yeah wince locusts steralize badinage like rough play conversation fuels gasp in me dot a drink, we just chat, I see otherworldly waiting lines for you, I guide you to them, prayers, poems, we fall flat, we laugh, ah we don't hate each other, lovers never met

ah you know put your best hand forward in glove impenetrable bees nest wasps anything bitee smitten you just sustenance, they may bop and slop you, keep sitting, thoughts like these sit with you friends small not worth it you need life then run out of there.

ha oops there's a heck of a lot of difficult conversations in life, isn't the pick of the litter garbage found object art each of us get better in time do we there?  point out there tell her.  tell anyone.  you pray furry we pat snuggle them, to find a great love in confusion rustle bush.  tell enemas seldom emmies new entrance long listed lineup for care enemies, what?

oh love.  anyways, here's some writing I did offline, thanks loop shoe.

we serve and prop up ghost card, we play, shift ship, push over message, list of warp ring marriage list, you said that, I said everything by this time

nothing left

-

//

(earlier tonight, fresh from exercise session)

(had to write something down)

9:05 pm

You pray for people, you hope they find a great love – hey someone you met, hey if it can’t be you pray they do find someone that treats them that well, isn’t in it for any ulterior motives, clears it all away

For love.

-

//

Yeah, I did an exercise session, not feeling well at first, very lacklustre, very no-motivation for it, it took a good hour I think, pacing forwards, backwards, swinging arms, trying to get warmed up trying to get a mood that can do it – I can tell you, the little prayer being doesn’t come along, for a long long time, on nights like this.  She knows you, sees your exhaustion, spiritual, sees it, and when you can see her too, you can begin.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 9:15 pm

-

9:55 pm

So I took my shower .. so it was quite a night, 3 hours 45 minutes spent on that, the exercise, I wrote it down, the time, in my exercise journal, but don’t look at time until the end then, just do what I have to do, the watch is upside down under some things on the counter – ah, get it done, the measly, very ordinary “I’m too old to do this, it’s time – follow the story we all have, just basic story, of earth,” /all we are is “here” many people think “it’s just us” “powerful us” “not so powerful,” for these questions of life and death, ah to reach outside of it, I can tell you, I don’t feel an ounce of the meditation as I’m starting out, no way, it is far away, it doesn’t apply .. it seems like that .. it’s just not there .. so I talk to myself, I make noises, comedy act, who knows what, work it through, the additional story that doesn’t seem to be there, that adds in to the typical story “not there” “sorry” so you work it, you feel like shit, lazy, or just disappointed, in you, your life, too many bad things have happened, too many people misunderstanding you, no way to explain, ah, give up then, it’s almost like that, a night of exercise “ah give up then”

But you keep going.  You find a way for the story to have some spark and make you feel better.

-

It’s strange, “stories,” how the chi kung energy circulates on a story, a story greater than earth .. strange to know that a little, work your story, tiredly, till you understand, your bones, blood, flesh, they understand, then they perk up, but the story first is of down feelings, sadness, lethargy, you do NOT see it as a bad pattern that you can read with the eotu like I have talked about through my writing, you are simply caught in “life,” you do not separate it out to this, see the poor struggling human, and at once be some other being following it, coming to it.

-

//

So also, the “pray for other people, that they find a great love” that sort of selfless sweetness only comes near to the end, when stretches, all-body stretches, go through them, you reach your lower body, get along there, have sat on the floor, spread legs, done the touch fingers to toe, arc over, sweep, back and forth, gently, with concern, not ripping everything apart, oh, work to more stretches, get up, and kneel on one knee on the rug, and reach behind, get shoe, foot, gently stretch thighs, /oh you begin to see, gentle love, after all this time, /that selfless beautiful thought appears, don’t fret if you haven’t found love, but pray for people you meet and know, that they have their great love.  And here I think of Shae, following this book, but you know, she is “of the world” lives “of the world” this meditation stuff may come to be of more importance to her as she reaches an older age.  People just live.  Some advances take time.  A lot of time.  But smile with wishing great love on everyone.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 10:20 pm

-

//

It just takes time, a lot of time, sitting with the story, both human, and beyond, takes a lot of time, moving with it too, see how it applies in life, through the day, farther on, past the meditation session in the morning, or crossing over into early afternoon .. bringing meditation to life is an extreme problem with everyone that does it .. you often are left drifting without it, completely without it.  There are some bad days.

