feeling depressed, despondent, ah, the world, being out in the world, I feel it you know, a very teetering mess, who’s loved, who’s left to die, so I eventually got to the exercise when it became a prayer “for all those in a cell” a literal cell, in prison, also just feeling “enclosed” “no way out”

So very interesting the way that gets me going, then I am able to engage, I start seeing the little prayer being, and her speaking the floating words, which become a being in themselves, the eotu, from the edge of the universe, can then live here, have a little place .. it is interesting “because I am matter” “we are all matter” and we are often in pain and confused within that matter, it is interesting including the outside of it too, if you can reach there, “in your wall to wall pain” if you can reach there.  Strange, to find these friends, in this despair, and work it, be able to be seen “as a life happening” “they agree, they will work with it” “this is matter made, shaped, this is how it extends, goes farther” “is not just ‘no matter’ ‘nothing’ ‘no time’ ‘up, down’ ‘wide, thin’ all these things, they watch curiously, they are not actually ‘nothing’ but we are so caught in our ‘only our life matters, only our life ‘is there’” so it’s quite a challenge, to sit with depression, then decide on this, work it into this.  Quite a challenge.  Instead of just dying with it.  All of us.  So yes, the eotu, can you feel him, not of matter – from meditation, can you feel him, his quantity, over the years you have studied meditation, is he alive, if you are alive, work this process, a painful, disturbed life, work it, don’t just succumb to it, work this process.  It knows what to be, it is a god as far as a low-key god, practical, in the story, the human joining in on seeing it – the prayer being and the eotu are little artists, they do good art, as I strain, but not too much, in exercise, keep it even, “have the moment” “of their love” know when I can have confidence, in exercise, push, not injure my old body, with their love, little artists, see me working the pain, the ordinary human life, millions of us with pain, they come alive, as I see them too, if I can see them too.

And talk them.

Like I am talking them here.

It is a strange kind of energy.

Sharing this among us.

A consciousness that we don’t have right now./ that we talk these strange beings, as we exist in matter, but agree “something not of matter made us” now bring it down to earth, this way./ if you can, if you can survive talking this way, don’t panic, don’t collapse.  Know the ins and outs of having a paragraph to give in this, start with that, that’s an incredible amount, to form it, any of this./ just look, if you can catch a glimpse of the words floating in the air, let them see, say nothing, someone skilled in this consciousness, you as a watching human being, open to it, offer incredible support, to these beings just getting their bearings.

Of course, I too have to go out in the world, then this is dashed, of course, hee-hee/  I’m certainly not naïve.

As it forms.

This steady pace, then nothing,. Then forms a little again.  Then nothing lots of mpthiong, sweaty be jangled ion your berain As on it goes.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 12:10 am

I am here what about you are you there

Sunday, December 22, 2013  1:25 pm

So I did a 2+2, so that coupled with 57 minutes magnification, equals 2 hours 48 minutes total, I just did the magnification, then straight-through to the sit-down, no writing this morning.  Oh, you know, by the end, feel the beauty of the little prayer being, like do my closing off sequence, then open my eyes, well, the last half of closing off is with eyes open, but when totally finished, for sitting right there, oh come out of cross-legged position, and massage legs and feet a bit, clamp hands on knees, on joints, soothe, reassure all will be okay, love yourself, be allowed, bright happy future, bright happy now .. oh when people get sick, or you just live, I mean teenagers are upset – which kids like them at school, which don’t, are they okay, do they fit in, and should they fit in? ah life, be nice, when does that leave us “people were nice to us, people were always nice to us” – were our parents nice to us, hopefully yours were, you had a good start, a nice family, oh, smiles and acceptance, no meanness .. oh, a little creeps in, kids will be kids, adults will be adults, some screaming, slapping, oops, not much, no, my dad maybe hit me once, and my mom would hit us on the bottom with a wooden spoon “oh no! not the wooden spoon!” it had a nice shape, just for hitting a little kid’s bottom just a good stinging, just once you know, shock the little kid, come out of it “you’re being a brat” but that was very rare she did that, but yeah sometimes little kids get right out of control, and that mixing spoon, the carved wooden spoon there, factory carved, you know a typical wooden spoon for baking/ oh didn’t hurt too much, just hurt a little/ my mom she was a very kind lady, maybe we took advantage of that, went right rank, out of control, oh not always, her kindness sunk in, we were polite, generally, but not all goes good all the time .. but happiness, from being loved, 90% of the time, oh most of the time, and life has its hiccups, life .. to grow up, to miss the happiness, of mom and dad and family, little kids, happy enough, no troubles really, get the flu a little, be sick, but running around, happy .. and as adults, oh, you meet your first rotten person here and there, or meet them growing up, people that don’t care, that want to hurt you .. this is life .. survival .. who punches another person in the face .. what’s your first experience with that, in the outside world? do you punch back? Ah life, until your soul is heavy, can’t be glad anymore .. where is my soul, after a while? .. so at this age, 53, and doing this meditation, it makes you want to seek your soul again, and you feel silly .. but bright .. the possibilities .. “to be allowed” “even in the privacy of your own home” “no one around” “no one of earthly means” oh, life, the little prayer being, sitting on my leg, when I stretch out from sitting cross-legged, I begin to wonder if now I can think of her, is she there, in this reality, all this stimulation “back to things made of matter” is she there “and yes I am!” she says, standing there, just tiny, today, this morning, like 8 inches high? 10 inches? Oh, maybe not even that much. Umhahaumm/ funny little thing, she talks to me, I touch her on the back, rub her, I say she can sit on my leg, rest a bit, she does, and we talk, just about her staying around while reality is here, she wants to touch me, I shake her little hand, or just put my big hand out, she places her little hand in it, I touch the top of her hand with my thumb, just gently.

