Ah, it's alright, how's anybody supposed to know? how we feel inside, how we talk in there.

ah you know how you approach someone for the strange thing in them you don't ask them for that, /if it's a woman would sex with her give you that? or sex or blah or nevermind or not into it not with you or off in a little room roads go by, in blood, the flow, also energy highways, meridians, ah they too they all miss it there, a little campground ..

life really weird I grew up not knowing how to ask for this I don't know now, odd alien we have 60 or 80 years, not included in how we are, don't ask, don't hint "you read some book? oh good for you!" don't hint

don't bother

I am complete I grew up not knowing this I already said that but it's all I can say my unformed inside even at 53 I have hints notions but only to myself I tell no one /"don't go there! you bastard! or you bitch!" no one, know I have that, I don't know why, ah it's laissez-faire you just let it go no one's expert, no one's freaky, mentally deranged, what are you, what the fuck are you?

-

kindly show me over years this much ignored possibility for great life.  Never tried.  Never thought we could, never thought of it, so occupied I was with everything the body mind face human everything nothing go along with it I couldn't think of this even though it was with me in some weird way - be crazy, catch a glimpse of it, then form it for us will you? ah don't be too crazy be calm ah work responsibly on this, this crazy thing I don't know what the fuck it is

I'm worn out, looking for it, never looking, I just go along with things, I used to be excited as a youth, thought I was going to find it.  Now I know, or it scratches around the corner without being there goes around the corner without ever actually being there I know I was there I was never there thoughts don't register save develop for this other life we all have.  Not just here.  As humans.  And don't be silly, be smart about it, quiet, inch closer and closer, friends with it, as if it sits in a cafe, doesn't even know we're there, another world, blank, happy, no cafe, no nothing.  Blank, wisdom, unavailable, blank filled empty paper marks mark-maker dashes scribbles being all alive in that blood, unknown pencil crayons compute lay down slick kiss /energy ../ thinthought worked with as a thought lapse in no body no thought stand there wimkid brightinvisible wisealienwomanbut move my impression of thought open door to no thought but filled in with something gadillilogreater than a human body just a thought.  Gains more mystical orf arf wags tail material.  Almost there, friend.  Never a body though.  As if thoughts don't shit don't wash but are fine as long as they stand up and are trapped freed and true triumphed over our minds slotting them owning them using them arse kick can we stand aside, a true we can never find.  But we do.  And round and round syllables thrust to corner boost.  Up here.  Unlocated globe, not counting our bearings "some wibnkwis" location no languack, we worry, take it as a given, are very worried, hide it where are we?  So soap low as we think.  Bathe superior, it's so dirty.  So we do okay think wissmisspiss.  We help it, we don't bleapbleepneed.  Be our thoughts face words everything but our body caught everything in the net everything is the body, no, over instead to you us they them nothing take notes we let this through.  We're okay go along if it all yes blah can.  Survive.  No time-raking body, time-tricking, over the way lonesome go call a dove development condos hammer swear poor dove.

we all sh jusdt guve up hiddem intel;igemt beig duyesmt look like a human is just vapour thwig thwamma thoughts asigned some chemical cip stay whats your nameontemt we dionlt even kniw about

ah

-

//

so here's a little writing, from offline got back from my group.

-

-

3:35 pm

So I went to my Christian wholeness group, good to go, nice people there, oh one lady that has been to groups once or twice, she reminded the lady praying for us all, that she had left out me, oh just gently kindly, oh the lady praying was going through a lot of names, people there and not there, people away, touching on people, need a little help, it feels nice to have your name said, feels really nice.

