Tuesday, 15 January 2013

go into the very weird to get help

oh our poor world with all the dancer girls in clubs and stockbrokers and pain and money and who's to blame, all the surfaces "and who wins" what is the weird stuff you feel inside, who will ever go there, we just seem to be forming for the surface foaming for the surface like birth control of anything else .. ah poor world our things inside, male female egg sperm idoffea try toy nothing playip with nothing yap yell poogpig can't make clear .. what we need hidden bad striff or kniw itsthere it hurts cant make clear only that it hurts "I canlt make cujesr" "it dryves me, takes over my life" I canlt make clear .. whst arie yoiu what am I all of us monsters frail binniesdinkt hsve thestrengthtio liveWHST IS IN THERE .. a, I feeling my uosteelset errant as a hun drivesn poor thig in there "I he beg get up hretr'scrutches te it!" (here's crutches) I can't reach it, can't smile "it will be okay" comfort it .. you are my own you my own baby or something .. of words not flesh float pieces of them like ash from some burning fire or scsrapoes scapes moonscapes planet other dimension





oh life a little picture little pitcher of milk for a vast cat gerbil pee better clean up matrons I don’t know anybody friend acquaintance live for life live fur human sasquatch amazing apparition we want inside here! breathe wastrel we can’t tell anybody secret being smooth grey skin anything reach the streets of Canada United States anywhere people of the world weep in shirt buckets shirts taken off make bowl all seeps through, gold, your tears, come to me /hug, loop it around me, drain down my back, street people of the high offycetiwer .. we can't tell anybidy .. we kive/ in muktiple plasces, niowhere

what does population do, hidden, thwarted kept down we don’t even know what/ “we give an introduction in protests and are stopped” /but we don’t even know what/ please help us get through .. “what is it, we want to get through?” we don’t even know ..

only a fight with nothing there fight to win to be heard with nothing there oh my .. we assume it is just life liberty out of poverty we assume it is that but always a little more money a lot more money no other measurement we are sad unable to grasp this, what a being is, besides this “practice” as human .. it practices but gets upset “where is the real me” but you are only practicing “but yes I feel you, you other thing” oh my “I am expected to practice as real, and fight for it, mysterious real, in there, another dimension, literally, not science fiction” I practice as human, with human foibles, viables, try to say, “I fight for me I fight for us here” but it is for you, unknown .. / what do you look like, what do you talk like, what are your feelings?

happiness, based on a creature, we are not, it defends itself or hides itself we don’t know its reasons .. we practice here, all human history, all human apparents .. we practice here .. for you .. no god .. merely us .. inside .. mystery sodt bubby curked up in protectiuvecsse cannit pst it us/ kept outsudewalls cant work with the while thing .. /seedelicaste words here misspeleed but cracked through you can see it fleeting images you cannot hang on to .. surrounds itself riounds itself, we hsve no incation itsfsfeshapoe body if it at all float little words abysmal gain croatch flight see incisnle stop be independemt in the air/ invisibke/ let linger “,istakes” flight prpulsion

So here's a continuation of writing offline (this here, I started online but copied into a word program work part after picture, but had feel of you, internet), the book, the very weird wonderful book, or hresrtfelt boo, tap tap, my hesrt scare goes thumputy thumpity in there here .. so this ia=sher wordsash thiscionyires on from last blog post (oh eric stay with us), asample of thebook, well into it, huge undertaking, drastrabase "of the word we cannot touch"

.. step in heree,m accompamy me and it here, with these "chest of my pounding heart notes" more in yoiur world, mstrtx world, surfsce of beg with occluded eyes world weenie, whst is going on? .. tiouch yiu, here, really ity wah, streets, offices, line worker life, winter snap plow, summer fidget get rings on hamsters marry you are the priest for squirrels, or however it yes goes, girls in bikinis frolic, bust sadness oh heaving we run sand is hard sprinters "have fun bail out millions with perk" "play" life is ruined well it is pretty but helped by you we are all ruining everything with happy that doesn’t last up down rollercoaster depression goiing down, all our youth pliable to question seems answered power, and alod peopole, 90 , hsve nio ansers, from all that time - we niccup - hiccupwewant, oh, something .. the humsn hss ni ledger paper squares graph, niothig .. tics, scrstches, x'nes, nithig, scribbkie, in dstraightahesd bashed words, straightfurwsrd junk metal words, inrelligemt weld grind, grasp sparks hew leather sparks whatever that is hsrd askew screw up "or jusdt toi get thedamn fumbkingtrith, out of yiou mind minum pirouette seeze sneeze velly noney no money baf cab caster wha roll painting nothing .." flow rise upo from my mastery gut woe-wev ill office mack truck roses ads ice snow then kiss me finally jumbles then mixed hey in jest jungles threads thoughts dangle ornament pendant neck I’ve snow bloskades can’t get through storm of protective barrier words only shipper new where’s the box computer record font desk divvy out meet customers “I pray talk” veil perfect hold you, hide it all.

