oh angles, angles of writing, lines of little patterns, talk, you know I’m not too hard on everybody not too hard on myself life goes on, and you know springtime around this time of year, or coming, and the potholes on the road, I mean they’ve got to be fixed, the city crews do their best, go around, I think they have a hotline, residents can call in the location of a pothole, where it is on the street ../ah all I’m trying to say is “you can fret about ‘not talking’ but the reasons I’m talking about ..” ah life goes on besides it, doesn’t it, I mean you have to get food, and pay bills, no matter if your bill is a heating bill for 300 dollars, or you’re running a multi-million-dollar plant, heating costs thousands/ anyways, you get my drift, something lies off to the side, when do you ever get to it, who knows how, you grow up, you be an adult, who tackles the stuff “it ain’t even human” I know we’re here, our bodies, our arms, legs, but it ain’t even human, who can admit to it, who can touch on it, a bit, doesn’t scare me ? ah we need it gradual, even start – no one’s doing that – you know, people publish millions of books, no one’s doing it – a not human, or mentally fried, or doing okay, transition back and forth between “this” and “the other” ah, competent, kind, has a smile once in a while.
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So here’s some writing, from offline, just from this morning earlier, then into this afternoon.
Thanks.
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I do okay. I did a 1+1 sit-down, took me 1 hour 7 minutes, no magnification this morning, got to go to recovery group, fit in what I could. Abdomen a bit locked up at first, but I worked through it. This is good. Have patience. Love the poor locked up abdomen. Sit and retain a calm mind.
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Oh, I went to my recovery group. Good to go. I was quite late though, made it there at 10 to 11, when it started at 10:30. So I sat, just kind of felt a bit uncomfortable. Feeling a bit jittery. Didn’t have breakfast, just came. Soon after meditation. So at least one lady, she said after a while “maybe the people that haven’t had a chance to check in would like to check in.” Another lady had come in too, some 10 minutes after me. So that was nice of the lady, to remember us. So I did check in, said I was okay, oh I found it a bit funny, I did do my meditation this morning, but upon starting it, being worried I wouldn’t have time, when the whole purpose of it is to calm down, so I kind of laughed spontaneously at that “That’s kind of crazy!” / oh you know these groups, they’re okay, people talk a little about things, we all do our best, but there’s a feeling the world is huge, you know/ there’s a feeling of that. And we peep up, and lots of people need to peep up, but the world rolls along, things moving, no peeping up though, like we all don’t have voices, it’s not just people meeting in a recovery group. Oh, when do we have our voice, at the grocery store, person packing groceries, at the stockbrokers, person following latest figures on the computer screen .. when do we know “is it time to have a voice?”
So you know, I’m not so anxious, to get it all started, have a voice, talk to someone, I realize it’s kind of lacklustre, the topics, the subjects, hard to find a voice, you have a covering-up-voice, do in that, function in that, borrow some of the covering-up-voice to say something you really need to say, and it doesn’t quite work.
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Ah, we try, borrow a little from the covering-up-voice, be friends, say “can I just have 10%? I’ll juggle it, see if I can use it?”
But you never want to take too much away from the covering-up-voice, no.
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Life goes on. I have no one to confront about this. no one.
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My easygoing covering-up-voice is much the same as everyone else’s covering-up-voice.
I don’t make a big stink.
You know, if this book happens, it happens, my usual persona, the covering-up-voice and the 10% that tries to say something, they’re both quite surprised at this, clear, fresh, from some other place.
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/endf’ snippet/ 1:05 pm
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It’s really not so available “the other life” oh you find some, deep chi kung meditation, takes years, to get good at it, patience, that you don’t always have “then bring it back to life” tell people – like who? – they’re still where you were, before, or variations of it – so does chi kung magically bounce them forward? – you will come up with some grand new way of talking? ah no.
And so life is. Am I disappointed today? oh a little, I tried to load another entry on the blog, it wasn’t loading, about 1:30 p.m., you know? wasn’t doing anything. Just locked up.
Ah computer not the only one .. yeah people are locked up – yeah life goes on – “things get done in a way, but what is stale, what exactly do you expect to happen? where do you look for these things, disappointed in one area, don’t get too down, keep going, find other opportunities elsewhere/ that’s a hard go, the disappointment rings solid .. I think we all get disappointed “live one life on the surface” “oh it’s a good enough life, meet a nice girl, get married” but life, where’d life go, what is life, “the strangeness” “that has a lot to do with us all” “but we never do tackle” don’t hear the right voice, a writer, an artist, I dunno
You don’t hear anyone, that’s patient with you, and you with them
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/endf’ snippet/ 2 pm
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