Prayers.  Yes.  And my work here, I mean, it must seem a little strange, the words jittery misspelled not in the line the way they should be .. oh our poor broken hearts, hurting from things, yes, were done in life, some of them, but hurt .. s/ome of it .. it’s beyond us, how to say a little something, how to touch on it .. do I actually feel another being, getting its jumbled language in place, ah, a prayer being, to do with “perhaps ‘mental illness’” I see her, or have the propensity, to leave reality, or accompany it, bring something else in .. oh we are all so scared of that, we want it “to work on the story” “man, woman, earth” we want it, you know, we want it, to all be that .. sort of .. / oh we continually think “man woman earth” is everything, we were raised on it, we feel in our bodies, why include this other, as we live along the way/ it’s like a community, and we take cues from wishful thinking in movies with special effects/ so to actually go to the real thing with murmuring soft baby mental illness/ whoops! What is that? .. oh sometimes you can work it to a more tame less invasive intrusive irritating daswaswothing, what the heck is that, poetry in odd sounding things, we wink ink dink// and quite exhausting but beautiful, the human exhausted but met up with other things, exhausted pretty rejuvenated different parts some tired some more alive/ as we undergo transition/ what, you getting a sex change?/ no no/ it is just quite plain hardcore chi kung meditation, strict, put in thousands of hours, some each day/ and not quite 15 minutes, it’s a bit harder, to survive, “ah this is weird, eric, c’mon say it’s weird, eh eeh?”  “no no”/ see through to what you might encounter/ ah the feeling in your heart in your body no movie can give, no soundtrack/ see/ things that perhaps only the person in solitude can see/ if you could share, few can do that, or is there an opening, for all to do that/ ../so I see these things, and with training, see beyond matter not be soo scared to see that “nothing’s there, nithig there’ ‘just because eveybidy says there’s nithig there” ‘thry think ‘we were just creasrted out iof nithig’ ‘and so/ let it go/ why hang on to this develop this no educatiomn scripture science anything, personal little twiddlingwith ut try experiment solitude don’t tell anybody else, will it be the one weird thing we can all do we really want to do/ what’’ so yeah, heydedoody .. we all hsve our thing/ do we/ eric this goes a bit far/ oh from pain, ostracized, ah alonh the way I just decided to develop something “here” “I’ll show you!” no no, not adversarial, I’ll share, if asked nicely, ha/ it’s really a pleasant thing, in solitude, then I get some little hint “we just don’t do this in life”/ .. but to bring this other being of not-matter in and sit here, it comes calling, could say hello to a few people, sure I’d like to try/ you’re really setting yourself up here eric somebody could just punch yiou in the face/ no, just turn away, belittle you, igmore yiou, that hurts too/ better to “if this brings you health, just keep it to yourself”/ buti feel fpr people, similar incurable things/ now don’t make yrouble eric/ “niw thst’s pretty weird,. Eryc’ ‘yeah, I kniow’

-

It’s something, I work on quietly here, and if this work is “taken” thst’s a ploute way if sayig it, oh “the aothoroties” and ‘oh, as girl and her guy friends, computer whizbang friends” ah, you know, I;m sure fsce ti fsce they;d shut me duwn pretty fast “ah ertyc definitely wee duinlt want tio talk about this” “but here they read ut” to themselves they think “well he seem,s tio really belive thuis” and they find themselves wondering why they keep reading it “if it’s so kooky” / maybe that’s the reason “they like kooky” “entertaining shows” better life, merely a shower of meteorites in mind comedy, or // I try/ or evem the police, it’s a job, someone required to read it/ ah, and they switch in and out, get bored with it I guess, but they find it not too bad .. I mean I have some skill with words/ it just seems to go on and on though “90 fucking thousand pages, eric!!” then seem to be altogether breaking down the words me in th in them and so it gioes wh.  This “thing” coming here .. ah adjustinstopping duwn, come to see, dues nt introdyce itself all asround right away real eager, no, hve “a big purpose” “let’s get right to it” no it brings a little health I don’t present it to a university or anything/ I live on, ah I’m just in my life cycle feel okay than never trying oks, as it goes quite okay, feasible.

Ah, looks, glows “or turns the glow right down” is anything here we ha ha we always ha ha but do the disciplined practice every day.

“yeah eric your glow is mustard or wipe up counter where you gone, go that way turned way way down your glow”

Yeah yeah.

We all joke are good friends on this, weird things, book through time, definition of book comfort allows this.

We all joke.  I agree to, life gies by thuigs like druvng the csr, you keep away from other vehices, you keep in yiour lane, donlt emmcrh/ encroach, or that’s the sound the scratching makes/ on other people, no not scratching/ but interesting I take this as time of day something we would never say to a you’re a bother, eric, bother another person “with crazy shit” crazy shift, life-giving ../ no as time of day, ever/ it would be nice, no horrible. Dusastrpous, to even touxch a bit/ wait, am I talking about life here/ huma ha.  oh we do our best, c’mon like as if I’ll ever say this to you as a regular person/ I know how life works, daylight, rooms/ people.