And that is all, well, we talk, smile, just small words, and her, is she going to speak floating words “oh eric I don’t know, I am you, you are me, can you do that? can you feel like me? can you enter me?” and then I must get up, so I help her off my leg, make sure she is steady, and I get up.  And rub myself down like I do, once standing up, have the routine, reassure my body, it is back, be strong, and the good energy stay with me, be strong, /the dirty energy gone, the poison, rub off last bits and rub in good .. oh, and the prayer being, she is free, bright, happy, so me as an adult, I can test out feeling her by just moving a little, slight hand movements arms legs that a bight happy person would do, not me.  Ha ha.  Kind of sad.  That I can do it, as her, in the privacy of this recroom, down here, but I can’t do it out there.  In the world.

Oh, reality, who can we do this with?  Who can we work this in with?  Say it as part of conversation have no bearing points, bearings, locate ourselves, her, us, locate us, how we talk, begin, in reality, but her life is important, but we can’t do this, just can’t do this./ can’t start up a conversation, say to a person “my prayer being is here too.  Can you see her?” and you both understand and you direct the friend’s gaze to her, you both get through panic and feel happy to mention her, it is not dirty or sexy or insane, it’s just us, deep inside, our souls./  And the world so sad.  Adults so sad, without their souls.

Right there in open air see it I show you it.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 2:05 pm

we all try to talk, but you know, you get there, you shy away, what is this creature I am attempting to talk to, I know the usual ways, I'll do the usual ways, I can't offer papers drawings words we both admit this is failing

Offer papers, offer guidance, forget guidance “are you a counselor” “what are you?” shake, both of you shake, small spastic dance of two people trying to talk, for real “the talking openly from the heart is terrifying” she jitters out, the words splitting apart, falling, she bending to gather them up, he bending to gather his too “yes it is so terrifying!” “we so scared of each other, but want to hug each other.”

-

//

And so it goes, papers, and perhaps freaky being float in midair human create them we are no longer artists, ordinary artists, any of us, we try something.

That sound of words let it whisper volume thick cloud let humble you float there directly in front of you let it stay.

Some someone have more experience and enter it and talk from it – or jitter and just about collapse in mental collapse and need paramedics, this thing writers have worked on from long ago to now, suggesting ways to circumvent growing up to adults and losing honesty .. and then run away to mountains .. and look at interlopers through the screen door .. and say nothing

adult

-

//

We are there then .. this is no group, saddle up to me and offer papers, out in “real life” jitter with the papers, reason, excuse, jitter with the papers, all ordinary artists advancing on

“I am not an artist, with canvas, pouring it out, then falling silent, with people” “and I am not in a recovery group, recovery from addiction, mental illness, beating, shock, trauma, I like those places, they are safe, or should be” but meet me in the open AND BE SO DAMNED SCARED ABOUT THIS

Have any format, not lying, but honest

-

I go along with how adults are, and teenagers are well on their way there too, a bit of a struggle, but they soon fit in, but life is not some vile conspiracy, all adults lying all the time, no they have good times too, honest times too, comfortable lives, some of the time/ do you dare sometimes, get the jitters, on the important subjects no one talks about ever, no one can identify, quit complaining and enter into, quit protesting and enter into “I don’t want to protest, I want to do it now”

Even the most advanced only a feeling to get angry “about what” “cannot identify the beauty we should all be doing” “cannot identify”/ hiw a huan says itm, whst words they choose, whst subjects they set upon, whst they appesr to look like, fiddling with bidy lasngusge, w3iord, vocabuklsry, matter, edge of universe “WHO AWHOA Whia oksy there! …”

Lead me in no don’rt toyu creepweird idemtfy not of this world pieces

-

//

Get whole picture

Jittery 90,000 psges, work on, thresd, weave

-

//

To have any .. dumb brave structure, crazy insane bargain basement alien standard smelly crack woman man of here

Offer me something

As we melt into usual meeting of bodies words people in skin bones, carry around great million mile mystery in us that we can’t access

Any form, gently put aside life as it usually is, enter the other form

-

//

“Tell me!  Please, tell me all this !  I wonly freak out, slap you!”