So there's something in there I’m fairly sure the writing, some ..
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"

12:30 am
I think a lot of this stuff is pretty crazy, it’s done under a strained mind, need a good rest – what’s the sense of pumping this out, .. I need a good rest.

Oh, earlier I wrote some thing, about taking the blog back to offline, like some of it was online, took some of it from offline, added to it, now we’re going back offline, with more?  “Feel the spaces, man!”  I think someone honestly cracks after a while.  Oh, weez going do good.  Oh, justtest.  Famit.

Foing so hood/  oh, justrest. Damnit.

Ther corrected, are yo happy? I dream. Ha ha.  Oh life, whst you all git going fur yotself?  Really?  We seejk a better world.  Meditation, joined with crazyu life. Ah, meditation’s supposed to be done in the quiet, not this.

What will the world do?

Oh, we’ll find out that some other time, go to bed, Eric./ this supposedly quiet time, threats on me, from unkbiown soutces, I just feel them, you take this chance, splash outwsards with good stuff, I just feel them./ you try, you see something wrong with the world/ hell I’m not the guy for the job, try anyways.  Like it says in the bible.  The worst one for the job, you may do okay.

Crazy.

Small alone unheralded now, no one listening.  Hello.  /juxt ;ike always all oif us wou;ld liketio be st 14 canceledfrom mental illness then later do brillogrinfbakedon cheeseiant shit from chi kung meditation, stramnge mind, colloboapsed, bap bap then gut turned around up walk, came bsck from the dead.  There.

All silly stories.

Only chance.  World thrilled tiny takes the silly funeral story for real.
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Happened come back before.  This one very where are you nervous, on edge, drug-without-fueled, yes no, just my brain chemivcals, bare asssdenough.  Hello.
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/endf’ snippet/ 12:40 am
So, just an idertion here, the part, was explsinig font size, stuff, I think you dhioulsee it .. la la laferriswheels eoll like ball svril armadillo assembling savour toll collect me metal roundness science fib eltion hug the offline tryig ti take burgroiining online bascj tio here?

Hmm.

/here iot ios extra biut
January 14, 2013  done in the night .. finished at 11:20 p.m., this first part, before the “blog”

This is a blog, copy of a blog I did, just saved it this way, the font on the blog was “Arial” didn’t feel right here, and here you get back the wiggly red lines, a bit of wiggly green lines, the spelling mistakes, red, the grammar mistakes, green, but I like them, I feel comfortable with them, I leave a lot, I want it pointed out though.  I just do.  They’re no longer mistakes.  In some way.  Hard parts in life.  We weave them in.  They can be changed.  To good parts, “magically.”  Rise.  It really is kind of a meditation thing, it changes it, transmogrifies it, it takes a long long time to be able to do that, study it, retain your chi, keep studying it, /you get some of it, here in these words, or full thing, /into the population, into life.  So yeah, the parts that were written on the blog, the first part of it, each post, is 1.5 lines spacing, then the writing I did offline kicks in, that’s doublespaced, then finally, a small comment on the end, each post, done online, that stays doublespaced, like the work coming before it, I just like it that way.  At least the first post, or January 14th, going down, earlier ones before it, but yeah, um, for in here, I guess we’ll go more in order? Hmm, hard .. the logistics .. switch vibrate stay on top .. get it done .. so it’s all in “Times New Roman” font in here, except titles, bigger letters, well, yeah.  Those are left “Arial,” like in the blog.  Minutiae here, tell you this all.  But we do good, so here’s the blog, I put on the internet a taste of my work out there, some 80,000 pages into the book, database, of good, a strange good that can be achieved, not a false good, or left only at its beginnings, then trampled, swallowed, /this outdistances it, tries to “achieve,” I wanted to see too, the feel of it “on the internet” “the great swiommiomng tiuvers/rivers woop la” I could feel that hunga hunga, I’m very sensitive this lie drary liebrary hoat literary eat can spank digital foo zale a lorlot park.

So accompany it, along the way.  Offline, yeah “some people were reading it” the computer was tapped, but this is different.  I don’t know, a lot of this is just instinct, handling difling through thios pages stasck ram on flat surfsce let dall straighten out this.