But if this brings me and you health, possibly? Ah touches radar esp heehee hoo well you kniw, big thrill, another being, coming through dimension walls, from wjere “thibngs are supposed to be madenothing made of nothing and we don’t care” sh duesmt evertbdy dio this?  I guess I;m a bit disconnected.

I guess so.

-

Disconnected a lively liofe.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 4:20 pm

-

4:50 pm

Actually more comfortable talking as another being, once you wear it in, do proper sombre initiation through meditation, hard work, have your colours stripes

These kinds of inner things

Actually want to talk as the odd thing has no connection to the outside world

Odd in there no you can’t introduce that to me you are finished prepared developed as the outside human, you cannot possibly introduce this to me

Don’t try

Or yes, over years, take it slowly

What delicate touch do you have all along the way

You make it

-

As us for the world this utterly needed thing we are so sad without it

Looking at each other

I detect this in you I detest this in you what are you guts devil foreign blood heart operation what are you what are you really in there, no, I have enough with this world, no, don’t tell me

Yes, tell me

Develop bridges into this body unseen guts unseen intelligent words or words unbolted looked at by whatever’s in there

-

/endf’ snippet/ 4:55 pm

we kindly oh move around tap toe shift in seat sit forward sit back, what to say, you know gather thoughts have guts just spray it out ah elephants cheetahs rhinoceros people students class shape belly head hair people just people we are

so these two drawings, ah I'm tired here, 1:20 a.m. in the morning here, did 3 entries in the blog today, but keep it up, good work ..  Talk, express, these hidden things, odd position, to be polite, giving, keep it up, for all of us, sad inside, we have levels, we talk regularly, but oh we all have so much else.  No access.  No excess.  No little bit.  Starved.  We try to not get cranky at each other, for this.  "Get cranky for what?" we don't know.  "Leave me alone." we don't know  "say in regular words."  We don't know.

-

so here's a little writing from offline earlier, goes with drawings I guess, be good sometimes, and express, if you can.

-

-

11:40 pm

So I did a 1+1, it took me 1 hour 10 minutes.  Oh good to visit, the eotu loves us or knows 10 billion split off from him, little humans trying to love, trying to be something, accomplish, what are you, do you make it, details, overloads, try to be something, today, all run out, details, didn’t work before, didn’t really work before, oh we did okay, men and women, the story, the many variations, did a lot “towards being something” being these beings, 2 legs 2 arms, brains, citizens, destructive, keeping, kind, jerks, everything, joining together, making “something” I guess .. the eotu stares, “you made something, I guess,” come visit, if you meditate, come see, ask a piece of me to visit you, troubled human, overloaded human, job, personal life, cellphone, porn or restaurant ads, anything, they get you, “look at me, look at me” need some other type of information, meditation, that no one knows, no one can speak, come with me, so yeah, /tell the eotu what it’s like down here, introduce yin and yang, moonlight and sunlight, keep it simple, just tell him what it’s like, a piece of him, staring, kind, blank, glowing, everything, in a small space, saying nothing, doesn’t need to, /be something, through all of us, now spin with yin and  troubled human and piece of eotu, spin in a good way, lose earth, leave earth, come see, discuss the failures to be anything at all, nothing.

Come discuss.

Ah be with him, the eotu, leave separations intact, a little bit closer, know the eotu, still be humans, poor damn things, so many bad patterns, failed to really love, you did okay, can the eotu love, did it ever love, why have things revealed now, why discuss this?

So this is what I saw tonight.  Yeah.  The mechanics of it, being around the eotu, you see some things, can’t carry them too far, maybe next time.  And even getting marginally far, still bring the eotu back to earth, farther steps in meditation, come see, be the little prayer being, as blank as you, mr. eotu, she sits there and doesn’t have much to say, of details, sweeps through all human details, is asked to love, if she can, she might be able to, blank, glowing, kind.  “Can you speak now?” “No, not just yet.”

So it is.  At least she gets here a little.  I love her.