We have papers, each of us, I think, that are no good, but good

We each have papers, ah marginal skill, even if never drawn in our lives, ah scribble, look sheepish sort of drawl to someone “well I know it’s not any good” ah the identifiers, to really being a real person, or some freak .. now that all ways to be a human being have been identified, so go with it, we each do our pieces of the pie that way, but something follows alongside.  Janey says, to Merle, having a coffee, or a tea, Janey has a tea, just plain tea, milk and sugar, Merle has some fancy coffee some caramel and fuzz on top, or whipped cream, Janey is poor, explain it all to Merle, Merle is rich, doesn’t listen, but is there, looking out the window, being distracted, Janey says “you fat pig, no just kidding, clumsy you, I’m not even talking, look at you, look at no one – way things are.  Life.  Get a station in life, be a person, built of polymer clay or something, or ceramic clay, from the ground, roast the ground, hold together, mud, cement, something, be a craftsperson, or something linger in your art, your crafts, that says you’re a weird freaky person, and you’re going to show me, or some normal but never seen normal, so I guess it’s not normal, I always expected it of you.

-

//

Papers.  Janey has a few.  Dumb stale same as usual papers, or no she doesn’t really think that, or sort of, isn’t sure, show the world, “art not finished” but up ahead lies it finished, in the person, but not the person/ clumsy art, half-finished unskilled misspelled scrawled “do you indicate you know how to be the freak being” “ordinary clean no odd clothes you don’t look different” “say it in your words”

-

Have a way sit with me not rush it not push it

Have a way

The odd human being doesn’t at all exist

-

“so when are you going to show me, Janey?” Melre says “ I got your papers, yeah” he looks through the binder, copies of them printout some medium quality she shows the great artist merle the great connected to galleries but poor Janey no skill in “something new” just tiny barest hint she can be the freak human past the art, but she can’t show merle she can’t show anybody.

Way it goes.  In this world.  You have time, to have some good times, and battle with injustice the rest of the time.  And there’s no other time left.

-

What lies inside your drawings?

Plain old drawings.

-

Hint to me, loser artist, never had a career.  Hint to me.  You’re something after dead, you died, you crapped out, you say it was some work towards something?  Fucking nuts.  I’m successful, why should I listen to you? look at you?

-

The world look at people died but smart never had a career are mentally ill kaput but clean, most of the time, shower.

What are you?

Hell I ain’t seen nothing like you a glimmer past earth senses I have in control of.

-

//

(End of pictures here.  No more.  Here's a few more.)
la la loser m,e la loofa wash my vack nit so comdortabke worrued very worried.  Keep working.  This has venue.  Merit

we all ah blahbe nice scnookie, hide away "I;m nice insude topo i think" "it's nit all hifimg thst I;m mercensry and grumbly, no nio." ah anythig to us papers, like a purebred dog, purebred non=writer, never trued, wruter has been expressor coffee? no silly/ we all aint git a chamce hide and shaddup.  We all peek la out.  Smile.  We still smile.  it's not all knives and guns og was it iover was it ince whst are you niw any of u.. world .. come a long way .. no .. sit here, tea and coffe, talk about this, if you can

we all have mess, damnit, I;m a mess, I hold ot up keep mtelf tigether diont shiw you must be on perfect show thst t perfect soulmste ah let me be messy can I now eh

I'm really a rat in the car headlights, a rat standing on stilts pretending to be a deer/ we all get away with it, nah "our show" heck we're just trying "only face we have" what's behind is not developed - no one can

have this strange life extra, like Janey tries to show to Merle, while she lives, maybe has a job at a graphic arts firm .. while she lives .. no time for this, no opportunity, none of us have, not just artists, with pencils, pens, creative types - no - this is universal

oh the time we spend apart, we close the gap over waves of water paper blue, light blue, white, thoughts, almost getting there ...

This drawing just represents “nowhere to go” “no greeting card to buy” “no proper conversation to have” not to be insulting to anyone I know, but we all .. “we seek companionship” ah, go out there, but life, draws to a close, then opens up again, like a flower, opening, closing – breathing, lungs, pink, brave air, middle of city soot, sit in small clay pot, low, some formed fingers, grip edge, middle of intersection

Don’t run over me

Someone pick it up, take it to the side, strange thing

So, papers, like this drawing above, is it some involved “take hours to shade” “judge angles” or what am I hinting at inside?