So here’s the blog, in chronological order, a “bound book style” not as it appeared on the internet, backwards, newest posts firsts, then scrolling down, older posts ../ perhaps it was the erring fiurmst, a blib, I should hsve “published it ti abook, on line, but no, easch day I would update/ oh, add a little, ti stiff I would do offline, you would hasve to just press click from front page, get esch onme in “chimological order you do” it can be done, but is it worth it, and this stuff about taking it offline, copying it, the reader, to then paste it into a word program, change fonts, get spacing right, ah, get wiggly red lines back, all comedy comfy again, it’s strangely annoying satisfying true meditation what you have to live through on your cushion on your seat wherever in life looking around “home” ahen blah again best blah I had I love it here! .. / hoola but maybe it’s too much work.  So I do it for you here.  At least this part, offline, but then does this go online again, ha like some perverse out of control but great public face and inside. / we don’t go there, this ,echanmically offered “am I sasge” “isthisthereal thig”/ am I safe giuve you temtstiuvely see hiw you reach react ponder .. any of us, computers, gipasls, what happles, goals quiet fikesh we stsy himewe shake, do we? Yes.  No shsrig.

/no sharing/ only this quaint chance, hold roads computer trails, old roads bask come kick little stone avveifriendly our only chamce, bush in this .. nstiure .. oddSo here’s the blog, the top tirle/ title nature wavers internet words, then descroptiuon (what the blog is), then some entries, some posts, along with pictures (dione by me, little hsmnddonethigs, some took quite awhile, I enjoyed it .. they were done long before, had them stocked up a bit, scanned, picked nice ones, they just seemed right, others no good at all, glad I dunt publish them sat all, at least outwardly public forsaken exposure of my critch no, crunch, cereal batallion, see bowl happy motning no gemtle resdersm jholding books on kneeand msrching in hiccup sit dog is dream a has and lisping./ wheeze/ accordion bellows fire room warm love)

Enjoy.
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B;og-B;og-Bl;og

So thst;s iut fyr thst,m eryc vsck jhere, offline, onlune collection la lune loony hiwl, nesmeryxing, messy .. wee eeimple just ciontiue squeeze me in wiuth esrly tuesdasy moe more ningble nibbleings wrutig at home I guess we shtinkiled _>

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Tuesday, January 15. 2013  10:55 am
The very weird, like this book, in a good way.  The very weird, to help us.

Oh my, in bed this morning, I wasn’t feeling too good, very desolate.  I got up, came down to go to the bathroom.  After that I went up to see what my dad was doing.  He had been wandering around, or doing something.  I could hear him.  He was on the couch when I first walked by, no pants on, just his undergarment, and a hoodie on on top, his legs stretched out, sitting there.  So I went up, he was making a cup of tea, boiling water, oh my, it can be dangerous, him fiddling with that.  Poor man.  So I helped him, well, I saw what was there, oh, he had to go up to the bathroom, so his waster was just hinting at beginning to boil, I left it, so I went into the living room, glanced at the newspaper – “3 dead in murder-suicide” oh my God! Just in the Ottawa area here, Stittsville .. oh life, a mother in an apparent murder-suicide killed her two young kids, 7 and 10 I think? And then herself, /the husband discovered it, coming home.  It is so terrible.  It gives you quite a blow.  Oh, I m not sure if I have this right (when I saw the newspaper), I think I started my magnification, okay, yeah, didn’t look at the paper first time (I was up there), I was just starting the initial stance (down here, after coming down), the whirling ball, then I heard my dad shaking with the kettle, he was banging into mugs, cups on the counter, so I quickly rubbed hands together ran up “this is very dangerous dad!  Just put the kettle down, put it back down!” so he did, he had poured his tea, in the mug with the teabag, he was just having trouble putting the kettle back on its stand .. so I was riled up a bit, not good for magnification (but he was fine, everything was fine, luckily) .. oh, that’s when I looked at the paper .. oh, life, so left my dad’s tea to brew, came back down here, wondered if to start magnification again .. I did though, after a minute or two, surprisingly, there was peace (it seemed to sadly come to me and hug me), that’s when it came to me – that poor woman probably had no one to turn too, her thoughts were too weird, everything else was at the surface or near the surface “the ‘look pretty, everything is fine’ thing” no one getting weird, the intense enough weird, that helps you, when you’re considering the evil weird, heinous weird .. it’s difficult to state this, but there is an area, with all of us, a private heinous weird, we’re going to do it .. nothing will help “it’s too sweet (all your help, even with Jesus and all of it)” “it’s not weird enough.”  Help me, like with this book, the difficult twists and turns, all the details, for the deep weird, that is a deep good.

