oh how we construct anything from inside "meet me there" we might say to a girlfriend, friend, coworker, anyone "meet me there .. though I never really offer .. we never really meet there .. do we?"
and so it is.
So here's a continuation of yesterday's writing.
- - - - la la la hedge over touch it softly inside no, no zipper offered zipper to my mind my soul is it leather black leather skin tight am I a sexy lady what gets you to read no I'm just a guy, aging, we all have difficult spaces, get from sexy to meaningful, oh so sad/ but bring it on "yes! I want to get there!"
innocent cloudy daisy bowasbeetiful musspelling sun shine through
buyrn thriough right spelling in ,r
I kniow yiou sare there
c;mon
peek out
it will be some work
-
we all love this kind of work, sit, with your spencil special pencil mund oflaloo sketch scrawl "right spellings' let me encourage you .. ease .. make it all alright no false lie I'm not a friend pledging to be there with you every minute but I am here, damn durty nothing flyaway bad hair day bad word day oh pass storm/ you hug me/ love me every inch of the way hopscotch adult legal papers/ ha! / we do alright you and me reader and saint ha reader and aint there better spelling you decide just scrawl on through here just by reading .. oof unseeabike ride on seeable tide in deeable to patrons don't see me at my ugliest oof la roof cave in head sag pastry pie
so here's the writing, from yesterday, today, the offline book, the feel of it, in my life, the last 7 or 8 years, just hopping in on it here now, know my mind, in me, as I will know in you, feel you, in heightened truth truthful as a bird fryed no escape chicken no wings fly bluebird fly for a couple of years whatever you have difficult meditation peace piece of shhwhsck it but clit love me come over each word ride walk in bare feet
-
.
"
It’s a very tough world, like putting bandages on my dad’s buttocks, a small bandage, well “large water-block” type, from the drugstore, stick-on, central pad, square shape, two of them, just little trouble areas on his rear end, no I don’t like doing it, but you do it, for his health, this is flesh, aging, not able to be mobile so much, it is the disagreeable things, ugly even, don’t want to see it, but life is life, there is not much you can do about it, except ignore it, which is what a lot of people do .. oh, the troubles, in our minds, where’s the bandage, where’s the ass, in our emotions, in our questions, no real way to look at it.
It’s a tough thing, this massive book, trying to look at our minds, our hurt, our depth, does it fool you, entertain you, make you laugh in spots, get you in on it, what you formerly were never going to get in on .. oh, it doesn’t fool you, it’s not meant to, it accomplishes what it does without lies .. oh, our inability to look at our rotting society, unable, can’t see underlying things, anything, but the surface .. we do okay .. oh, when we want more, how do you look at it, if you don’t do meditation, aren’t allowed to see, in the sense of providing the nameless a place to take up residence, as it hovers there, after reading us, you can see it, now, as a human, you can see it, and wonder at it, and continue your practice, to allow it to live here, cement it in further, it actually has a place, in a world that is totally projected, we are painted on top of atoms and electrons, and those aren’t even there .. meditation, of the hardcore medical grade, gives you the tiniest tiniest glimpse at it .. oh, to be able to assume the form of the nameless, reading the poor human, in their projected state .. oh they do their best, required to do this task, almost “excellently” make a mess, very confusing, some good parts, like those caramel ice cream things really taste good, then don’t sit so well with you – oh baby, could you see, the nameless reading you, and floating there, looking at you, can you think, can you establish an independent vision, not be so worried as a human, separate off, know what you must do? it is very hard. To be able to feel the floating words, that intelligence is contained in them, they leave the body, float there, that is very hard – you panic, it takes years, to even out, knobs and bumps and slosh and piles, crap and pain and confusion and /more meditation, more, /and some good parts, to even out, even have the presence of mind, the tiniest bit, to talk of this in the projected life, earth life, talk here .. oh my, be shy ..
Talk a little of this.