-

So here is some writing I did offline, in “the long book.”  Long enough, tender inside ragged blown apart repaired many concrete pouring trucks many tree planters

-

//

10:05 pm

So having some trouble, uplifting my spirit, I get the meditation done in the morning, at least I do that, and I do writing during the day, oh this writing is not bad, the theme, “and I do have a suitably ‘downgraded life’” oh I don’t want to dwell on that too much, but I don’t avoid it either, anyone in this position, there are a lot of strikes against me – it literally does take “something this weird” to bring me out of it, at least for short stretches – I literally need “more of an explanation” than anyone here on earth can offer me – I need something in the quiet, when alone, just with my thoughts – everyone does when you’re damaged, have pain, whether you’re gregarious, in constant contact with friends, have a big family, /personal pain, inside, needs something weird.  It isn’t going away, when it strikes you it’s unexplainable, the severity, either physical or mental or spiritual or just a mess a swarm, it really is quite strange, and you need a kind of fairytale niceness, better scene than earth ..

You need it for real, not reading comic books or watching movies you need it in the shitty pain you feel inside that no one can deal with.

So yeah, I don’t expect to ever meet with you at a book signing or reading, maybe we can, but it’s very downplayed, this, to live this in the open.  Ah, it is like my writing, like stretches of “bad writing” or “quirky misspellings” they can be painful “you just want it to end” or to see, how pain is, but opening up to being healed a little, join on it, inside things, that maybe words of before were too perfect in, you didn’t see me, I didn’t see you, maybe join on words “what does that one mean? what 10 words could it mean? instead of being strictly limited to one and I feel in pain?”  really, it is true.

In pain, at levels “where it’s all supposed to be okay” “someone just sit with me in my pain inside, /the words of perfect, I push them away, I’ll just lie in bed, I don’t want to read them, but I will read these.”

And understand we are all reached.  There is a way, it is ugly but has a hidden hope, like in our gut, all conversations with anyone we know have run out, across the world, oh we don’t totally divorce living life, but all the coverings we wear –/ and words certainly wear, grammar, punctuation, length of sentences, limitation of breadth of idea/ I don’t know, there are just a whole lot of sad people we have a confusing and wide landscape inside and following this book, the 90,000 pages, living here, helps/ it’s a little thing, landscape of world can be rough, but our pretty, wide landscape inside can be pretty ...  It’s our shitty pain, no answers,/ we need friends on it, oh I love friends for surface getting along and a bit deeper oh we try c’mon I’m not putting anyone down, I’m the same/ oh, life, show me tremoring blasting landscape my heart my nerves show me you stand there, anyone/ bleak beep beep oh hello! You’re here/ we know of no doctor to call on, oh no one does not even the fine doctors, do their best, for what is touchable/ this mess inside, though .. no weekly or every 2 weeks gathering throw out some .. oh call it a little oh ow “garbage pickup” nothing, you abandon all help for it but get some help for the surplasurface or as please much as any of us can hope for thank you anyone that has helped me through the years, the terrible depths staircases winding turrets old cold castles brewing in of each of us, wanting an unknown lanbangguage, doesn’t get it pop slide/ we still see the queasy but functioning oh just like us doctors, fellows, people on the fellowship planet does its best, can you tell I am not blaming anyone, we are all in the same boat, hidden depths not looked at, we can’t, no known way, as progress abandons  this in all of us, / but you know, they and us know not a person thing plant barber grocer druggist sklime dealer apartnebt dark hall no one to call not a perspeprot or clean nol number on either where the .. we need to talk, all orf us, or meet fur paoers woof, sil;ent dogs, without masters, on their opwn, doing deals for p[aper thought quench my lack of kindness we lever maw, meet fur mouth the drawig word on paper my mouth don’t / these papers, crest the bluff, over the top of hill,e small ones, paper a little undert resin a pendant or any small hipe/hop this ecrety/ equally secretive but good world of this book and hufgeness a festive fester 8 ½ by 11, or sround thst size, small, or lrge, or indycstions of anything“we kniw whst we are talkg about in this” anything but the world of suffer go hiome you didn’t solve it/ talk a little/ but need more no one to ask nowhere to look unknown life where my pain is, where I live all the time/ break or stay silent bad two choices, can’t utter it provide outline ask any of as a human, feel too overloaded run-on enclosed sentence words offer hope change them I cant thery’re finished thank you eric for opening it up a little more, we are imprisoned, by impossblahmessge, by havig to seem “togravelegether” “unfkspp drag drivesbnle” “no steer fear grip in the face of turns damher’ nithig of damaging ti do and lay out, go, about the sickness sweeping the world.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 10:40 pm

Nothing to do.

