oh we all pause look bright eyed shiny eyed drugeyed it's just bleary get to a safe place sit down nobody to tell just reorganize yourself

Oh those days damn girl it's shitty out there whether walking your little dog or walking your purse through a shopping centre weighed down by bricks throw through windows smash and grab you titter get drunk stable no booze walk straight ahead upright entertain by thoughts in stupid mind but your own private beautiful, the only thing left, nobody can fucking fuck with, ah don’t be so sure, men try, the fuckers, ah work hard secret chi kung, or some type of meditation, prayer, not necessarily the same as the author of this book, a man, but just something keep your sharp little tight ass twitchy all calm and lathered with soft crème, no not come, just nougat from chocolate bars, ha got you there we’re all so nasty and evil

But not somewhere inside private room banish the bastards cunts anyone

Just stay there.

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So back to me, the author, here’s a little more, from offline/

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6:55 pm

So I was on the internet I put another post on the blog, then I got caught in “putting an introduction” using the blog’s “word processor” has no capabilities, really irritating, no spellcheck even, and my mouse clicker doesn’t work in it, all spots, you have to reverse and go forward up down with arrows then the damn thing wants to save changes at every one and a half changes/ ah eric/ rhythms, suffer, see what this all is, life isn’t easy for anybody .. /oh I bought a lottery ticket today, I picked the numbers for once, usually I get a quick pick, it’s for this Friday’s draw I think, lotomax/ is it called, I don’t know I hardly buy a ticket, I hardly knew how to fill out the form today/ ah be good/ /but yeah, this endless search for what we really are, and this thing they call me “achooschizhtrnia shiztreenia” ah they dint really kniw “I dinty coincide with reality thst well’ but could it be ‘im frim somewjere else’ we all are un a way, the edge of the universe, or what appears to be the edge “right there” it could happen right here too, bazzxheaa/ but thngs cinjoured up out of nithuing, sh hee it’s suiftemed, there see, ti be ressns, babies are bnirn oyt iof mothers wimbs, plants are grown with water, they sprout up through the ground “we have a reasonablebased baseball shopball stiry” “find out the proce buy it thugs, thingsput in order in our books of matches struck alight brains companions bodyguartds beat-uppers what” and then at th edge if the universe – nope what yiu talking abiout, doesn’t work here.

Simp,ly put.

No.

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So to kniw whsts there.  I duinlkt kniw hiw I git on thus bent.  I really don’t.

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But I can see me going far walk down the block there you go/ but I can see Shae looking in whats thatnder ast whst I say, then a few weeks lster she tells me tio fling yuck off!  Ha ha I;m just lsughig here st thst.  oHomy mguc worn off.  My msguc wooprn off whooping crane great bord majestic no.