-
/ah, for me to talk to someone “away from specialized group” I get so freaked out, just everyday life, I get so freaked out, “like they couldn’t possibly be talking to me as a friend, why would they want that?” .. life .. we have our little groups, a facilitator, we sit comfortably on couches .. then afterwards, leave, don’t see good-bye, walk out alone .. life .. groups .. don’t touch me .. impossible ways, humans discuss the tiniest tiniest thing without being afraid .. /life goes on.
And this book, 80,000 pages, 90,000, take a spot, take a little spot … what is it .. does my mind go blank “these are words I don’t know” lost .. they are in the context of some larger work .. I am lost in it ..
Humans in the context of some larger work .. lost in it.
See it in this book, this small book, it is comparably small. And linked.
-
Oh and I am a nasty boy too, and funny. And dumb. You like it, occasional spots of cleverness, but not many.
You like it.
-
It’s passable, feel the whole thing, underneath sentences spelled right, / lift up the rock, the plank, ritting/ whst scirrues whst is the striop there most dsrknot too smelly.
Lift up rucks, lift uop semtemnces./ miss[pelled, barely get meaning “don’t do many okay Eric?” and this massive bandage cure-all solution salve nothing .. spread it on, or hope it helps, test it, wander in, spots all through it, life connects in here, we are encouraged to talk or think of it a different way sentences we lift up, move, can’t move, can’t be lifted, never are. Life never changes. You try to do well at job, family ../ life never changes.
There’s a kind of “I must get involved” “it is not really me” but I must get involved, life, family, job, society .. things go wrong, bad feelings, people don’t talk to each other anymore, who knows what .. and the real you, not painted on atoms and electrons .. how to look at it, /oh life .. how to look at my beginning of book .. etsy, my site there .. things I have bought, comments I made on them .. oh, at one time you could see the exact item I bought, then etsy changed that .. oh they fiddled with things, made a mess/ oh life baby .. they repaired, they did their best, they were attempting to open up the whole thing, make it searchable to search engines, but stepped on people’s privacy along the way .. oh, see stuff, me, or a part of me, what I put for my introduction, some of this book, parts, other parts exclusively there .. ah, feel me .. odd circuitous route of “hidden” or “online” who am I, wandering to groups, not saying goodbye as I leave, we say thank you to the facilitator, we leave, and anyone approach anyone “after class” as it is, it is difficult .. life, friendships .. share nothing, layers peeled up .. (you have not seen thst” / seen that/ you say, or leave unspoken “we all know” this is not a part of life.
But still move in it.
-
What is this massive behind my face behind anyone’s face place you stop in from all kinds of angles, semtemnces .. plsces of entry, doors, stand here, not be so mimplussed nonplussed look around be out od place of amd feel negstively tiwstds this do you feel pos gooditively yg thasts a terrible word towards all this at all?
Strange world, no beginning, meet me at 20, at 40, meet me somewhere, talk, this other part of me.
Behind the mask.
No one goes.
Pleasant place, I have no body, I float, take walks, or floatings, all over the place.
-
/endf’ snippet/ 5:45 pm
-
So, I did a 2+2, it was very tough, at first I felt good, I felt I was a superhero, a Flame Roadier, that was her name, she could rejuvenate herself in her hotel room, through meditation, get young again, travel the world, and in her hotel room, make money appear, out of thin air, create it in order to further her travels, to find out deep depth, with people, with everyone .. so yes, okay, get the two little prayer beings to help you, Sherrie Sap, and Inquitetell Tollmer, and so it is, sure .. anyways .. that soon got blasted all to hell, my abdomen locked up quite solidly, so there – pbbtt – the rest of the meditation was to be hell, gradually develop how it feels to be a dying human, no hope, gradually see the nameless floating over there, in the room, it has read you, your hell, it knows how to be perfect, in the human world, it can be the perfect, you are definitely not, you are fucking dying, everything is wrong, can you then see this perfect energy? – it is damn fucking terrible hard, the worst fucking thing I have to sit through in my life/ be dying unable to think unable to function then see this kind perfect beneficent energy floating over there?!! What the fuck?!!!!!! But you do it, you have patience, try to push it a couple of mild times, them settle, into long-term patience. /It is quite pretty once you get there. Quite real.