-

Coming through plastered on your face, blending in a feeling of her waste and then regain stay and gal odd oobe our missing faceless bodyless she taps on air amakes aikr float importanrt things ohsitwise beig from beyond brears smoothed iver vsguina smoothed over or masbe there a littler not siore her feeling if csre for humans/ static her/ here/ her feeling of constructionlove blernded some odd little gointo my thoughts, the feeling of somerthitg not from here andprocuring i.d. oproof, looking, is ot wise is iot capsblee extyemdimng can I ever give beginning words she smilesi smile all is gentle I am back as no worries

A rerst

rest, we can/ to just feel foemer blockage window boarded up face opened up now

-

/endf’ snippet/ 12:05 am

enough sadness to do with life, there is enough, want some more, yes we do, like diceice cream gamble treat dripping from our mouths we screech hungry zzz sleep

This drawing says "I don't know how to talk.  I don't know what's going on." /sosomewhere in the mess, sue me entertainment unclear blanket just hug me tight .. this time .. just this one time .. right weave .. right dots .. you are there light grey letters, run-out pen

all persons, run out, but still going, as we all must be

stay the course

-

//

here's some more writing pouring out my flask drunk in the park which drunk rubbie has a shiny stainless steel flask like this

lost

we pee, we wash in it no don't be gross confused safe at home just write marginally

-

//

where is I can play hockey I can smile I can be interviewed I can do something with my life

where is

as we all have trouble defining join in the story as we head back to staying distant watching not nefarious just staying distant no inclusion no complaint just like it that way watching our watching as we perform as watching bears

no command

no circus

just lonely homes

alone, with family, or alone, justify alone, be okay with it

-

//

we have additional little lives in strange quirky places, don't bug me about weird kinky not kinky don't bug me I need life

I need to know I can ask for this fucking weird stuff glorious blue sky fucking weird stuff in human life

I need to smile ioopenly in my wed weurd insde

come wir me

-

//

-

In addition to live, see po;iticuiams/ politicians/ spell me right/ cameras clicks/ lendes turn adjust/ sentences writing English world surfvce/ be/ on news wmsm in opamtsouit rich man tall poty hair nesrby try politics/ so we watch the news, they hsve little bits scrolling by underneath other bnews, so we wastch/ as if none is enough eat watch

And us wherwe are uys wipe bum est / where stairsfood sepraste times live life, ever join in quickly mumble many words, as whst, you lived a life, you asre ;ibing join in humsn / wjhat was that word back there we don’t know/ excuse mewalking stound /this flows/ I need/walkig 2 lgs 2 srms/ this news you apeesred as thst

But sdtill you stsyed bssck

All of us wondered besuders the humsn ;mdscaoe whst to say whst ti vbe

-

-

By thst was quite a mess

Whst just happened there

-

So here us som writing I dud offlibne/

-

-

7:30 pm

Oh life .. so I had intended to do a bit of exercise, after I had had something to eat, an hour after meditation had ended .. it gets quite late in the day, I mean, 4 p.m.? something like that? I don’t remember, //to eat, for the first time, in the day, ah meditation, how you pain me out, /oh, it’s not that bad – yes it is – but the energy does sustain you – and really people go for lots longer without food, and there is a treatment, in this meditation “bigu” where you go without food, live on energy, it actually starves the disease, but feeds your healthy body, but is serious, you should be under a doctor’s care, plus the chi kung master, at least the first time you do it ../ so, life .. so yes, it’s a bit early, to eat, an hour after meditating, then an hour after that, exercise, it seems too close, to having the two energies related, I mean my exercise is related to meditation, but it also needs rest, separation between the two, so I hope to do some in the next half hour/ the stretching is good for me, warm up, break a sweat, do a strength exercise, for whatever part of the body I’m working on that day, then do stretches .. it is healthy .. hard to keep up on it all though “I often feel ‘what part does this have to do with life?’ ‘no one else is doing this, should I be doing it?’ ‘is this what life is at all?’”/ah we want to believe the best about how life is going, regular life, stores, business, grocery stores, schools, hospitals, every place, we want to say ‘ah it is fine’ but there is a sadness in people, unapproachable “I mean is this world, is the approach of meditation, is it silly, who’s it for, the elite? what is going on? when we have this unreachable, foreign sadness, /no one touches – /ah you get help with it, some people get help, what do they do, deal with a 20% chunk on the surface and is that being generous describing it like that, even 20%, we simply don’t know how, to reach the depth of pain, using the surface, which we are all living.  Until you do serious hardcore meditation, and I can tell you, well, you feel pretty strange, there’s a lot of time devoted to it, you sort of have to have “a quiet life, quiet away from the pack” but at the same time, how can you tell them, because a lot of people are undergoing this type of indescribable pain “when everyone says everything is fine” it’s people from all walks of life in pain, the rich, the poor, yes, it is absolutely a requirement to have a roof over your head, to be protected, to be safe, if you can, or degrees of that ../ there is just a sadness though, like life is incomplete, we just don’t feel well, many people turn to drugs, or booze, or any addiction, sex, food, gambling, many addictions, just to “feel” /may be married may be in a relationship don’t know how to tell their significant other, they may both be doing it, don’t know how to talk about it, bring words to it .. you can’t even think of the thoughts, where they are, where they come from, distant, but it hurts like it’s right here “but it’s nothing to do with life” “or you have enough sadness to do with life” “the other is foreign” “how to break it down, how to deal with it” no one knows how, a psychiatrist gives you some pills, you want to believe, the multi-billion-dollar companies are on top of all things, smart, caring. Ohh my Gid, “they are as bd as ,e/’ “all the, are as bad as me spellsad as me? theur pills dinlt work, dinlt spell class work fir them eother teacher be, they dinlt wamt me tio fund out .. oh my Gud!” and psychologosts, supposed tio talk about it, dupposed to kniwe hiw beyond “they’ve seem the intrucscies of the humlmind” “byt again, onky humbl the humsn ones, wjeras thuis lies much in theredeeper.”