When illness, mental health concerns, come roaring back.  Ah, feel shitty, the shittiest shitty, there you go, caught in it, caught somewhere, just have to stay quiet, get out of there as soon as you can, just get out of there, leave.  /Heal.  Find quiet.  Heal.  Alone.

Or with higher powers, barely there, almost completely forgotten, out of meditation.

Live your life, bad patterns, each of us has them, unavoidable, a human life, is sometimes destructive on others and the planet, and we all are sad, can’t see deep in enough to know the reasons for that .. both live life, unaware, ignorant, as we all are, but then apply “some other world to it” it appears something else wants us to be the way we are, it is not really “everyone be good and we will have a perfect planet” it’s hard to accept ragged falseness, in each of us, see mistakes, failures, /and use them in some higher equation.

Ah, to be forlorn at sad memories, sad pressures, but also move through them with something from outside this planet.

It is very hard./ all you feel mostly is destroyed./ and cannot get up/ for anything.

But at some level it smiles at that/ and helps you.

But wants you to join in, try, like tonight “the engineered difficulty” “the exercise session” it can become much more than staying fit, you can reach for these higher ideals, the little beings, artists, bustling about, or content “the stupid human, or no baby no, but the human just ragged and confused” and can you feel other currents, rise to them, walk their hallways too, as if you can be multiple levels, live a shitty life, or very unfortunate patterns, situations, but then watch it, with an actual other being, not of matter .. it’s very strange, because a story you can’t feel does nothing, this works with opening up the lower t’an t’ian, understanding energy circulation, the blessing from beyond this dimension, and “extras,” that come with hard work, /and a really pummelled, bent in half, snapped life.  Hard not to be sad, pushed into a pit, die like it seems all of earth looks the other way on you .. strange to seek help from these other beings.

Very strange.

But beautiful, private, a private beautiful.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 10:35 pm

we all just .. what to say .. life is complex, some rail, silver little rails, running around our heads and hearts, we never get on, are not developed enough .. oh how humans do their best, we all do our best

Thursday, January 9, 2014  9:55 am

Oh, life.  What do you do.  Like that little bit I published to the blog yesterday.  Ah, I didn’t include the 16 pages of handwritten notes, albeit written big, that I had in my exercise book journal, as I was exercising, working to the final bit of peace I achieved .. afterwards I scanned them in to the computer, had a brief note accompanying each page scan .. but people never get to see that … and the terrible heartache of the day at points, no one gets to see, well, there is the “arrangement”/ the “tapped computer” I never agreed with, but went along with, once found out – it seemed sort of “okay,” the people involved .. well .. looking at humanity, at how little is said, and our books and movies are kind of peculiar, “giving examples” that are not quite what we’re living, if we’re living anything at all, can find a format or structure to even discuss it .. and so life is .. even those words, have hints, reverberations, echoes, back into more of the material, if you have read it, /and so life is .. but in my life, I’ve had what – you leave a message on a common phone at a house, and one roommate retrieves the messages, conveniently leaves one out, just to play an evil little game .. so life is .. /another time in my life, a guy I thought was a friend, was telling his on-again, off-again girlfriend lies about me .. and she believed them .. and when she finally found out, she left a message on my phone “that I probably wouldn’t want to talk to her after all that had happened, but if I wanted to chat, please call” / I never did, never spoke to her again, too much had happened .. she believed him, his lies, bought into them a 100%, everything he said .. you just feel “no, that can’t be repaired” “someone that would be that off-the-mark as far as the feel of me goes” ..

And so life is.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 10:10 am

-

12:05 pm

So went to the dentist’s.  A regular appointment, oh, a cleaning, but also a filling had fallen out, the front of teeth, on the side of one of the lower incisors, do you call them? so, life, it hadn’t been bothering me .. so I’m going in next Monday to have it fixed, /but it was a new girl, the hygienist, I asked where the old girl had gone, Jane-Ann, she said “she had stepped away from dental for a while, wanted to start a family” oh! I said that was nice! ../ oh, but it’s sad, people you are used to, every year, for 5 years I think, twice a year, I mean you don’t really know them ..