-
So this is that, the bringing expectations down a notch, not quite even to make floating words to go see the nameless energy, just aware it is there, overlapping, I can feel both of them, me dying, then it making its perfect self from me, from me dying, it floats there, I can see it, I can feel as it, and then I feel better.
-
At the end, it breaks though, upon closing off, the floating upside down ice mountain in my lower abdomen shatters and I can breathe comfortably again, it breaks up, into pieces, it rumbles, all is alright again.
-
So it took me 1 hour 53 minutes tonight. So I’ll see you later.
-
/endf’ snippet/ 9:55 pm
-
So fiddled with introductions on etsy and on blogspot, oh before the meditation, wrote a bit, oh kept some of it, oh both places, tiny for etsy a bit more on blogspot, ah you know .. sometimes I feel okay with things, other times not, it can make me go into a frenzy, just writing on the internet/ and all of this/ I get nervous, plus I didn’t do my meditation at all today, not till tonight .. it really is a fulltime job, all of this. So yeah, the layers, a book, stop in, 80,000 pages in, a database, for our minds, never find them, lose them, grow up, have to fit in, become a hypocrite, or is that rude, or a sign of honour “sure I am” tired, don’t argue anymore, we all are.
What’s here. We look at. “Tired, call me a sellout grown up awful grownup sad, leering, at young flesh, all the shit, ugly old man, ugly old woman, people cross the line, cross 20, start to deteriorate, ha ha, way before then ../ look at this./ now, just be sodden chewing oatmeal cookie mush .. look at this.
Too late for you, boy/ old man? Yeah, probably./ we all have our limits, ingest what was wrong with us, what’s wrong with the world, ingest, want to see it at all, at this age, at any age. “You make it funny, Eric. Thanks, Eric.” The craziness, minds gone insane, inside, keep up upperclass look on outside, if you can.
Oh comment on each little spot in here come in at 40,312, say, or 10,111, you could do that, tell us what is there, wear in paths, easily transform, easily go over … this smoothed out a bit, do we call it cured, our inside? Yeah a little. Wear in footpaths wordpaths know where to go not be scared anymore go over easily go in easily inside, and make little general possible artworks words cruddy casting resin paper, and you, how are you doing, human, at this I mean, how will you sell yourself, how valuable are you?
All of us./ growing at this, odd unknowing “don’t know what the hell this is” but we do./ take a chance, jump, chance of life, could be killed, or like an acrobatic squirrel, fearless, damn you, leap high branches. High words./ we try efforstlesasly take life rushig lifechanging furces stketics soul atletics cinstsntky with this “We want ti try!”
-
/endf’ snippet/ 12:20 am
-
Thursday, January 10, 2013 10:05 am
Ah, shingles, falling off roof, our heads, our desires, rain, wearing down, melting snow, something, “feel me!” we can’t express an oat of it. Oh make it funny eric have tender succinct smart parts, borne from much pain and much patience ..
Lead us through, what we won’t look at, ever, the strange weird reasons for addiction and sloth, “even though we’re doing things” but on what ?
Never reach this.
Carry on. /reasons and we join in strange meditation mental unease, frailty .. be strong eric and we will be strong for you too! Lead us let us join you at the front buffeting winds acceleration lead us. Some parts. Other parts sit. We can only take so much. Of this crap we will never face, you have to leave your body, be another being, and we can’t do that, don’t you know chump. All angles, baby. Combine. Make it work. Singles marrieds young old cheese slices meat sandwiches veggie carnivore or the unique food for the other being, floating. Let us have fun, make this mostly a “movie” eric, mostly a “book” ..