I felt that this morning.  Swaying gently with this.  The entire story.  Feeling it reverberate through my bones, my being, my spirit, everything, it was comfortable, but sad, for this woman, her children, /and many people, in exactly the same position, I realized it was so universal.  (so many people, can’t tell me, can’t tell anyone weird things in their head, can’t have a matching weird , a triumphant weird!  It is so weird!  Oh, to be able to use this, the weird stands on its own, at last, a relief, deep in there, we admit we need it, we work on it to use it.  We are not just alone.  With sweet solutions, doctor’s solutions, psychiatrist’s solutions, so sweet “you do not touch me!”  “I cannot tell you!”)  So I wrote this down on a piece of paper, in magnification. (but really we need a weird that is pretty, and kind, we can work slowly on, feel good about “yes, tell the world ‘you won’t accept my weird/ well, this is rejuvenating, ((this is sincere at a hurting level, so strong, the content so strong, hardly able to face, we need it now, when heinous weird gets so strong itself/ there is nothing with the heinous weird, private don’t-say heinous weird .. no construction, no thoughts, no words, no societal norm, nothing established, nothing made, it is all alone).)) this is ethereal, past the pretty stories we have now. (the good and bad is so normal in our sdtiries wecanlttouch hiowq weerd sock buzarrethigs really gret.)  This goes fsrther, to thetrue thig.  I need this.  We clung to so mamny pretty dstoroes, of goodand bsd, the sweet good, it just never was strong /weiurd twisted niot normal sickp bresthe yiou fuckig weurd unril I kniwe yiu asre giooid suddemnmly realize! Yes! Oh my gid asweyrd as my suvko pruvstethoughts!! enough!  The weird wasn’t there!  I;m siorry!/ now it is this entirefyuckig eryc book is so weird and sick amnd delicioius it finally diuts besude the weurd me in there, builds, sits is pretty in welrectrycal shick electrical currents deep in there/ stiory, pieces, goes past former barriers, gets in there all the way sasy in there, the pure weurd issittig there, this sits conneiving kind beside it,. I cannoit cionceiuve of it, (conniving kind, speaks the language of the unhkowabkie we7rd deep in there, my surfsce life now hss a friend, obciuous, eryc, thst goes deep in, I am scsared of him, but need him) I cannittell you!!”)  “Nothif is sytrange enough to help with my pain.  Ynspoiken enough ro help with my pain.  Weird damn you fuck dyctur you will never kniow HIW WEURD IT IS!!@ yiou liae! Yiou faje! Like iusall! IO CAN GET NO HELP! oof.  /  God os pretty wrird, Jesus os pretty weird, but it’s nit weird enough!  Help me!  /  Go inti the very weiurd ti get help.”  So thst’s whst I wring and soiak wipeite.  But yeah, with “schizipohrenia” or whst thery call “schozopohtrnia” a words, amnd an assietmrent of symptoms, they can do very little about, the doctors, with their pills moneu oof all they can do “put in afasce” “say they sre doing a lot” aresasd .. amd yeah, you go inti the very weyrd, chi kung medystion, yiour personal stiory, (this is very VERY weird) you go inti all this, thst I hsvefine, you do gert better.(fiune good no lies bethe weyurd click wires cionnections inkniown weyurd alon noi vibe no wires no route no roads, just alone ast terrubkealone in there all of us .. Connect now, click in, this whirls DNA stalks material, strings, curl around touch connect instantly Ahh!)  It is a very longrusd, the very weird road grains ofsand stuck grit iuce summer fall, to coulnter the very weird festhly pain winter death regivenation storage thst is / oh will we make it/killing you.  In all society.  /So I think I was feeling so naiceous in bed, because of this lady, her death, her little boy and little girl, their deaths .. oh my God !  (but ti say this, finally!) neighbirs woyld say, shewas the lady thast welcomed new people on thestreet, she wasso nice!  Life.  The very weird.  Inside people.  Thst we do (need much help on) not show!

We need help./ the weirdest mist heinious most literary agent-dysasgreeabke help mioderm book next book threy all go “uuck!” in this, dudthey? Diues somebody see?
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/endf’ snippet/ 11:45 am
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so eruc basck here in the blig online do you think all this has the fairly desperate feel of someone going insane with the complexity of it all?  oh we do okay sort it illinlet out.  Oh an effort.  But meditate.  Self care.  Relax.  Go for walks.  Mix it.  Don't kill yourself with it all.
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all fur niw.  bye.

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