And life, our losses, small, big – you just keep going.  And try to remember names, or try to get used to new people ..

And yes, what I was writing this morning, not much of this “book” gets out in public view, well I must amend that, there is that “arrangement” but we all tug back, or should, don’t let much out, don’t develop much, don’t question much .. so I’m glad I did, in my own way, but I realize it is spotty, what appears on this blog, it is not in-depth, or connected, in the best ways, do any of us, within our brains, within our souls .. do any of us?

It’s like you figure you will do it one day, in the fog, walk in, put down nameposts or something.

-

In the fog, in bleary blurry milky dusty white streaks grey a tinge of grey toilet paper strung across, or tissue, in our minds .. never go in .. we are “happy” outside of it no, not really, what do we contain, no modern inventor entering in, no one .. it is beyond us, and perhaps it is best, held safe, from our almost always barbarous intents .. make it difficult, to get there .. only a chosen few, the quiet, the hardworking, in these “nowhere tasks” ..

-

/endf’ snippet/ 12:20 pm

ah, peace to all, work little nooks and crannies of sentences expression, doodle in straight-ahead words stop no one will mind lag behind everybody else ..

-

10:10 pm

So I did an exercise session tonight, it took me quite a long time, 3 and a half hours, a little more, but it was very meditational, a glow by the time it was finished, great peace – there was physical effort, but the soul was there too, it didn’t run and hide from the grunting “muscleman” or something, no, and I knew what the soul was too, it was not just a title to something .. I knew what the eotu was, coming around the pinpoint that all light comes out of for the universe and all light goes back in – I have worked over the 14 years I have meditated, to see that – blanks, long stretches of middling stuff, to see that.

-

we all try to get off the bus at our stop and do something good - it is a place up there, like heaven hovers from birth, and you ride a bus along in a better happier place, and stop off at earth, share, but it gets difficult, things are ugly, reenergize, do your meditation, do your career, does anyone have a career in that, missing, like they close the door, and cry on earth

This drawing says "I don't want to be thrilled or interesting right now, where does the meditation fit in?"  Well, I dare say "nowhere!" oh, for all of us, we try, we hear of people doing 15 minutes here and there, and off in the mountains somewhere, someone does hours ...

Ah, we are never shocked enough, a catastrophe hit, somehow meditation is led in.

You need time, you need money, or at least some way to subsist, in a quiet place .. things have to fall together, that your heart is that beaten up, or blank, slapped, cold, wrap a blanket around it, your little heart.  Take it for walks.  Out of its blanket.

Inside the house? or outside take a little cutout piece of cardboard, coloured red, on a string, or no, you're an adult, but pretend, in your mind.  Be slow.

We all have reasons, a parent's death, both parents, different times, oh, life, relationships, love affairs, relationships, tawdry, or you thought they were fine, but they turned out to be tawdry, how the lines are rewritten, cut down, too brutal with hedgetrimmers on the words

and so we go, picking up words, mind words, swirls, chocolate caramel ice snow dirty streets get home close door, alone in thoughts, book each of us has a book stretching on repairing

so make your way, be shocked, try to rest scared, and rest scared, many nights, until it lets off.

This drawing says "there we go ... hurl me into the abyss" ah we try, sleep scared, shiver, even though thick blanket over us, and meditate, have been practicing it for 14 years now, but catastrophes peppered in along the way, they don't let up, you are no superman.

this one says "ah ... each of us want what we can't get really" .. oh, some connection, upper life, not one of money.

We all have more in us.  Hard to handle it, "from upper reaches" contact it, or read a book like this, the man contacting it.

We have sloppy, we have quick, we have talk.

At this upper reaches, with these words, scrawls, dashes, dots, of some other being.