H kerpt iot bsck here frim neg worn off sctually cinionued/ what did yiu just say there oh repair or/ thus said thus ti her or I imsgube it is saud to her, whst wouyld I d, fund out sjhe hsdnt beem listemig fur 2 yesrs niw?  Yiu mean shae yiu don’t get this on a special website for all janias-hacked material/ you haven’t been listeningIs thast a lie? Do I trust the person sayig iot? And do I fall on my knees wail out in pasin “thst I;ve lost shae?’ ah, reminds me iof my dad, when a home worker was talking sboyt when my dsd shoud go intio a home/ the lonterm care home,, hwe was lying in his bed, he looked at the guy. He said “I dint want to lose eric!”  that was heartbreaking/Hsve someone be with you, cares about you, as the dark days go by.  I do, I did I’m still there, dad.  And about all this.  edge of the universe, being I tried to explain tio yiu too dad/ and fuether in this book/ do you receive it some way? Don’t like the swearing/, appesrs here, Shae supports the good parts some risk to it, in a way, she likes it, as a book, or unknown relationship with god hifher power other mindas regular guy eric/ I bet if I met yiou she says you’d be noring as shit/is this the wrong way, or really the onkly way6, she wouldnlt support it in life, 2 legs, 2 arms “hey eryc look at yourself, look at me, there is noithig else, bsby”  ah shae I imsgune you ti be a person thst says some of that/duesnlt say thst.  oh sjhae where are our living room sits, talk, have a bit of a silence, tipsip teas, listem to music, dinlt smoke cigsrettes, please.  Be halt the healthy no.  Disciss thus, as quite a strange offshoot “of just beig human”  “so you can really feel this little beig?’ we have talked a while met a few times.  Shae has breached the subject.  ‘yeah” I say “I say her to you.  She’s here rught now.” I wave am srm, nit forcefully just gracefully, part way, niot sure how demonstrative to be “yeah I feel her I don’t think it’s weird a woman of peace .. /but her breasts smoothed over, or not even grown, or her vagina, I mean is this perverted, to even express ths to you here, thst I feel a being of energy, I am thst semitive to it, is this wrong?  Wjst do you say. Shae, do you just want to live till your bones are old, and evertyrhg deteriorstes, and you kniw nithug sbout the spirit world, you getthat at death you think/ everybody gets old, carry out story/suspect somethg mufgt be there, you sauy to yourself “I’ll kniw when I dip in see?’ is thst all for surewe are glorious now it is, bsby?  Fur me a,d youy, through thus life, is thst all we’re ginna kniw?”  “but hiw are the bills padded eric slippers pad around house silent mornings saturday, ertc?’  ‘yeah, thst’s troubke, shae.  Gt to sell.  Guit tio sell art, writing?’  ‘Do you fund thst/ thst disagreeable trust troublesome bust van’t?”  ‘Ah, no, nt really, masybe the work is precious to me like my hide blood my skin would nit hsck off a puice, cut a funger iff, sell it fur a 1,000 then 10 yesrs lster thy sell it for 10,000, ah preserved or frodzen, I dint flym flyckig kniw, I dint say “fcking: in conversation” ‘you just dyd no I guerss” “I kniow.  /but my art, the co;loyrs orencil lines rented pay ,001 msrker pen/ h all the papers writtem opn some knot straight fkst string blah others stepped on walked over I try nt to do thst and I try nt to hsve s total piggy TVty” “but it is tittyritte” “thanks’

Oh shase the gurl I* never met, or dunlt kno ‘reality was giving me some troubke dint you see here, Shae?” “sheryc do I love you fur a life fur to kniw you 20 yesrs it’s beem 8 alresdy or something we never sat and talked, say Eric do with esch other, looked st esch other .. only in thus book.

‘and you get thst off J la teest

‘yes she steals it from you guves it tio me

“Hiw is Jasnis?

“h thsts a hsrd jb sje has shiowig herself her naked self to stramngers

“shame of what I do too writeriet of whst I do

‘but yours is yor brain your soul

“yes much worse.

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/endf’ snippet/ 7:35 pm

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Who says hello stasndsrd wooden board shaped extra pieces nailed on thinking vibrant book covers I make humsns behind the boards “Eryc’ Shae says “I am here in here this book rescghes my butte byrt my busroards the cuinvemntion of the bosrds it dues nit allow you toresch me.

Ou hsve mde it so difficult nt recognizng my fsce my boards hey it’s good enough you’ve got boards too – but boards relate a certain way, and you haven’t done that way.

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/endf’ snippet/ 7:40 pm

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On and on we go little touches a ,000 words make a tuny grsnule of gold expression

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8:05 pm

Oh we all have great mounds of flipped paper uneven stacked little corners sagging out never you pick one out read it about me really me

Never you do

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We all just stay back with rich lives, rich of a book, never published, it’s sublime, blood, it flows, veins, working, feels comfortable, pretty, handsome, whatever/ we make it through worked hard achieved back in ghost never says/, or energy, like in chi kung, it is bsksmced,/ balanced is that word pretty, whstever, levels, of the fujhesyh./ flesh and more Amd of chi kung .. it watcghes, back there – never tell me about it in life – never hinty bastardy love  havebthnat back there in me you funny freak

