oh life is hard give someone some money even a coffee show up at their place they're down and out take them for a coffee a time when you used to smoke give them a cigarette, talk, spend time .. what gets done .. maybe the big thing was done, spend time, care, even though you can't say much ..
not a lot gets said nervous inept just joke cover it all up
nervous inept with whole humanity/ you thought at one time you were going to get better, but after a while you just get used to it, nothing's going to change, this is how you are, no big thing is going to get done. If it does, you have this attitude. Heading it all up.
It comes from meditation, other worlds, you can live this life, and yet .. layer in another world .. but you're very humble, broken, proud, dumb, smart, waves lapping in on the shore .. you can do this./ no you can't .. Ha ha. We amble on. Take walks in park some days.
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/so all for that writing, here's some more writing I did offline a little today a little later on in yesterday, I'm afraid that's all for now, oh a big boffo gargantuan book quiet small sailing through the air not noticed, /the way I want it, health, not noticed, for the best of us. Avoid the crowds. The billboards. For the best of us./ a mysterious health, all is well with the world, hidden, unique healing process, hidden, small "not of this world" they have theirs, they go on about it, so raucous ..
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//oh by the way here, a "1+1" is just the meditation, it's a measurement, one cycle through, takes about 1 hour 8 minutes. .. the meditation is separated into blocks, you can repeat, if you feel you need more, repeat a first block, 2 times, 3 times, before you go on to the next one .. I have sat for hours at it, I come out of it at each half hour about each block my legs are stiff, I rub them a bit, hold them, clamp hands softly on them, heal them, it's good to do it, you are attuned, but then this happens, keep going, do your best, return, you know how/ this world/ that .. be good to each other shake hands clamp hands touch be at peace)
"
So, I did a 1+1, it was difficult, ah but it helps so much, oh, the day, “rages” on, oh, mixup, or some salvation, like all those crazy words I write with, oh they soothe, exactly because they are so crazy, fun, elucidating, for inside, where you really are, oh, the outside tries to “professionalize” it so much, but it really isn’t. It’s nice “some crackpot” “sees what a crackpot I am inside” ha ha! say us all, “but don’t do it too often, I have an image to uphold!” *smile*
So, yeah, did the meditation, my mind was a jumble to begin with, or soon set in, you have promise, then the jumble, sit with it, with the prayer being, if you can, don’t buy into it, all the human is doing, it could be baseball throws, it could be martial arts sweeps of the leg, it could be dancers, lean over almost backwards revolve arc the torso oh beautiful or oh crummy or oh mess get beauty back or competence smooth “what is all going on inside me though fimmbubbluck gussdof doozyamint sajh justamnit?” no one can tell me what mess, dusesase, sging,/ aging no one ti tell, can
tellSome grace .. niw, lster, nudmind, spoitrit, see little shsved hesd prayer being./ she is good, calm, tired of me, or putting up with it, fuddlgained life, through me, watches me, the bsd pstterms .. ogh, tonight, was ,aseshift, she was there, but well, you knoiw she was tired of me or just sbout criticizing no never be at peace “or you are lame, Eryc”: nah, never thst close – thanks gurl./ fortitude, patience, sit, while my mind flickers wants “superior” “human figuring it all out, suggests things, mix, make worse” come back, little prayer girl, sit with me ..
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/endf’ snippet/ 9 pm
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Oh searching for answers in look at my pretty face or ugly face I’m sorry why should you be sorry ah forget it, externals get as quickly as you can to externals never saw your internals why’d you move so quickly past them?
Unexplored, for sickness, for health. We don’t live there. Sorry, mate.
Put it off, eons and eons, unpleasant, then pleasurable, the most boring tedious pain, no reason for it, to find health that way, no reason for it./ find me in waste your time externals for health find me jacking it up making it flouncy anything to make externals better even though they have nothing to do with it. Unworked on areas, all our lives, it’s as if, it’s a backyard, it’s a fence, never seen in there. I don’t know why. No one ever mentioned it, play with my thoughts, play baseball with my thoughts, have finances with my thoughts, inside, while sitting on a cushion, live life with my thoughts, they’re quite irritated, where you been, much apologies, get nowhere with them, they’re just so bitter, ah take time it’s worth it now more worse than not talking to a child giving a child a complex, your thoughts inner being tortured it kicked it ignored it, it’s such a baby whining, place it aside, I know there is something more other than you, my thoughts, even so dramatic, see you, close my eyes, I know there is something other than you. Get to it. For peace.
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.. oh .. get to it .. we know we must live externals, live that part of life, fat stomach, 4/ ice creams on a stick, much caramel, do I have it in me to live the other life?
The inside life? Health. Austere. Ascetic. No ice cream. Awa bah wah.
Sit with it all, when it will not change, no one’s watching, no awards given, and it changes, small unheralded no trumpets playing and it changes.
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Inside no girls standing on sidelines cheering you on, no kisses step from a fast motorcycle gain a kiss, no grocery aisles full of cookies both sides chips cookies nasty aisle, none in there. Oh my how can I leave you behind oh my.