In all of us.

ah "meditation fistfight" ha ha! all us fools, even the ones thst meditate, wondering when it has world recognition, of this other facet of each human, see it in us, like a little prayer being standing near us, invisible, but not laughed at.  Can you manipulate your words, and use your meditation life all stored up, the energy, the thoughts, the no thoughts, to bring her here, and have her be respected - when humans aren't respected anymore, too much chance for lying, falsehood, manipulation, to get sex, money, pleasure, emptiness - you're all run out - you have nothing or no one left.

ah we all try, not to be mentally ill, not to end up in that hospital in town, or 2 or 3 of them, depends on what city you live in, or no help at all, no facilities, and the world, and the help may be tainted in those places, and what is going on with the human mind, we reach, for books like this, books like us, hidden, written well, or "sloppy tired holds it together somehow" "been through the 20, 30, 35 years, more"' of scratching like a chicken in a barnyard of words, nothing to say, the farmer just kicks, or everyone wanting fast words, fast expression, get it done real quick "get to me hold me fuck me" excuse the rudeness, no one has it slow, for a million years of human existence, no one has it slow.

peer in, have anything ANYTHING to say of importance at this time.

Or quick, fuck off, watch I don't kill you!  Not literally, I just walk away, keep to myself, as many of us do.  There's nothing to say, no design, nothing humanly possible, nothing any of us can come up with, we watch the new come and go, they sell it, make their profits

there is nothing for us

not heard, not seen, like this.

and just a dirty little drawing "what's that doing in here?" remove it! ah "the chair ran over it on the floor.  Images."  Our image, as a human, can't change it, look lovingly at it, not swear and scowl, ah "2 legs 2 arms culture" when we are something else inside .. does it flex with your fingers, does it pee out your penis when you hold it, or you sit on the toilet and push a little split a little, and life do we all lick hump words disappear a being float in midair .. ah tell me of my thing I can never share with you and I just die with it.  Tell me of it.

So all this has been little touches.  I have just uploaded some pictures, wrote here on the internet.  So here's some writing from offline, on my meditation today, I started the first part, what we call "magnification" then rubbed my hands together, closed off a little, just partially, adjust to the room again, but come over here, sit down, write.

It is now 5:05 p.m. here, this was from this morning

-
//

//

Saturday, January 4, 2014  10:40 am

So, we do okay, I don’t put much on that blog on the internet these days, it just doesn’t feel right – oh, a lot of things, maybe are pertinent to the work off the blog ../ oh, the feeling, yeah, this is private, or inexpressible in public, or .. even to friends .. and it’s not really a book, what we’d want to let out in a book, the typical book, packaged, presented, no rough edges, polished “what we’ve all come to expect a book to be” entertain us, don’t quite be a human .. ah “is anywhere” “is anywhere quite the human?” You work on things, for health, I have discovered them in my life .. even this morning, starting magnification a bit, oh, it makes me chuckle, thinking about “okay, I’ve got another bad pattern here” oh, last night, I couldn’t sleep, I guess exercise too late, I didn’t finish till 10:17? Something like that? oh, sometimes it’s just all too much, woken up .. so I did go to bed at 1 a.m., just lay there/ must have been at least an hour/, ah got up, went to the bathroom, looked at the internet a bit, it was 3 a.m. in the morning/ after a while, 2:38, 3 a.m./, oh, go to bed, /then I slept, then this morning woke early, to go to the bathroom, like 7:30, but went back to bed after that, slept a bit more, till 10 a.m. maybe? But that’s still only 7 hours, so not feeling that good, then chuckle a bit “okay, now this is an ideal bad pattern, value it!” I mean, how hilarious! That somehow I have discovered a way to work “that it’s all just too terrible for me!” I mean, at my age, I don’t have a career “well-established” “presentable” “can talk about it at parties” oh, my resume would be a mess, a big blank space, I’ll have to draw a doodle in it, ha/ not so “ha” most people in this situation, well, they just die, maybe slowly, on drink, drugs, food, sex, porn/ sad cases, “pay someone to pay attention to them” “or free porn on the internet, have no money, they love me there” – sure they do, buddy .. ah, I do okay, I seem to have made some strange little career “when things are bad” “deep in meditation, it makes sense.”

-

/endf’ snippet/ 10:55 am

-

11 am

This extra life to all life “life finished” then more … very bizarre.  But wonderful.