-

//

So that writing over there, offline “long book” but here we are capping it off, want to make no trouble, ah poor world, but to “navel gaze” or “twiddle your thumbs” “meditate” ouch that hurts, meditation is very very hard work, the true kind, work up to doing an hour, two hours, more, when one minute is too much for most people, sit on a cushion, arrange yourself, close your eyes, be awake, alert, FOR IN THERE!!  AGHHHH! Stop! Our true selves .. /so we meet, sit glumly aren’t doing ni fivking medistion, or sit “we drew [aoper s/ papers/ spell right eric our world emans it “I have no more surface” “let me show a little of what lies beyond”/ were content a war, house/ a warm house I mean, “comma” “,” is cvlose to “m”, ah tap away on true represemtstion my mess anyines mess we pretty damn u looks pretty here ir excised or givem to “grest rt” great art/ ahem don’t have anymore misspellings now okay eric? I dinlt think so ../ we veer. In a dragged rock broken curb hard thing like that/ change/ willing .. / a fire on in the hearth (oh bsck to some writing here), no, but lights on, some “scu;pture” or warmnycubntlamp? Oh?pretty” sift through decide did he mean that what was it stream?/ oh extra space nature of mind warm soup languish with me undecided spout tea pour words or walk beyond mere anyan/ anyone woman man or god of clichetoris or special orgasmic medityation what? are you trying to enrage us eric or walk through the firest words trees fallen/ see humus degrade leaves junk loa respect or giving universe chance to come here/ research lurch no heart attack? Agh be home be quiet lines we all look at drugs ancent wordhsve quiet time draw nownit really an srtust “give me as you can see by my work!” ha we hold hands ubion of divisbe “cant say anything”! / divisive/ was that word back there, “oh thank you Eric for cleaning up your forest a bit,” or no, it is fine the way it is, let’s just walk/ it gets there unfesrundycng ubn-feces-fecund rich loamy no hujman shit where arte thouwe going with vroothis I try to relax rue this ah in the forest something else, no souplnds, of soupy forge hufhway, or not hike so much, please let me relax sit here small hill, inside, with others like me we/ show me ga paper, we sit quietly and gag smile quietly urop afoo, nothing to say except crazy misspell, like this, some year ahead now/ it gets there we sit “so whst you git to say?” no one gut nithig to say in restaurants coffewshops back room at art gallery modified for public busness que upartistsd of this type meet with patience patrons quizzle question drizzle quiet rain puiss ply spit quiet moast prepared groomed say nothing no p[erformace aty just life in other words nothing can be done/ moist, oh was that a word from back there, yes/ fluent fle, in flashingflstig flashlight light words, sh float whst are thwse?  /for usget it.// dint talk, sit, meet, say“dfir papers referig to it”  “I can do no more train.”  Well then says patron I know it is difficult but talk a little/ “But I din’t let aot out, I dint find people press me to let ot pout to mor.”  we sit, there’s this invest humming in nothing slight but get pastsyspicion, or tempt me granulate you quotation plop, the person kniws hiw to do it, yiou’re sure? investment in inside, no longer the art, what a curious space we are in now/ let some more out, Eric, your hidden book/ you’ve seen some vods void eopsyo, what is that pray tell on theur investment sut with each other strange distant depth, never come across in life. “or buy my artwork” “I can’t I live and breathe for more, I’ve hopped that train, I see the light, oops/trade on, baby hints of asacallthings I can do or see you insuyde” see you there okay let’s go/ never tell you, we dinlt hste over this, like ‘gimme! I kniw you maybe scale it down meet again another 10 times frapiends bookends star uneasy unameable whatyever this is, new world haolf a new more halted losrt hsve any unknow it lose all!” it’s more glimpse enough we’ve been enough okay without it for so long, timorous we’re glad to see a little of it./ timid I sit dfasr away huddem behind bookshelf and wall and paint

ah the world we carry on spelling right spellcheck word replace try to get it right start too soon finish up too soon left in the wastelands with what's really going on no

No, don’t say that.  As to the title of this post there.  Oh don’t say anything “I couldn’t say anything.  I wouldn’t know what to say”

It doesn’t form./ I could try in my mind see, embarrassed flushed red-faced flailing like a child, I couldn’t do that “seek mommy” “in front of strangers” “hide behind her dress” ah, I mean, at this point, we just go on with it as it is.  I have bithig/ nothing/ whoops to guve you./ oh tits starting the words are misspelling  I m tigetheer  So-called.” Never question me I’m with yiu I am

-

So here’s some writing I dyd offine, “the long book” oh, fter midway on medustion, had dune the ftrst psrt, the msgnifucstion psrt./ oh what a mess the words I fight to see tyhem relax see other lige/ ah/ get ot together/ or epair seem assd usual “excuse me” “”burp”

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Thursday, December 5, 2013  12:25 pm