Ever put words your mind works well enough to put words to that impossible thingNever say/ please do, chi kung meditation, man, woman, in pain, achieve word skill, vocabulary, odd constructions, laughter, achieve it all with me, and get energy/ this way, produce prayer being, invisible though not of higher senses, do not use earth senses, can you see her now, you know what I mean, you have latent other senses, hidden, pushed under a flap, a pocket, a snap, a zipper, a flap a loop, a binder an attachment a closing come out see her run and play our child or you have one too invisible all the same, from one being, going through all our different humans

Can you let me get this energy, let me talk to you this way, you nod in ascension, not blind, on drugs, you are thinking, sailing along, little ship, on my waves of dangerous words, am I dangerous to you?

Words access strange strange being you’ll never access all your life till you die, why not know discount the human, love them but not stay there.  I am dangerous because this is not thought of, I am gentle only want this with love agreement strange creatures beyond this physical dimension, of matter, one creature, alone, but not sad, tests this, through us, a billion different faces, trying to live, go back to him, relay messages, how they’re doing, and with him, to produce through them, prayer beings, that address humans, but back to him too, yes.  Blank, happy, high, in a natural healthy state.  Can drive a car, can function, are not high on drugs.  It is bliss, harmony.

Not a false.

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But it takes years and years a million million details.

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Fancy book not high or drunk reading it, straight, sober, exercise, walk, breathe don’t smoke, have the weird here, all the weird here, our minds so weird finally healthy weird not kinky perverse oh boy have I looked for you that kind of weird – healthy live-giving not taking-away.

How does it work, a world takes away life, age, disease

How does this work

I needed the weird to fight with death, laugh at death

Now I need it for life

It is a different weird transcended all the corridors and switchbacks

It really did

I was no longer staying on earth with its weird

I was rising through the sky

In unspoken “matter need not know” “don’t tell matter”

To them you still appear as if on earth

You have gone, and found health

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It is nice, you know? it is nice to wink and get this across, no preamble know people be friends a few minutes one day more another years go by, /but do you ever get to this?  No you never get to this.

I am glad I did.

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With you people, transgression of a book’s capabilities? ah it was “published way before it was published” taken as I just sat at this keyboard computer connected to internet but I didn’t give this whole book, for years I gave none, not even a little bit to a blog, it just went out there, stolen, or our minds cannot have life during this entire life, can they?

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… …

And now, some goes to a blog, yes some goes to a blog.

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Oh life never meet me to want to become comfy surely I can talk this human to human relationship ..

Surely any of us can ..

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We want, we want to fulfill thousands of years of human destiny, books allow secret private relationships, our minds soar with key feelings unlock great bliss and orgasm in recognizing thought we’re not even a body anymore what are we this internet age, it used here to give you instant communication with me or some advance every day beyond official edited tainted by “scared”

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What do you get of me here, what part of me .. do you remember going through chi kung meditation, reading little bits, then longer bits, what on earth were you getting out of me, what creature, that we never ever see our lifelong years?

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How can it be life, poor thing .. I meditate in this house, spend long hours, and try not to masturbate to porn occasionally, it so damages the chi, very disrespectful, to the girls and to me, to the women, people, citizens of earth, want more, for these tortured lives .. I stay away, I stay alone, even masturbation, no screen, no device, no pictures, ah poor chi, poor ancient study of this way “to transcend earth’s limitations” ah where do we go, with diligence, with duty?  Hold to it, steady?  What creature is this, how do I talk, I tell you, I go to a group, it is good, just be the standard human boards hammered on nailed in to mystery, empty space.

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Ah mystical and orange juice, tea, hummus, crackers, eat health, be quiet, no stereo blaring, single house, no thumps, knocks, ah, my dad used to be here, and 11 years before that, my mom was here with him, and now I live here, quietly go about this “ace in the hole” it is hardly that, hardly saleable, a salary, royalties, sell book, information, it is enough a few people read it here now .. this is very strange work, for a world can’t come to terms with it, we can only go so far, in our churches, places of worship, science, labs, university, anywhere, we stay well back, from having it in us.