-

//

It is so terrible, things are just all over the place everything terrible every spot .. so just give up, kill yourself, fade, sink, dead loser .. or more ..

Strange daylight there, are you convincing yourself of something that’s not there, for everyone?  A lot of people adaptable to this, can see themselves in this.

Oh they could have careers, money, but things are getting sad .. very sad.  Admit to no one.

-

How do you adapt, that the eotu reads that .. oh to read about it here, wonder what it’s like, to really feel that .. develop over the years .. to really feel that.

And keep going.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 11:05 am

-

11:25 pm

And Shae was going to be the girl I talked about it to, then I became it, the little prayer being, she allowed that, to live, in her presence, without snickering .. oh Eric .. and wake up to how it is .. people get together, they have a coffee or a tea .. life is not quite as rich as these words, as this writing, rich, in depth .. people talk, they brush against edges of such huge areas as this, they just merely brush against the edges, forever.  Can you sustain keeping the garage door closed, keeping the front door closed, locked, keeping the car in good repair, talking normally at family dinners, mowing the back lawn, the front lawn too, can you sustain it all?

-

/endf’ snippet/ 11:30 am

-

//

And the world on the verge of such a breakthrough .. ah, what do you do, no way to bring it into the area we work on it, live it.

How strange, in its delicate nature, to come to an understanding, how bad patterns are made, and how they are worked on.

Nothing ever changes.

Chuckle, in meditation, at the eotu changing things, working on it.

Is it real, the delicate balance, live life, it forces its way in, dominates .. live life.

You can’t help it, it’s always there, reality, to live ..

What is this strange addition, is it really life, too?

-

/endf’ snippet/ 11:35 am

-

12:55 pm

So I did a 1+1, so that coupled with 1 hour 20 minutes magnification, equals 2 hours 30 minutes .. so a good start to the day, I feel calmer, there is a certain beauty in it, the eotu coming out from around the barriers, you feel it, staring, gently, how humans are usually blessed at birth, given energy, and a little more every so often through life .. but the eotu sends them on their way, is not there, as itself .. oh, it watches, or stays away, /how wonderful, it steps out from behind shrouds .. but careful, be respectful .. oh it visits in the meditation, will see you, “failed human” “tell me your story” it says, “tell me about this ‘earth’ ‘your sky, your trees’ tell me a sweet story, of prettiness, it can be, or add that in, help you, feel the moon, the sun, be pretty with them, not all is ugly.”  And life, feel the eotu, strange creature, from behind shrouds, gentle energy, no face, no body, not made of matter, feel it glow in a story, words scenes pictures, no a story beyond words scenes pictures,/the mind pushing those symbols to reality, no, just stay there/ be as it/ feel it just know, no explanation to its powers/ the only one, feel meditation allow you to throw open doors in mind to see it/, no details “of explanation” you should know, not yet,/if ever/ just feel it, no language, no symbols, nothing you can express/ things of matter that the eyes, touch of eyes .. allow it to live now, of “no matter” and tell you grade gradually, smooth, advance/, except we are here, deep deep in you .. feel this it there here feel it develop, feel it collide come .. to touch in how it seems warm bump the fplsm,et-medistion .. fuve-eomrnt, fuve-plnrt, / oh a bit of misspelling, thank you for/these thigs, feel it bkess with iots gazite, touch gadget no the tribked humn, and make thigs with a gadget dazook a little better, as it will come to live then, on esrth, as the little prsyer beig,. feel gher smile ‘imsginsry” ‘pictured’ firminfg into life she is extra image not, will you ever tell anyine, or ios she im,p[ossibke to tell/ perhaps you sdhoul.d nt look to tell anuone? Will this little thig ever hsve a voice? Literally see a way?