Oh, life, you know it is in me to feel better – how strange, when I start off in meditation, in the magnification, first hold the spinning ball, between my arms, visualize it, inject chi, from through barriers “can’t get to it” oh, life, “through the taiji cord” like is represented in the yin-yang symbol, the “S” line between areas .. oh, it’s so strange, to over the period of an hour and 6 minutes, oh, I didn’t write down the exact start time, I forgot, a bit bleary this morning, /but in you, the difference between happy smiles, ah feeling the little prayer being, or just dreariness, and I mean really grumbly bear dragged down you’re-not-going to make it dreariness .. oh my .. it really is that bad “it doesn’t have the humour of the picture of the big bear dragged down” it really is awful, the truth inside all of us .. and people try to fix it with a coffee, maybe go out on the balcony, have a cigarette, oh my God, all false “fixes” all the drugs, any drug, even a doctor might give you .. all false (well, I’m talking about the ones “they give to fix your mood” it really is better to find something natural, ah the doctors and their pills can help you in the short run, but long term, you really should dig in to the truth) (and even pills for physical ailments, ah, it really is better to be proactive, dig into a hardcore meditation like this, if you can afford it, who can put in the hours is needed to do it, have the financial means to have that time each day? How do you make a living? And also just brave the pain, each day, don’t cover it up with pills and coffee and the like/ it is a tough go, the truth, deep in the human, past their matter, being made of matter, seeming to exist on this plane/ ah, sounds pretty weird, right? It takes years, to step over into that, for real healing/ and real maintenance of the body mind soul keeping it healthy, longevity, quiet, peace/ not the surface values but the kind you find through deep internal work, fearful of it, deathly scared of it, as each of us are/ it takes extreme bravery, to sit on a cushion, cross-legged, see what is in there) .. very/ helpful/ but very/ strange/ but let me get this straight “well if it helps you?”/ no wait here I am talking biout the pulls,  oh asdding thgs in this wriing, the momnnt, showing the moment, nit edited, smooth/ ah, whst us our “help?’ cover uupp something, ssdjjust it on the suurfsce?/ aah life, so strange to seek (something else) the little prayer being, the beginnings of her, in magnification, the first part of the meditation, I inject the chi, through the spinning ball, then break from the pose, move a bit, just spontaneously, nothing huge, just quietly move my feet, my torso, my legs, eyes closed, moving,/ slowlt feel toes grip[ floor release, raise heel on one foot touch toes to floorraise thrm too just very small movements feeling this all gradually touch like feeling the wonder of leaves and rain// the extremepain, the extreme gentleness stay with it, don’t rub it offrun, stay, tedium, pain, the minutes go by, out in some destitute inert, some suffwerting, to reacgh a better feeling inside, that may bot be tjhere, years of training, it is therte, further on, misspelling heavy it certainly doesn’t feel l;ike it in the beginningf thouigh, the mind vhanging “nothing available’ be peasceful with it, as it chatters, wants worries, check it gemtky, sometimes you get sducked in, stsrt builig the picture of whstever worry comes along, it is “wonderful evil basty hurtds you love it down the road again fuclbut check it, perhaps well int it, bit chexck it fur real, smile a bit “you even knw!’ “yto check it!” “see the other!’ you evemn rember, deep in your mind, you evn rember these are there too chumpcapsbilities, the process “it comes from somewhere’ “ghidden” was there, in furmer sessons was there is it there now, dues nit feel like it is here tuday, every day, crummy banged in cans of words thoughts loog fasce it sgan, losst, scared, intill you get to it .. again emerge out of forest of concrete oillars hammerrting you// feeling the nergy insude me/ ah my humsn latxches on ti any worry, it makes me sick, then as I realize to check it, i laugh at in me pointm, it really wants any from a wide assortment of worbamries/ ah pooor all of us, to feel thst,, your core, or wants to be your very lovecre, how strange, to work on something else, reject “all that is human” “love for mess” in me/ my life my mess psychologicall it is such a drag .. “and thus ‘imsginsry story’ of ‘the eotu, edge of universe, comig ti resd me, trasvvel through me, because of my pain, it can then know how to make a being, that has positive happy qhooenergy, it kniows how, in our conrextm humn stiry, can produce the little prayer being, not of matter, any known shape or sonsstuientxcy oof mstter, seen, tasted/ word replace skim / ‘there but she is there, poor thig can hsrdly believe she’s alive, in this ‘scene’ grumboolies, serious, a caustic drag in your gitgoing you just want to lie duwn and huddke in a ball, poor poopperson, it is ded, the it alnegativity, phyuscal mental plashpain shardsluggushness, ‘jjust die wh’ it is thst bad, then hssve the capsscorty to work tiwarss this better spell beginning of prsyer beig, this hour and 6 minutes this morning, then rubb hands together, seal itkeep it in there a bit, then write thus a bitm then go over there later, di the sit-down part/ ooh life .. the little prsyer beig,, and at some point she cionsudwers the “floasstig wiords” she speaks, and it / ah they stop in midaor look asbeginng bright smile just to look/ makes her smile, makes me smile ..  Oh, fir me, these 14 yesrs st meditstion, developing tiis story for myself, my own personal story, own waytouches, ah it is a difficult meditation, but honest about what’s in you, not taking any “stoploogap measures” going to deep in, how it rashreally is .. and poor little shy thing .. with me now .. ah she could hsrdlly belive she was alive at all this mornig after beifne scratch sandstor, sfter seeimg my grunnding, my deadness las .. she feels it a little she eneerges on the other side, she emerges.