-

//

brave

So yes, much deeper, hiw do you be a part of the swesrig bultch and bastasrd gulch world as well as politics, psyc sihistry – the whole full scking thug, and excise my languge, and nith sides, and side, of hunan, and then mediste, wearher it “want ti find out wjst all this is. please wade through the garbage car garage clean go mout into filthyu world we must”

-

It is certainly nit just the world, yor heoght, your fsce, your age, this is more , is this a cartoom rrad eat chips it is ceratnly nit just thst.

No one can talk about it.

As them all, all thesewrds coming out ourtheur mouth, are them, they regret it “oh sometimes it’s okay, just leave them, no correctlive as a citiozen iof the world – sometimes itls okay to breeze by not deal with just watch” then nit.  You’d like some represmtstion, or some sctual thing, of a beg nit in the dtiry./ the story dirty story

Oh, dues thst spund could yiou get it yo come here the clean being I don’t want to hear from humans/ sad picture/ idstrange, nit fur me, but I hsve beem through the 90,000 psges of thus street phonebook, memossage and lived this cheeselife, you get sporadic bits of oh a more innocent here, as you see thus a little, in sddtuon to your “big life” “very busy perc” ayt no time do you see yourself deboting drug perjme 3, 4 hours tio medition no not t6hat! a day.

But you listen here a bit.

Catch me dprojecting beamup.  Wander “the streets” if you will “of this land.”

See inside. you

We all want an inderwater tube seesharls of us swim above

-

Get in there without meditation

-

/endf’ snippet/ 8:40 pm

but it is here

But it is here, something else meditation “aw I hate meditation,” I hear about it they’ve stopped laughing now popular journalism approaches it says it’s really hard whatever words they attempt to put it in, “stop the spinning, the crashing of the mind/” they won’t go that far, put it in those words, can hardly believe, beneath their surface, is “this!!” it’s sickening .. /and so they limp away, afraid, they limp away, back to “I don’t know, my life, I pick up my cellphone, zip through things a flick of my finger I don’t know if it’s comforting ‘my world’ I know it isn’t now .. what is in there? will I ever work on it/ will ever someone that’s been in there be able to relate to me.?”

-

So here’s some writing from today, it’s been a few days since last post, I didn’t feel comfortable including the rest .. and so it is .. I am one of those that has been in there .. and I still talk to you .. in a fashion, through corridors, through tin cans attached with string, whatever it is, people that meditate, the hardcore, they are very careful, you get far enough, you get very careful.

What you share with the world.

Sit with them

Don’t say much.

The reasons why the world is, reasons they wouldn’t understand/ you have to live 10 years, 14 years of meditation, every day changes in your mind, body, what is being here, what is matter, made of matter/ .. a beginning is to try meditation, and be scared, freaked out “haven’t I already lived life?/ what is this then? an extra place no rules I recognize I walk I am amazed I am scared it hits me first onslaught of spinning and muy hatred for my inside for meditation for shit for the fucking mess I diobnt includer zip back to life “there it is m o more my scared in there is irt?” spell wrong, your inside is spelled wrong, yet your outside is spelled .. okay? I’m worroed, write in there get view extra words scenes spinning off words I always knew life was more than anybody could write in some story in life/ I want ti be in awae cinstamtly / aware constantly/ oh pennuanye potholes api.ylyptic./ can’t I just be in a blur-grey move? Blue-grey movie/ spell No.