-

//

Perhaps you can just smile.  Feel calm.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 1:10 pm

/yes writing finished there back to internet here, but feel calm inside, much terror, much upset through the years, laziness, effort, gone-ness, fitfulness, extreme effort extreme try

all of it

just dying, don't fit anywhere, become so sad can't move are not really "lazy"

and so it is, denizens, exits "never found their way" weirdoes but blessed if they can hang on to see the upper reaches

and bring them, to us

they had their exit card, and suffered.

to bring it to us, at last .. a little work, a lot of work, for us to do

Be brave, meditate ... ./ .. / .your inside, great fears there, great trouble .. /go into it .. like a new year's thing .. hoping the world does it./ oh life what you gonna do no one respects you for obvious screwdupbness on the outside if you show your gut scared child whimpering raging in there draped through soup spitting/ it stings bites we whiffer gloss lit fabatuckuflous uglyup spell rightlightguilts, no showe smooth skin "perefect" arggh never tell the truth never work on othow effed up you are or lie never work on it,/ it drives you though doesn't it, get in secret slights, secret bashes .. isn't it time ..?

Ah “bravery” supposed to be punching someone in the face, or driving a car fast on a racetrack .. when bravery is the horrors inside .. each person .. what you’re run on .. stand there .. for a change.  Yeah, I want to see you on the outside, but this too.

-

What’s in there.  Calm that down.  Then bring me you.

-

So yeah, here’s a little writing, did after this morning’s meditation.

-

Monday, December 30, 2013  12:50 pm

So, I did a 1+1, and that coupled with 49 minutes magnification, equals 1 hour 59 minutes total .. oh, some problems in it, the nattering comes back “I guess it’s all a human has” people walking around, smiles on their faces sometimes, how real is it .. oh, inside, these contraptions, bodies, what are you run on, what’s in there?

Strange to go farther, see the beginning of the universe, the eotu, see what it’s really like, it’s very odd to consider “it has no big palace” when here on earth “all the rich men” “have big palaces” some don’t, but then they’re considered quite odd, like if they live in a 2-bedroom stucco house and they’re worth a billion dollars .. um .. “what’s wrong with you?” so humans, you know, go on about it .. it’s painful, to see that nattering inside, the kind of greedy angry nattering, that drives a person to get rich, but not to love .. and can sometimes drive you over the edge, hate, paranoia, I don’t know, lots of trouble boiling in there .. how do you calm it down? well, some good days you get a glimpse of some more lovely thing .. and that carries you through to the bad days .. even though the angry bitter things are like a tidal wave, this “little other” is there too .. it seems so overpowering “the human has details of thoughts, details of hatreds, details of anger” you can go on and on about it .. it really takes you over, and to mention the eotu at the edge of the universe, and it doesn’t even have a palace, well, that makes me chuckle right here, heck, it doesn’t even have a 2-bedroom stucco house, ha ha! oh, it’s hilarious and gentle, it really is a good being, not a prick like all of us.

Oh, some of us are good, a few good saintly people, but have such troubles, pummelled and thrown around by the rest ..

Ah like those fighting matches on TV, the owners of the whole fight game thing are making 100’s of millions of dollars, and the public loves it, see grown men tear each other apart, an ordered calculated “some rules” send them in there to get pounded and bloodied up – munch your popcorn at home ../ the humans love this kind of “survival of the fittest” pit people against each other to see who survives the bloodbath ..

Ah it is more of the same “civilized” no, what is inside, I face that in meditation, what runs these bodies, heads .. ah, it’s not too pretty .. it makes you kind of sad at “any attempt at civilized” it has its degree of falseness .. ah people are at odds with what’s inside .. many people use drugs and alcohol to tame it down, ah it never quite works, and you become less of a person after a while .. and so it goes .. the hell inside, paranoia, fear, hatred – all kinds of things – desperateness, pushiness, no love – so sit with that, walk straight into that – no, I’d prefer stay on the sidelines, douse it with alcohol.

No, me, I don’t do that.

I walk straight into it.

-

Day after day, do this every day, for an honest life all day.

You see the eotu, and you see the nasty human, and they mix it up, nah, the eotu sits in a small way with the blustering human, just sits with it, a friend.  And all the reasons for all the bad patterns, swelling up and bursting and covering the earth, human rage, human avarice, just out of control, why, oh it brings life, this is life, complicated and ugly, this is life, and some of us, feel the eotu read it, and live its own little life here too .. sad, respectful, comes through, is brought life .. out of control humans want a little god, they really do .. this is practical, not a story .. it really lives in a quiet modest way, no palace.  For each of us, this is possible.  Know it, chuckle, at the funny little eotu and prayer being and floating words – and carry on – a quiet inner strength.