-
/endf’ snippet/ 10:15 am
-
Oh, we join in on this book here, or have some parts, does it interest us, knowing that 80,000 pages came before it, or our insides, or the original premise “just get something down on paper, sort it out” and how it has evolved .. oh, life, stop in, is it worth it, any spot, when will the beginning be released, when will each part be released, modest, intense, nothing .. a bit funny, a bit off, our impossible inside “leave it alone” “let’s just drift on” I know you want to look at it, I do too .. / people say that, don’t mean it, do mean it, feel an unexplainable reluctance, not deal with this, now that we’re here – make it funny eric or adjust to us, we haven’t done the meditation, in general, ..we are afraid, we haven’t broken through, please, treat us as readers, please, not compatriots, actually living this, oh a little .. please just be gentle .. we know art will “help” us, c’mon, we seclude in it, fantasize in it .. /did you do your meditation this morning eric? “oh I’ve done about 30 minutes magnification .. I went upstairs after about 12 minutes, talked to my dad, his day program is today but he wasn’t feeling all that well, and is worried about flu, his PSW personal support worker, Paul, recommended he stay home “flu is everywhere” “every facility he’s visited” “there’s breakouts” so my dad figured he’d stay home, people die from the flu, he’s had the shot, but it’s a different strain going around, not in the shot .. oh life .. our lives .. to work on this “big thing” “you show us eric with the meditation, even though we don’t generally do it, /don’t treat us like fools, we are doing our best, we run the world, roads streets water sewage .. life .. libraries offices governments, we run all this, we are alive .. I know you say “we are projected” “on top of atoms and electrons” oh eric we read, in “fantasy” we don’t know what to do, ever absorb this as real .. ever .. we live, in jobs, in sickness, in unemployment, in just simply “being alive, this is so different eric we don’t understand .. we flow along with it – remember we’re here, as we are.
-
We may be aged, may be retired, we may be young, just 15, it is a whole bunch of people, wondering, do they develop at their inside, do they regret never developing at their inside .. how do you, what do you say? – each day needs handling .. each day needs han.dlk..ing .. cvsrefully, oir just rush intio thigs, or hasve ti do them .. like drive your car, have the mechanics, have the eyesight, oh you are amazing human, your machines and you .. and your sadness ..
So is there a superhero, Flame Roadier .. oh c’mon .. she circles the world, exotic places, back home, everywhere, to live depth “oh c’mon don’t bore us” ah, is she sexy, nice body, does she stroke herself in the shower? There you go eric there’s our superhero .. oh, it all blasts away, a true meditation, just isn’t going to work, on “Flame Roadier makes money appear, just creates it, knows how to do matter, physical existence ‘can make anything, wait, is lazy and fat’” wait, sleek and muscular, or toned, a six-pack, sexy woman, sexy warrior, oh yeah .. no, like last night’s meditation, no .. c’mon .. it just fades and is pretty painful, as it fades, like as if to say “you idiot, Eric” or standard person meditating “forget your worries, forget your illness, forget your environment, forget yourself” ah .. easier said than done, the proper tenets of meditation, seeking depth, true depth .. a “true superhero” ah, she may sit in a hotel room .. who to find for “depth” really, this isn’t a TV show, the situation of the week, wander into town, drifter .. life, what we live, apart from “art, lowbrow, highbrow, TV, art galleries, ah, assortments” be busy, but on this “depth” thing, no, I write here in this basement, the recroom, over there to the right is my little meditation spot/ do my best ..
Life, oh my .. here we go .. no we don’t .. and m.t.’s, material things, prompts, little handheld sewn barbs rips repaired casting resin words printed with laser printing, last, submerged in resin or coated and numbered and as you “drift into town” “as the superhero” you seek depth, sell yourself, as able to “float words” “be a different being” ah yeah eric you expected this to be “real”? c’mon guy.
-
Life is like that, are you curious, do you want to know more, what is the history, of these “m.t.’s” and the superhero “Flame Roadier” or anybody, the prayer beings, little Zen prayer beings, shaved heads, grey skin, are they aliens, oh, not really, well a little, androgynous, mostly girl features, small, 3 feet high? bigger? skinny, waifs, thin, not that strong looking, do they eat, what is their purpose .. ah, crazy, a good art book, really good art book, eric.