Go in there with none of it be honourable put to the test no extras no treats just health king of the pure health. Can’t, you know, can’t, permanently, develop it so much to walk out of there with still it, you are living solidly as it./ still, dead, had it, I couldn’t face them, any, creatures, what, anything you might see, I am old, begging you to let me catch up, on externals, die in externals, I wasn’t strong enough for the other./ who is, no tweaks pinches kisses intercluppto cirse verse wasrm wet none.
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We never had it clean no body no 2 arms 2 legs could concentrate only it no distractions “living as I was as a body” I excelled pity purofied developed bad spelling no vankets sores besten ststrop y heinocity killing smeasred walk up to it.
You get farther past yot whinig himhersn thoughts versing odd clam, see them fur whst they are, no talkpast them.
And live an hinrioiursbke life, here thjere in externals vap.
This is whst you must do. Grace throwwhinig throw the whinebsttling sneering fixedmatch dive jealous skip envious greedy dud I say whinig leap as if it is poeticute, leap your ugly whinig in no prize leap pure whinig, yoiiu sd, sure oire, geoss side with, sleepevem in there, until you seem invulberaBLE crash onto it, thrreal yhig.
Beg cry yiur drama inclappeElusive, time after time, elusive again, but you go fir it.
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/endf’ snippet/ 1:50 am
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Wednesday, January 9, 2013 12:50 pm
So, went to my recovery group. Earlier this morning, Paul came at 8 o’clock , I got up to answer the door, good to see him, his wife is going through a rough time, oh, I think I said, before in this book, that she’s in the hospital, she was in ICU, then sent home, then came back a day later, a blood clot on her lung, oh, she’s going to be in for a couple of weeks .. oh, he says she wants to get home, pack to go to the U.K.
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So yeah, preaching, “really believing in yourself” “and your God” ah, I’ll still do the meditation, and try to keep healthy, ah, last night, well yesterday get sugar things at grocery store, ah, some maple cookies, the ones shaped like maple leaves you know? cream in between? and some of those “lots of caramel” ice cream things/ ah, today in group we talked about addictions, or things that can get there, become addictions, we had a few laughs, like if you buy something, “a treat” it’s in the house, you think of it, it calls to you, /if it’s not in the house, then you’re safe/ ah, it’s all so crazy “bad things” “you like” ..
If it’s in the house, eat part of it, then you dream of the other part, you have to eat it, get sick, eat so much/ ah life, bad days, hangovers, sugar hangovers .. things call, you can’t just eat a half or a third wow man you call me ..
You can spend your entire life “playing that game” food in the house that’s bad for you that calls to you .. you emotionally attached, think of it, love it ..
Yeah, it is that bad. Strange people, given up on people I guess, understanding people, fuck yeah, understanding nothing, gimme food ..
Like I say this book helps “it is true” but I don’t have the stomach to preach, I listen to people, I join in on groups, but I say none of this, I just keep it to myself, wouldn’t know where to start, where they would join in on it at all.
So yeah is it dumb all this? a big waste of time? No, not at all, but some things come along every so often, aren’t worth preaching, but they’re good. Have no entry into popular society, but they’re good. If you could do them, not preach, not go crazy, yeah if you could do them ..
And I do. Don’t have the social skills to spread it like manure. Just don’t have those skills. I’m honest.
It doesn’t fit.
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You honest, you just go home. Do it on your own.
It’s like that “if they find out about it, good” but I’m not your leader.
Charismatic, spreading the manure. No.
It works.
How strange, something at the end of it all that works, and you don’t spread it.
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So much has happened, promotion, advertising, so much has happened. A sad world. I stay safe. Don’t tell you. Buried in here, a million page book, is something.
Safe./ not going to be grappled and smeared injured and killed. Little life, I found my thing that worked.
Strange “it works!” “well tell everybody!” no .. it’s esoteric, takes a long time, winds and twists, takes a long time, wears in a different way to think, the mind, has no patterns like this, no expectations, no core, like this, “these things come up” “naturally” it takes a long time, you’re not just healing the mind, returning it to health, you are actually saying “I’m bringing something here not from this planet, not at all like anything here” to heal me, help me, how you are as a person, as a being, seeing these little beings, like the prayer being, “crazy” you don’t tell anyone, like the words floating in the air, you don’t tell anyone, but when you feel well, you can feel it working. You don’t tell anyone. For it to be used, for schematics to be drawn. No, you don’t tell anyone.
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It will go, you tell anyone, it’s age-old chi kung knowledge, it will go, you share it, you’re so put down, people laugh at you hilariously “you’re such a fool, goof!” and so it goes, help the world needs, arrives mysteriously, flighty? no it’s serious, cute, dub in, split tape, sublime, helpful, just doesn’t want to be declothed clothes ripped off stand there shivering in the open/ exposed ridiculed – stay warm stray silent/ told around to a whole lot of people.
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/endf’ snippet/ 1:30 pm
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