Ah isn’t built so easily, a nervous person could explode any second, feels the eotu in a little way, it’s a little little way in meditation, and sometimes in life you don’t feel it at all.  It is just barely there, rage could be coming, explode, so tamp it down a bit, you have the eotu, you love the eotu, it keeps you from going over the top, ah, barely, walk home, ah survive, no jail sentence for killing someone or something – am I that bad? no, not really, but each of us, we have rage, and just upset in our gut – stress, and stress – and then what straw breaks the camel’s back – it is like that – so at least I have my writing here, and I have my meditation.  I have that.

I am civilized, deep in.  It is not a lie.

I douse with alcohol and drugs or whatever it is to tamp it down to lie about it, what ruins me.

Never walk straight into it and deal with it.

Like the brave people in meditation do.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 1:25 pm

what well here we are an alternate crinsness for all still happy in its own tough way

11:45 pm

Did an exercise session tonight, it took me about 2 hours 21 minutes, I did the full warmups, full joint drills, then no strength exercise tonight, and just did all-body stretches then .. very hard to get to it initially, I was feeling depressed, despondent, ah, the world, being out in the world, I feel it you know, a very teetering mess, who’s loved, who’s left to die, so I eventually got to the exercise when it became a prayer “for all those in a cell” a literal cell, in prison, also just feeling “enclosed” “no way out”

So very interesting the way that gets me going, then I am able to engage, I start seeing the little prayer being, and her speaking the floating words, which become a being in themselves, the eotu, from the edge of the universe, can then live here, have a little place .. it is interesting “because I am matter” “we are all matter” and we are often in pain and confused within that matter, it is interesting including the outside of it too, if you can reach there, “in your wall to wall pain” if you can reach there.  Strange, to find these friends, in this despair, and work it, be able to be seen “as a life happening” “they agree, they will work with it” “this is matter made, shaped, this is how it extends, goes farther” “is not just ‘no matter’ ‘nothing’ ‘no time’ ‘up, down’ ‘wide, thin’ all these things, they watch curiously, they are not actually ‘nothing’ but we are so caught in our ‘only our life matters, only our life ‘is there’” so it’s quite a challenge, to sit with depression, then decide on this, work it into this.  Quite a challenge.  Instead of just dying with it.  All of us.  So yes, the eotu, can you feel him, not of matter – from meditation, can you feel him, his quantity, over the years you have studied meditation, is he alive, if you are alive, work this process, a painful, disturbed life, work it, don’t just succumb to it, work this process.  It knows what to be, it is a god as far as a low-key god, practical, in the story, the human joining in on seeing it – the prayer being and the eotu are little artists, they do good art, as I strain, but not too much, in exercise, keep it even, “have the moment” “of their love” know when I can have confidence, in exercise, push, not injure my old body, with their love, little artists, see me working the pain, the ordinary human life, millions of us with pain, they come alive, as I see them too, if I can see them too.

And talk them.

Like I am talking them here.

It is a strange kind of energy.

Sharing this among us.

A consciousness that we don’t have right now./ that we talk these strange beings, as we exist in matter, but agree “something not of matter made us” now bring it down to earth, this way./ if you can, if you can survive talking this way, don’t panic, don’t collapse.  Know the ins and outs of having a paragraph to give in this, start with that, that’s an incredible amount, to form it, any of this./ just look, if you can catch a glimpse of the words floating in the air, let them see, say nothing, someone skilled in this consciousness, you as a watching human being, open to it, offer incredible support, to these beings just getting their bearings.

Of course, I too have to go out in the world, then this is dashed, of course, hee-hee/  I’m certainly not naïve.

As it forms.

This steady pace, then nothing,. Then forms a little again.  Then nothing lots of mpthiong, sweaty be jangled ion your berain As on it goes.