In life you can’t do this, we just are ordinary people, sure you have a chance to make a million dollars like anybody, but “depth,” c’mon, we are a bit shy, shaky, ever establish depth off-camera off-book, like in here we get the sense it goes off-book too lives there too and there’s not much happening there, on life goes./ you have a job, it may be to you eric to build this fantasy for people, and wow, you work at it, but in your life “I can tell you, people, I have the same exact trouble, of finding depth, discussing depth, it almost makes me vomit just saying it, I want to do it, but you get in life, it just passes you by, like all the streets, here in Ottawa right now, it’s snowy, oh, it’s actually going through a warm spell right now, temperature up to 4 degrees? Celsius? was yesterday? again today it’s warming up? but yeah .. is there anyone out there, I call for depth .. no, I should quit saying it, it makes me hurt .. we do have a reluctance, and maybe art protects us, from ever living depth, ever having a crossover.
-
It’s not something we want to notice much, we assume “we’re already living depth” “we have thoughts about it, some people feel those thoughts” but they don’t.
Here, yeah, a little. We continue with the fantasy. Sure, someone reading this, could come up to me, say to me “want to talk some depth?” but it’s not like that, it’s nutty that way, in fact I can’t think of a way it’s not nutty, embarrassing, too forward, just insane .. give me a little art, that’s all I want, and I seclude. But yeah, it almost happened, with Shae, the girl from the park, the good girl, and Janis, the dancer girl, woman, from a strip club, years ago, met her, I haven’t been to a strip club, even a bar, in years and years, 20 years? maybe? I live pretty clean now .. oh, have the occasional binge, on maple cookies or something .. oh, life, it’s pretty quiet, I live here, take care of my dad, he has Alzheimer’s, and Parkinson’s, gives you the shakes you know, so if you ever talk to him, please have consideration, he knows very little about this, he knows I meditate, knows I write, but he’s just a gentle old soul, forgets a little, tries to make the best of each day, please be respectful.
And on life goes. Do we ever talk of depth? No. We don’t bring that up “Hey Charlie, want to get together and talk some deptg?” ha ha, that’s so stupid.
On life goes. We have our books for depth, like this. We “meet” here, it is all we can do, art really does protect us, from having any depth in life, we are protected, it cannot live “perfection” “perfection of sooppil sillwioffue” canlt soul say the word, it’s too clichedm, too uglky sometimes.
/oh on we go, fireflies, dips, icing zoom dive burn the icing firefly
So on life goes, I’ll fit some depth in here, this crossover, almost lives, we almost silently meet with briefcases,/ or packsacks. denizens kicked out of society or “pretending for our lunch hour” ah sell m.t.’s have scanner images ratings of how deep we are into the book “prove it” “talk to me” “in character”/ and so your lunch hour goes, play .. all of us play, retired, unemployed, employed “I implore you!” ha, let’s live some depth, before it’s too late, a game, a crossover, just don’t tell me this is real, ever/ show each other our “m.t.’s” buy sell trade talk very little “yes, I meditate/ or I consider it ha gha/, but I certainly dinttalk depoth with another humsn, I certainly dont” ah we try nit ti be mean about it, get too riled uo, c;mon.
-
So all dor noiw I should do the rest of my meditation. Have a good day, whatever you’re doing. These words are important yes I have some skill over 40 years or my whole life I’m 52 now, I’ve been writing all my life but “developed some other form” I just was really sad for a long time I couldn’t buckle down just do it like everybody else, oh, I bought the books “Write like everybody else, you schmuck” Well not quite titled that, I tried you know I really dud try./ did/ so yeah I’ve hasd my troubkes mentalk illness crime og a shirt burst bsck there pretty serious though, banks, a bank, oh thst’s long asgo in the book, I dint want io briung it up sgain, but my ststemrnts, long sgo, on mioney, on sex, no, no crime in sex, well, there was thst time in the bsr, I was drink, the ass was nesr, I was pecyulisr, 17 pr something/ hiw uglky, but clothed, and oh shit up eryc/ anywausd/ geez shoiyldnt hsve mentioned thst, but no other incidents .. anyways .. dsfe thjigk but I;m ni supegrhero “flame ruduier” I may be the prayer being? Alien? ha ha yeah I msy be that.
Come on take it easyI;ve coime to your world. This way
-
/endf’ snippet/ 11:50 am
No comments:
Post a Comment