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/endf’ snippet/ 1:05 pm

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//

All this we can’t talk about, not really.  In a group, anywhere, bring it up, what in words, we can.  Oh, “my audience” the strange situation for the book offline, and this little I let out here online, ah hints, but we all have privacy, but the book tapped offline, has been since the beginning, ah, I don’t dwell on it much, the story spreading from there, ah, for me, I can’t think of it too much, /just my health, continuing on it but certainly “we none of us get the chance to say this to each other” I go to a couple of groups to talk too, but this isn’t brought up, my true health, I decided, or was led, from hints, something beyond, ah dig deeper, I like the groups I go to, once a week, but you know, for me, alone, in my time, you have to dig deeper, otherwise you get up to no good, or are just living life as usual .. how sad, 10 billion people on earth, or nearing that, and really, “the model of the man or woman going off to the mountain to meditate” is not so far off, with all the “help” “doctors hospitals researchers pills drugs” you just go away, quietly, to find your health each time./ (oh I am by no means saying replace medical help with thus/ but this is another form, we can’t bring up, with doctors, hospitals, friends, family “oh my! That bad!” yes, that bad.  Oh ../ something so internal, so deepleaseepbleep, get ridof it/ so helpful, you cannot bring up with anyine/ )  This book is fur thst, we still engsge with duycturs, hispitals, all of it, but you just quietly do your oen thugm weith this, too./ own thing withis too/ sentences spelled right we spell them rifghjt sometimes too go along with all too lay aside the truth

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/endf’ snippet/ 1:20 pm

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//

It really is something akin to the “matrix” only it is not the movie, the entertaining scippylofill ume, you are not making a pat on the joke joke, it smiles, follows youi everywhere, no you are serlafious, real, so you shut up about it.

-

//

So end of that writing there, from “long book” here I am, halfway here, oh adding to this file, on the long book things are double-spaced oh transfer it to another file, make 1.5 spaced, and on we go, to expose to public, this little hidden blog, one or two visitors, on we go, in public, the things you just don’t say, as we wait for God I guess any name, aliens, religious texts, and in ourselves what do we wait for little odd misspelled words cranky cute take them under our wing what are they

Lead to

-

Oh the feel massive book snip out words from it print out a page snip out along lines strips separate have a pile gather throw them on living room rug

Why

What for

Ah I’m never going to read the damn thing

-

But I want the feel of it

-

Mysteries

We can’t reach

Ever

So poor man deranged does a passable job

Don’t want to read it still

-

I walk down the road scatter them there leave a title page sticker marking

-

Here lies the book I never read it was really good

It gets popular

-

Ah things we never think never deal with never see/ ah you say the book really makes sense in the long run? I trust you, I’m never going to read it, but I like playing a game, a little on the streets,/ never going to read it the sky the beyhonsd, past eben matter constructyimgb us/ matter constructing us/ never going to read it/ let me play on its surface please is that good enough/ we’ve done it so far/ so long, s many days/ but moreso srtworks by crimmy unskilled damn human no asrtust let me sdhiw them in gallerues/ new public galleries talk shows talk groyps for what we cant say ever/ as I purse the result of talkig in a strange new wam,/ pursue the result,. New way, or not ever possible, past new, all the bnew of earth/ show mwe thias or yer veritably brisjh against iot somewhere/ appesig in a strange new waym as me, humn, tioo embrrassed, can never touch on it, ever./ shiw me benewsth our lines, existence/ beneath our lines, existence

Correct but dint lose the essence talk weurdo nit from here

Let us correct you

Into something

I think it's important to be nice, despite all the chaos inside, and reissues, new issues out, of your face each day

Oh janey sits at home, her apartment, charles her roommate is off somewhere, his girlfriend, they have their own spaces, visit, do drawings, that may not mean much, draw, express, give up, sell, buy, art, personal art, art replaces conversation, love, we just give art, towards some strange being, might pop out might come together in the air right in front of you.  Millions of pieces of art, and weak people.

It’s finally come to that, new redesigns of sitting together, can’t stand the old ways anymore, finally admit it, take the plunge “Just draw.  Just fucking draw.”  Not said meanly, just toss it off “nothing’s left.”  Draw, write, explain, in blogs, in notes, in creativity, nothing is left, for the old human, wouldn’t say anything, now we wait for the new human, while drawing millions of pieces of lousy art, building, building, to impossible being, we don’t know what floating there, some strange contraption of art words drawing with words stopping in midair building with diodes scraps threads .. assemblages, but “not there” ephemeral disappearing a person keeps a memory an expectation

Of you

-

Could you come back

As that

Every time

-

I don’t want you anymore

-

//

Oh janey, / .. janey sits there janey scrumptious a boy might say, say that about her one day, another girl the next day, she’s 21, 22, does some of these stupid drawings, or /art-not finished art .. towards a person thing unknown being words stop in midair unknown function unknown measuring tape they stop “your mind is confused” seeing them “they are you, but not you” a piece of you a hair, a finger cut off, no not that, but something we need to know how a great piece of us thinking choosing words assembling it goes in the air to someone’s ear