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/endf’ snippet/ 12:10 am

I am here what about you are you there

Sunday, December 22, 2013  1:25 pm

So I did a 2+2, so that coupled with 57 minutes magnification, equals 2 hours 48 minutes total, I just did the magnification, then straight-through to the sit-down, no writing this morning.  Oh, you know, by the end, feel the beauty of the little prayer being, like do my closing off sequence, then open my eyes, well, the last half of closing off is with eyes open, but when totally finished, for sitting right there, oh come out of cross-legged position, and massage legs and feet a bit, clamp hands on knees, on joints, soothe, reassure all will be okay, love yourself, be allowed, bright happy future, bright happy now .. oh when people get sick, or you just live, I mean teenagers are upset – which kids like them at school, which don’t, are they okay, do they fit in, and should they fit in? ah life, be nice, when does that leave us “people were nice to us, people were always nice to us” – were our parents nice to us, hopefully yours were, you had a good start, a nice family, oh, smiles and acceptance, no meanness .. oh, a little creeps in, kids will be kids, adults will be adults, some screaming, slapping, oops, not much, no, my dad maybe hit me once, and my mom would hit us on the bottom with a wooden spoon “oh no! not the wooden spoon!” it had a nice shape, just for hitting a little kid’s bottom just a good stinging, just once you know, shock the little kid, come out of it “you’re being a brat” but that was very rare she did that, but yeah sometimes little kids get right out of control, and that mixing spoon, the carved wooden spoon there, factory carved, you know a typical wooden spoon for baking/ oh didn’t hurt too much, just hurt a little/ my mom she was a very kind lady, maybe we took advantage of that, went right rank, out of control, oh not always, her kindness sunk in, we were polite, generally, but not all goes good all the time .. but happiness, from being loved, 90% of the time, oh most of the time, and life has its hiccups, life .. to grow up, to miss the happiness, of mom and dad and family, little kids, happy enough, no troubles really, get the flu a little, be sick, but running around, happy .. and as adults, oh, you meet your first rotten person here and there, or meet them growing up, people that don’t care, that want to hurt you .. this is life .. survival .. who punches another person in the face .. what’s your first experience with that, in the outside world? do you punch back? Ah life, until your soul is heavy, can’t be glad anymore .. where is my soul, after a while? .. so at this age, 53, and doing this meditation, it makes you want to seek your soul again, and you feel silly .. but bright .. the possibilities .. “to be allowed” “even in the privacy of your own home” “no one around” “no one of earthly means” oh, life, the little prayer being, sitting on my leg, when I stretch out from sitting cross-legged, I begin to wonder if now I can think of her, is she there, in this reality, all this stimulation “back to things made of matter” is she there “and yes I am!” she says, standing there, just tiny, today, this morning, like 8 inches high? 10 inches? Oh, maybe not even that much. Umhahaumm/ funny little thing, she talks to me, I touch her on the back, rub her, I say she can sit on my leg, rest a bit, she does, and we talk, just about her staying around while reality is here, she wants to touch me, I shake her little hand, or just put my big hand out, she places her little hand in it, I touch the top of her hand with my thumb, just gently.

And that is all, well, we talk, smile, just small words, and her, is she going to speak floating words “oh eric I don’t know, I am you, you are me, can you do that? can you feel like me? can you enter me?” and then I must get up, so I help her off my leg, make sure she is steady, and I get up.  And rub myself down like I do, once standing up, have the routine, reassure my body, it is back, be strong, and the good energy stay with me, be strong, /the dirty energy gone, the poison, rub off last bits and rub in good .. oh, and the prayer being, she is free, bright, happy, so me as an adult, I can test out feeling her by just moving a little, slight hand movements arms legs that a bight happy person would do, not me.  Ha ha.  Kind of sad.  That I can do it, as her, in the privacy of this recroom, down here, but I can’t do it out there.  In the world.

Oh, reality, who can we do this with?  Who can we work this in with?  Say it as part of conversation have no bearing points, bearings, locate ourselves, her, us, locate us, how we talk, begin, in reality, but her life is important, but we can’t do this, just can’t do this./ can’t start up a conversation, say to a person “my prayer being is here too.  Can you see her?” and you both understand and you direct the friend’s gaze to her, you both get through panic and feel happy to mention her, it is not dirty or sexy or insane, it’s just us, deep inside, our souls./  And the world so sad.  Adults so sad, without their souls.

Right there in open air see it I show you it.

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/endf’ snippet/ 2:05 pm