So here is the wrutig, a little from today.

Thanks. for feeling yiur world spelled cars roads drive walk open doors push bittons for elevator spelling yiour world you hold your precarious inside in wirth jittery teeth

-

-

2:45 pm

So I did a 3+3, I found I needed that, I would have like to have stopped at a “+1” but this is responsible working at something, you know when you need more, it is just the way it is, /and abdomen did lock up at some point through it, and I did manage to get through that, and transcend my troubles into another place, wise, helpful, it is there, but this is practical work, hard work .. oh, if we could ever say any of it in life, right? just come right out with it, walk up to someone with this? and so it is .. so I did the 3+3, and that coupled with 3 hours 40 minutes magnification, I went back to bed for a while, not the best sleep last night, adjusting to the daylight savings hours, clocks ahead an hour, /so yes, I went back to bed, managed to sleep a bit, with the magnification started, helped me sleep, when I needed it, so the 3+3 and magnification added up to 6 hours 9 minutes today, a long shot .. a long session .. but a “long shot” too, all this working, I can tell you, when legs get numb during the end, are telling me “this is it, this pain is over the edge” then in meditation, you transcend matter, your body is matter, you transcend that, you enter higher planes, you think of something else, besides your screaming body, the bad pattern, you read it, you travel through it, it is possible, you can hardly believe it, some change has happened, the legs, they were on a course downhill “that was it” then it wasn’t it.

-

//

So this is life, you keep going “but as far as walking up to a person, saying this” well, c’mon, we barely are able to, or this is strong, in a hidden place, the human doesn’t actually want to hear about this, they are obsessed with their body, their age, their position on earth, they can think of nothing else .. I face that in meditation, in the part where abdomen locked up, I had to face, my body, my human persona, it did not want the help that meditation was offering!  Incredulously!  I viewed that, both as something outside the human, and the human themselves ../ a very odd predicament, you know as a human that meditation helps, now here you are kicking it out, bolting shut the doors .. and in extrapolation, the human race, not wanting help, for their sicknesses, for their troubles – incredibly, they don’t actually want help! /oh it gets as weird as this.  They want help from doctors, who play the game of the human story, we are shaped of matter, the same matter as a tree, as the ground, it is a story, yet we are obsessed with it, never once do we question well why was the human made imperfect, with troubles, for the researchers to work on it, doctors, to fix it, cure it, some things/.or make it worse, fix one thing, add 10 problems “from your brilliance” so it is – but no one asks why that is, why we’re in a story, why doctors work on things to keep them busy, to just keep the bad patterns going, the entire earth is a massive bad pattern factory, with an elusive joy, sometimes there, happiness is so hard to get .. and this relationship between humans and chi kung .. the human can break free from the story on earth, but the story fights you all the way, and then some days doesn’t, and that is the way it is, and to “not fight” “sit with each other” “the human story and the chi kung meditator” you really don’t come to an agreement where this is promoted obviously, get flyers, pamphlets, an office, an advertising campaign .. no, not at all.  This is hidden.  You know it, you begin to know it, it begins to come on over into your human life, but to people that don’t know it? that haven’t put in the years and years of work? oh some days they are okay with it and want to listen, other days they are viciously opposed, and you have to be patient, sit with them, if they’ll even allow you “in their hallowed space” “human”

To your “weirdo” and you certainly feel it, you go away

You certainly do

-

In the end it arrives as “we won’t say it” “we won’t do it”

-

But it is here

-

/endf’ snippet/ 3:15 pm

no, I don't actually talk about that

This drawing, a bit creepy, or what is a shining diamond example of virtue, gone creepy, to know about life.

To fix life.

Oh highfalutin inflated ego no not at all, be down and dirty in mental illness, crime, finished.  Die now.  Or live.  Slowly little sprout, over 40 years, as if took that long for the winter season to end.

-

-

10:55 pm

So I did another meditation, it’s good to visit, you find out more, it becomes a little less unreal, at the edge of the universe “nothing there” “nothing we can know” it becomes a little less unreal, and you know it.