I want to travel with you

-

//

I finally want to assemble, me, without the fucking human body, good tits, saggy tits, small irregular, weird, or boys balls like totem towers stamped into weird shapes by bullies with cake cutters or imagine transferred to face welts pus emitting diodes zits balls deformities too big too small complaints of the erring human herring fishy smell armpits dripping soup for monsters “I sweat because I’m afraid of you, /anymore” we try our best, draw now

Nothing arrived, to perfect us

Draw now

Rely on your mind

Being pretty

-

//

Pretty and substantial and worth something and warm

-

//

We wonder janey does reading this book what comes out instalments plus history pieces of it millions of tries to meld flop wasted out tired artist “has nothing” then has something, working artist, like any other, this is his, and Janey’s too, or all of us, some contraption, past art on our walls, and self-hate on our minds, or being used by boys girls “where is the fucking dignity of the human?” and so nothing left – she’s young, is nice enough looking would not reject kisses in wildflower fields airbrushed hairbrushed just showered petunia fresh no one to give it to, boy or girl or skunk or skull or any meaning “sad no meaning” and this, this fucking strange book, off to the side, huge dump pile, people’s minds, never had success, who ever did at this being, floating in midair words twisted to become this – no, we work on the human, only that.

But some of us didn’t, we work on this.

-

Each week or random, some days, some 3 days skipped, and of course one day he will die, the artist, and just carry on odd impossible difficult “a human shouldn’t even be thinking of developing as this, they never should have started”  who has time.  as we get hints, what it feels like, if you do the meditation, and if you don’t, how you can help, or support this, what’s not there, what’s impossible to become.

But there’s nothing to believe in.

This is the only thing that got the persons spirits up.

No more believing in something, but living something.

Weird bookish intelligent practical warm helping human male or female not so bad to be helping warm /fuck that I need a new being something that has any respect at all for being good kind I need a super-good kind but no fucking comic book hero I need it out in this world and functioning ordinary as practical possible integrated into the human as she or he stands.  You can do it.  it is odd dirty apocalyptic everything blown up we still have a chance with this.  This is serious, in the hospital corridors, when you’re dying, no one is around.

This is serious.

To integrate this new being into yourself.

-

How do you do that, stare at words stopped an impossible big impasse shoving you back from them, to become in them.

lakxz-a-a la le la uh lots of fun no not all the time, sit down to meditation, face your worries, face other peoples in mindbeam, sympathy, join hands, love, minds, souls, slippers sit in pjs sit in sweatpants meditate

So tonight I did a little meditation.  This is what I wrote.

-

9:35 pm

It is good to do a meditation.  It is painful.  You “don’t want to go there.”  You resist.  You sit through it.

But in the end, you are better.  A little.

-

It is the only way.

There is no other way.

For you.

-

In it tonight I saw Samantha the girl from the jail cell.  She wanted to draw.

I also saw Shae.  She wanted to draw.

To be loved, to be able to meditate, and to be able to paint pretty pictures and sell them for a good price so you can keep living.

-

Oh, in each little painting I may do, instruct Samantha, even though I will never meet her.  Only over the praying airwaves.  /When you can convince yourself of that it is quite beautiful.  It transcends.  Your mealy-mouthed miserable complaining, it is quite beautiful.

And I was surprised Shae wants to be an artist, she doesn’t know how but she wants me to teach her, she wants to be in “not a commune” “but loved” “peaceful” “meditate” “do art” be monogamous, true, meditate, do art .. and be sexy bookish, sexy dignified, sexy maturity.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 9:45 pm

-

//

This is the way to make the feelings can be transmitted into art and people enjoy.

If you were ever wondering, stuck, like in a jail cell can’t think like an artist can’t think pretty, Samantha in there for drugs, taking drugs, selling drugs, she doesn’t know how to think pretty and peaceful. 

She can do it this way.

And Shae and her girl friends, they are sex starved but want dignity a change to even if you have or haven’t, but gorging, having no dignity./ they are sick of themselves know no route to the top of that climb out of porn it seeps in everywhere, into some dignity.

But still sex.

Love.

A big question mark.

They don’t even know what it is.

-

Are still searching unable to sit still concentrate on this whatever this is.

-

Beauty in meditation going through hard journey to come out on other side you don’t even know what it is “my mind couldn’t think that”

Beauty werj.

-

Diregedurty prcess

So this is whst I walk round as, somewhere in there, unsire in reality.

Somewjere in there.

un

-

/endf’ snippet/ 9:55 pm

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//

Oh, end of that little writing there, offline, in “the long book,” ah we all have a long book for many years lived.  Ever get to say it to anyone? no not really.  you might happen upon an odd situation allows you to.  any of us could.  But meditation “the person grumpy human doesn’t want to change” “but has to agree to go into meditation in order to change”