This drawing just represents “nowhere to go” “no greeting card to buy” “no proper conversation to have” not to be insulting to anyone I know, but we all .. “we seek companionship” ah, go out there, but life, draws to a close, then opens up again, like a flower, opening, closing – breathing, lungs, pink, brave air, middle of city soot, sit in small clay pot, low, some formed fingers, grip edge, middle of intersection
Don’t run over me
Someone pick it up, take it to the side, strange thing
So, papers, like this drawing above, is it some involved “take hours to shade” “judge angles” or what am I hinting at inside?
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So here is some writing I did offline, in “the long book.” Long enough, tender inside ragged blown apart repaired many concrete pouring trucks many tree planters
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So having some trouble, uplifting my spirit, I get the meditation done in the morning, at least I do that, and I do writing during the day, oh this writing is not bad, the theme, “and I do have a suitably ‘downgraded life’” oh I don’t want to dwell on that too much, but I don’t avoid it either, anyone in this position, there are a lot of strikes against me – it literally does take “something this weird” to bring me out of it, at least for short stretches – I literally need “more of an explanation” than anyone here on earth can offer me – I need something in the quiet, when alone, just with my thoughts – everyone does when you’re damaged, have pain, whether you’re gregarious, in constant contact with friends, have a big family, /personal pain, inside, needs something weird. It isn’t going away, when it strikes you it’s unexplainable, the severity, either physical or mental or spiritual or just a mess a swarm, it really is quite strange, and you need a kind of fairytale niceness, better scene than earth ..
You need it for real, not reading comic books or watching movies you need it in the shitty pain you feel inside that no one can deal with.
So yeah, I don’t expect to ever meet with you at a book signing or reading, maybe we can, but it’s very downplayed, this, to live this in the open. Ah, it is like my writing, like stretches of “bad writing” or “quirky misspellings” they can be painful “you just want it to end” or to see, how pain is, but opening up to being healed a little, join on it, inside things, that maybe words of before were too perfect in, you didn’t see me, I didn’t see you, maybe join on words “what does that one mean? what 10 words could it mean? instead of being strictly limited to one and I feel in pain?” really, it is true.
In pain, at levels “where it’s all supposed to be okay” “someone just sit with me in my pain inside, /the words of perfect, I push them away, I’ll just lie in bed, I don’t want to read them, but I will read these.”
And understand we are all reached. There is a way, it is ugly but has a hidden hope, like in our gut, all conversations with anyone we know have run out, across the world, oh we don’t totally divorce living life, but all the coverings we wear –/ and words certainly wear, grammar, punctuation, length of sentences, limitation of breadth of idea/ I don’t know, there are just a whole lot of sad people we have a confusing and wide landscape inside and following this book, the 90,000 pages, living here, helps/ it’s a little thing, landscape of world can be rough, but our pretty, wide landscape inside can be pretty ... It’s our shitty pain, no answers,/ we need friends on it, oh I love friends for surface getting along and a bit deeper oh we try c’mon I’m not putting anyone down, I’m the same/ oh, life, show me tremoring blasting landscape my heart my nerves show me you stand there, anyone/ bleak beep beep oh hello! You’re here/ we know of no doctor to call on, oh no one does not even the fine doctors, do their best, for what is touchable/ this mess inside, though .. no weekly or every 2 weeks gathering throw out some .. oh call it a little oh ow “garbage pickup” nothing, you abandon all help for it but get some help for the surplasurface or as please much as any of us can hope for thank you anyone that has helped me through the years, the terrible depths staircases winding turrets old cold castles brewing in of each of us, wanting an unknown lanbangguage, doesn’t get it pop slide/ we still see the queasy but functioning oh just like us doctors, fellows, people on the fellowship planet does its best, can you tell I am not blaming anyone, we are all in the same boat, hidden depths not looked at, we can’t, no known way, as progress abandons this in all of us, / but you know, they and us know not a person thing plant barber grocer druggist sklime dealer apartnebt dark hall no one to call not a perspeprot or clean nol number on either where the .. we need to talk, all orf us, or meet fur paoers woof, sil;ent dogs, without masters, on their opwn, doing deals for p[aper thought quench my lack of kindness we lever maw, meet fur mouth the drawig word on paper my mouth don’t / these papers, crest the bluff, over the top of hill,e small ones, paper a little undert resin a pendant or any small hipe/hop this ecrety/ equally secretive but good world of this book and hufgeness a festive fester 8 ½ by 11, or sround thst size, small, or lrge, or indycstions of anything“we kniw whst we are talkg about in this” anything but the world of suffer go hiome you didn’t solve it/ talk a little/ but need more no one to ask nowhere to look unknown life where my pain is, where I live all the time/ break or stay silent bad two choices, can’t utter it provide outline ask any of as a human, feel too overloaded run-on enclosed sentence words offer hope change them I cant thery’re finished thank you eric for opening it up a little more, we are imprisoned, by impossblahmessge, by havig to seem “togravelegether” “unfkspp drag drivesbnle” “no steer fear grip in the face of turns damher’ nithig of damaging ti do and lay out, go, about the sickness sweeping the world.