So I did a 1+1, it took 1 hour 12 minutes, so this is good, to do this additional one today.  Ah as I have written about before, the meditation at night clears out the stale chi, while the one in the morning brings in fresh chi .. so yes .. in knowing “the edge of the universe” which is right here, in some ways, all the “distance is not real at all, does it care about distance, does it have distance,” so in combination with knowing it better, I can discount my pretty well standard troubled human’s life on earth, I mean “not quite think it is everything all the time” I can do that better.

And feel through to the little prayer being/ being produced, feel her, feel it is possible, feel I am living it, these are my friends, these creatures, entities, in my heart, I know it is true, and they become more and more real, they are produced.  The energy is very pretty and loving.

And I can feel it, in order to orchestrate it, talk about it, this humble little being, sitting on a coffee table, just being quiet, subdued, but bright, eager, but patient, I talk about her, give her, “point to her” “gesture to her” people can tell she is there by what I say, somehow I am schooled in this, I have grown up in this, at my age.

The missing parts, of human and everything, of the universe and everything, and beyond.

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It is very nice to be through the worst parts “of creating her” of being caught in no man’s land, between earth and wisdom, seeing this, for a long time, it is caustic, rough, unpleasant “anything other than man and woman’s view of earth and life” you have to try try try .. sit quietly, through all the rolling jabbing quiet torment dust bleak dreadful some joy of meditation.  To reach this.

It is interesting now, to feel other entities as strongly as I used to feel earth, all by itself, with nothing else.

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/endf’ snippet/ 11:10 pm

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/so that was some writing from offline, the “10:55 pm to 11:10” so yeah we breathe we heave push bookcases from in front of our death spot, a 1000 bookcases heavy rocks, scratch messages in, or encase in a little tin and solder, sell rocks, jewelry bits, grey stones, not valuable

These pages

So currently I go to two groups, at a mental wellness center, I go to a Christian group, and I go to a recovery group, and no I don’t talk about this, to this depth, I kind of have a little outlet here, and this book, or offline, 90,000 pages, over 7 or 8 years, oh a whole story, and tapped the whole way, by Janis the stripper girl I used to know, and given to Shae, the nice girl, nice mind? does she have that? oh, people, she has it, the book, these things none of us have, a section .. I can tell you, in groups, “yeah you are free” but not this free, and in life, no you are not.

For the whole world.

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Ah we have no outlet, no place to solve things at all.  Lay them out, from earth to the edge of the universe, and into it.  What man is denied, we have legend, we have photos “things there” science, religion, but we cannot go into it.

We are blocked.

So mental illness, you get a ticket to it, but suffering, and chi kung meditation, you get a ticket to it, but suffering, and the both of them, together, added up, “oh look out, whoa!” /no, just kidding, you keep suffering, ha!

And do the work.

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So yeah is there an outcome to it, at last?

No I’m fucking suffering about it today, every day is day-to-day hang on a mind like this, flowering, no, just stinking.

Ha! as it goes!

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//

Do we ever get there smiles old face grey hair but healthy inside walk around anonymous

But do you know this inside

The taboo

Ever say it, in our ordinary life

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At least I found some outlet

We all do

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Life developed, internet, hackers, feeling,. Soul, crazy, so crazy sold

Highest bidder

Of quit you quiet itch touching face ass keeo keyhole cunt cock intercourse jammy crackers cheese lame out and about fling naked landscape monogamous bed no touch away girl you slime touching respect love personal protected “don’t go here, into my life, with someone else, with you, canker, confused personal never say anything even nearing this our entire lives schematic outlook plan move beyond physical dimension in our matter-only lives”

Is it

You could draw for love, you could draw a 1,000 pictures

11:10 pm

We all draw.  Draw and draw and draw.  Our minds draw.  Never produce anything.

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//

Ah this drawing sure my mind whizzes saws sighs builds woodworking metalworking highschool college finally dies comes back to do this.

Ha.

Oh you know me just kidding or all of us in our day act like reality goes.  Carried along waves, Wakookui beach or whatever it is, don’t swim sit in sand quicksand reality swallowing you up in holes in it.  Try to stand there.  Say hello to someone.

Try.

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//

We all go through it, our natural, ha, hardly, fucking no we all just ah, give up on it, give something roughly analogous to something we are deep down in, staircase in quicksand, gentle staircase.

Like an architectural design in hell on earth, shit poo fuck you graffiti dirty piss alley home to our eyes and mind, clean up in some locked cell near the back.