But this does not.

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Flourish.  Go far.  Little words.  The little prayer being might speak.  It might take you an hour, get me comfortable, to then speak her, then another hour, for her to then speak the floating words, /in other words no.

We find friendship through small bits on this tapped computer going out there.  And me becoming more comfortable a few more bits going out there.  By my own hand.  Publish to blog.  Have pictures, accompany.  My own drawings.  Flow in lines, mess, seeing mystery in mess, something come together.  Like we are all living in life.  But in person, I adjust to the room.  As best I can.  This is not there.  It is far away.  I still cannot believe anyone is reading this at all.

This work.

A highly developed other being, years and years, 20, 30, 40 years almost, oh, a transition, I left life, didn’t have the same consciousness anymore, and developed torturously, human that could do this, and not until age 40, finding meditation, to help out my mom, it began to come together, but not before a breakdown, I guess strained me to the limit, and this being produced while I nearly died, I kept meditating through it all

So yes in person will I ever be able to give this?  I have my doubts.  In person none of us can give thus.  We wait.  And satisfy ourselves with odd situations like this.  My skill, but my brokenness, the computer, the phone lines, internet lines, people, clever in stealing it, but wondering, sad, in their hearts too, wondering what they are doing, if I will die, under the strain, or succeed, as what? doing what? we tenuously have very few breakthroughs, for this in our heart, beings beyond matter, not taking matter as the last stop, then just die, your matter is gone, cremated or buried, and who are you, during your life, do you dare to live something else, beyond matter, like this?

We are doing it here.

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And in person, yes, a little.  I would need warming up.  Need to trust you.  And as anyone who has followed this, the brutal abuse I have been through, by “supposed friends” ah, I trust their reader selves here, no more.  Will anyone ever emerge as a trusted human self? I don’t know.  I reach in past whatever they are living on the surface.  The same people that abused me.  Reading this even here.  It reaches a different part of them, a hidden sacred part.

And in person, they have no access to that, cannot give it, indeed, alone, they have to be absolutely alone, reading this, then they get some of it, but in life, no, I cannot free it from them, at all.  And they cannot free it from me.  Certainly not.  Them.

And so life goes on, wars averted, to the pleasure of seeing their reader selves.

The great pleasure.

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And will this arrangement ever transfer to life, to the public, to the world – we read, little scraps, of parts of each of us unavailable to the other

And we feel good.

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And in life we show papers, drawings, relate, we fall silent cannot do it.

The papers our worth our art based on a much deeper self unavailable treacherous almost die for our worth on earth

A different almost-die, as if life could move on, we need money, homes, food, car, library, sex, sweet smiles, but what do we need, really need?

What is this strange being in us, that you need?

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We look for it, ancient never had a chance watched all along the way, and now with internet, ha, still has no chance, we piece something together, slap something together

It is good, for this time

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Ah we need this inner being, we hate having to have it this way, go through all the time, accidental meeting, pain, on all sides, quirky things, poetry, as if it’s sent through snail-mail, meeting, as if it’s sent through snail-mail

It is very frustrating

When you think “modern world, it should all be available”

But it isn’t

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Meditation hurts like that, you are in wonder of it, you see something far down the line in it, so you endure it, you respect it, you endure it

Ah each of our lives coming to some agreement deep in us on that, whether you have a 700 million dollar newspaper empire or not/ or whatever it is, changing holdings as times change, still you feel it, your frustration, just like a poor person

Still you feel it

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So tenuously we approach this with thus that really doesn’t excitinglyexdxist at all .. words to be worked out poor other thing approachimng earth in its state of non-matter looking at words we say that float in the air, pushing at thrm “may I join these too?”

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/endf’ snippet/ 9:25 pm