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/endf’ snippet/ 10:40 pm
Nothing to do.
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So that writing over there, offline “long book” but here we are capping it off, want to make no trouble, ah poor world, but to “navel gaze” or “twiddle your thumbs” “meditate” ouch that hurts, meditation is very very hard work, the true kind, work up to doing an hour, two hours, more, when one minute is too much for most people, sit on a cushion, arrange yourself, close your eyes, be awake, alert, FOR IN THERE!! AGHHHH! Stop! Our true selves .. /so we meet, sit glumly aren’t doing ni fivking medistion, or sit “we drew [aoper s/ papers/ spell right eric our world emans it “I have no more surface” “let me show a little of what lies beyond”/ were content a war, house/ a warm house I mean, “comma” “,” is cvlose to “m”, ah tap away on true represemtstion my mess anyines mess we pretty damn u looks pretty here ir excised or givem to “grest rt” great art/ ahem don’t have anymore misspellings now okay eric? I dinlt think so ../ we veer. In a dragged rock broken curb hard thing like that/ change/ willing .. / a fire on in the hearth (oh bsck to some writing here), no, but lights on, some “scu;pture” or warmnycubntlamp? Oh?pretty” sift through decide did he mean that what was it stream?/ oh extra space nature of mind warm soup languish with me undecided spout tea pour words or walk beyond mere anyan/ anyone woman man or god of clichetoris or special orgasmic medityation what? are you trying to enrage us eric or walk through the firest words trees fallen/ see humus degrade leaves junk loa respect or giving universe chance to come here/ research lurch no heart attack? Agh be home be quiet lines we all look at drugs ancent wordhsve quiet time draw nownit really an srtust “give me as you can see by my work!” ha we hold hands ubion of divisbe “cant say anything”! / divisive/ was that word back there, “oh thank you Eric for cleaning up your forest a bit,” or no, it is fine the way it is, let’s just walk/ it gets there unfesrundycng ubn-feces-fecund rich loamy no hujman shit where arte thouwe going with vroothis I try to relax rue this ah in the forest something else, no souplnds, of soupy forge hufhway, or not hike so much, please let me relax sit here small hill, inside, with others like me we/ show me ga paper, we sit quietly and gag smile quietly urop afoo, nothing to say except crazy misspell, like this, some year ahead now/ it gets there we sit “so whst you git to say?” no one gut nithig to say in restaurants coffewshops back room at art gallery modified for public busness que upartistsd of this type meet with patience patrons quizzle question drizzle quiet rain puiss ply spit quiet moast prepared groomed say nothing no p[erformace aty just life in other words nothing can be done/ moist, oh was that a word from back there, yes/ fluent fle, in flashingflstig flashlight light words, sh float whst are thwse? /for usget it.// dint talk, sit, meet, say“dfir papers referig to it” “I can do no more train.” Well then says patron I know it is difficult but talk a little/ “But I din’t let aot out, I dint find people press me to let ot pout to mor.” we sit, there’s this invest humming in nothing slight but get pastsyspicion, or tempt me granulate you quotation plop, the person kniws hiw to do it, yiou’re sure? investment in inside, no longer the art, what a curious space we are in now/ let some more out, Eric, your hidden book/ you’ve seen some vods void eopsyo, what is that pray tell on theur investment sut with each other strange distant depth, never come across in life. “or buy my artwork” “I can’t I live and breathe for more, I’ve hopped that train, I see the light, oops/trade on, baby hints of asacallthings I can do or see you insuyde” see you there okay let’s go/ never tell you, we dinlt hste over this, like ‘gimme! I kniw you maybe scale it down meet again another 10 times frapiends bookends star uneasy unameable whatyever this is, new world haolf a new more halted losrt hsve any unknow it lose all!” it’s more glimpse enough we’ve been enough okay without it for so long, timorous we’re glad to see a little of it./ timid I sit dfasr away huddem behind bookshelf and wall and paint
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