Clean up.

I love you there.

Someone.  Ah mde up drawings fysdt cullciurl nt sjhpve piss lasck of piss piss on wher fasct caree n just poder icing shugar colksee ram it in rsm it in, and settle duwn, nigjht of por me no mastyr of demisebste to internrt cid mere lose ch ogf meduststuion hste yotself struggke (could you spell right any struggle face of public I can’t give you mine)  (find a way)  (here)  through and through milk dezzide to, draw omn paper, (we all ah itchy draw in the rough sketch start in our mind fucking thing pff lose most of it if I ever gave you access would you sit and whine for something better?) like above 10 dollar 10 dolla drawings 20 drwings shove them through feed like opruntig press of hands/ ah we smile or shake make milk emshake open reticent litigious pawn the garage the oiled the pavement roads to our hemisphere heart/ see borneo here tonight, see toronto, see thunder

Come on survive all through the day parse pin and night play we atm our chest of hairy books haircut style hanging with seed bead lumps any girl can write any guy can write moxie yap

Calamity clamp screw on woodworking file sculpture thought no wood shavings pouring on gloor just in middle of under the street we are displayt late

Go through it

Sleep

Sleraze

Get up reborn

Sleep is your church wooden wall plywood hurricane

Yiu hierry to shiver

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//

we is crelbcredible peppy wave storm summer to smile film overly graphic arts tears false graphic arts plenum from fsce peel off giggle protectir in motomovecross

mud wood all day long it stands

all day long bride of fortune man bran supper done my nails my pencils on paper draw feminine draw masculine draw outer space

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we all try to get through shit of move cow move standard

all across this world we mosey clinnit cimate miss word muss world void jusrt emprty we try to spell

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ugly thoughts

thanks fur mine

i grt through nstural expressed as best i can you know these lines are pretty straight here no limp no sag we're young forever nailed riveted steel of no exprssion please fuck it up a little thanks long lines of prtestors in this writing

waiting for coffee

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//

nstyral exopressed sleep rat rash decision to real get up good 

lie there fret worry does meditation come in and add

an extra face entity bleary beat up you beat ume up tonight eric yea hyeah
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//
we ragged

torn ripped denum sewn wool grafted

ah people scriss the world women men with dignity furdt stsrt odfff in shit, inside lavatory labor call me a tablet in story reading pill cancer scouts sterile rubbing alcohol hands we kiss fibres wall hanging art dexplatterity terror panfried of aloofness smugness down shown side, can't tell their best friends, what it's like inside them, no words fold it, like workers fucken tshurts you just line washed mercantile, fold, fuss core kern things font of my in never get clean, I try, see no one touches, thanks for staying, in my stain, mustang it allocates skein hanging sround esrth with giggles fly-cycling through my mind pretty things in white outfits hideous like this has been a bit do you sense my private ugly mind all of us we give terribly gratuitous free its own lonesome entity

fum clumk you drive a car past my head shooting these thoughts you get a kerchief orange red loop park it go get a coffee okay

be nosermal no nosy ah c'mon in we save words like you to kiss words here fur you here i misspell i almost kid too much sauce if even soothes you that way

come out sagacious gang durty kindness save me slow and accurate sleazy kind brace me in adaoptation from my hell we wheeze in homeless headaches sodkess bicycles drippy mordant less win mnwstterless nit from this dime phonension

many phones to the real people we called and calledin here did you hear it

Oh, I think people should just be nice to each other

This drawing above, oh is a bit about “consciousness” fancy name, basically just seeing around you, what you see, not really what you are inside, well abandon that for a while, shall we? ah, add it up, move it with what’s inside .. maybe you just move on what you see, which is kind of ill-balanced, but when do any of us during our whole lifetime get to move with what’s inside?

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And as to postings, I haven’t posted in a while, I get a bit persnickety, my name to this, what should I say?

I still keep writing offline though, there is lots of material

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This is not the type of stuff we go around saying

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//

So here is a bit of writing from offline.

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5:25 pm

Oh life, it’s an odd space to get into, I mean, talking in a different consciousness, or explaining that you lost your usual human consciousness at the age of 14 to the brain-withering and removing and stamping, what name they got for it/ oh, a few in the “mental illness quarters”

But what is it really.

Reinventing it, reinserting it, with chi kung meditation.

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/endf’ snippet/ 5:30 pm