Don't kid yourself, I don't talk like this or express any of this in life either

Yeah if you’re thinking “that eric he must lead a charmed life, able to get this all off his chest” ah not quite, before you have fantasies of chopping me off at the knees, I keep my head down, just like all of you, don’t look up, or guide me through the wars all around me, ah, Canada here, Ottawa, nation’s capital, we’re supposed to be pretty well off here, but I can tell you some of the people riding by on bicycles the clothes they wear their body image what they project what you can tell about them, they’re not doing so hot, they’ll be riding that bicycle well into the wintertime, for as long as they think they can get by, not completely kill themselves.  So yeah and this drawing here “I say I love the world” but the face there doesn’t look too happy, but yeah, I get by on writing these words, qualify them, as you can see, I’m no rebel leader, foaming the masses, get their mouths foaming, salivating for destroying something, /for me, life is about staying quiet, not making my nerves go completely shot, it’s a lot of work just to stay calm, just to get through things.

So, here’s some writing, I just wrote down offline, got back from an appointment.  And pertaining to writing earlier this morning, and last night.  / ah I can get frantic all over the place desperate to splash it all down say something big/ no not really, get some of it down, as we all would hope.  World, work with it, too big for any of us to say anything about it./ Thanks./ it’s some expression, but don’t kid yourself, I don’t do this a lot, only here./ I’ve spent many years in a basement, writing, like yeah the typical troll story or something, I write for it keeps me company, as sad as that, and only recently I publish to a blog or think about getting a book published, only recently .. so I’m not “crazy” but I certainly don’t want to give the impression I’m out there “gathering friends” “shaking hands” “taking down numbers”

No, that’s not me.

This is inside us all, tender, loving.  But some troubles.  That’s for sure.  But in the end, tender, loving./ that’s what we work towards, and get there every time – ha! just kidding! You know me or if you’ve been reading along here a little bit, there’s no guarantees for any of us, you know that.  This is just life.  I offer no fast fleeting fantastical out of the question fantasy, that just wouldn’t be responsible.  At this time we need something realistic like this.  Can’t happen, we take our knocks, ain’t going to happen, don’t scream, and not have all kinds of pent-up anger, no no .. just do your meditation.  It’s a nice life, well if you can get to the meditation, not be too scared, what you see in there, other worlds – oh wait what was I talking about just there/ ha hum/a, I don’t really know what I’m talking about any of the time, I make do, different worlds in meditation, but not high and watching “Apocalypse now” on acid or something/ ah, big screen stretches, be entertained, fuckers, any of us, escape life, no this isn’t that.  I grow up, I work on this, I had an apple and some yogurt for lunch, there was no cigarettes no joint no beer I’m not hustling some girl 20 years younger than me, it’s a pretty low-key sedate life and that’s just fine with me.  I want nothing more.  And where this will go a pocketbook, little novel, you carry it with you, enjoy it.  That’s all.  And that’s a lot.  In our hearts.  Carry it with you./ when everything’s so damaged you say fuck off to everything.

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/so yeah, here’s a little writing from this morning.

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3:35 pm

You just do your best, but all this, this complete book, everything, it is most irregular, anyways I feel quite nervous right now, I had to go see the lawyer, and there’s paperwork to be done, the will went through probate, so I have to do that, go around to the banks, close out accounts / oh dad had 4 banks, small amounts of money, take care of that, the other larger the lawyer is handling it/, oh, lots of paperwork, do your best, maybe it sounds hackneyed, but yeah, do your best./ each of us, depending on your personality, shellshocked, broken ../  And this morning, my shower, I didn’t have any shave cream left, so I used some of my dad’s “Pear’s soap” an old English brand, I probably have tried it before, was allergic to it, there’s only one soap I can use, Jergens brand, anyways, so I used this soap to shave, and yeah, I had some reaction, face felt kind of flushed, hot/ so you just keep going/ / I didn’t remember I was allergic to it, didn’t think of it, you’re rushed, or on time, keep a steady pace .. and then forget these things ../ and I didn’t do the sit-down meditation this morning, I really needed it, instead I worked on that writing there, for the blog, interspersed with this, this writing in the book, ah the blog is different, has pictures, not very many, no, not photos, just drawings, oh it deals with, perhaps “Janey” and her job at a graphics place, and perhaps her interest in this meditation, ah, “if she has the time” or anyone “care about this” what does it do, sum up on life? ah c’mon, we’ve all seen people try, I can tell you, the lawyer’s offices, the room we used, a conference room there, just on the main level, they had a couple of original watercolours on one wall, you know small to medium ones, 2 feet square maybe/ I don’t know, but no, no lady wrote across it “cunt! this is my cunt! eat it now, you pig!” yeah, no, lawyer’s offices, anybody’s offices, say nothing, take care of business, even in my own home would I want a painting like that up? ah, it would be most uncomfortable, I’m very quiet, you know, subdued, all this, it is definitely “art” ah I wouldn’t stand up in front of a crowd and say any of this, I would politely deflect it “yes, I know I wrote that, but/ oh // c’mon, we all have hidden expression, I certainly don’t say it all in life, it’s kind of an equalizing force between us, you read and wonder if I say any of it, not just the rude parts, but the floating word parts too// ah, I can tell you, not very often, and will I have more opportunities once the book is published? oh I can tell you I would say none of this would ever happen, I’m not deluded, and think “wow the world is just waiting for me with all this” /like with the lawyer I don’t say “hey I could do some real pushy art for your walls, really rude and threatening and fun!” umm, yeah, no I am very down-key downplayed I say nothing c’mon I say very little I talk about it’s a big adjustment, all this, my dad’s death, it’s up to me to try to stay on an even keel.

Yeah expression is important but c’mon eh there’s a reason why there’s stadiums for rock stars or local bars for smaller bands, “say what you want” “well, even there ..” say what we want, yeah, I get a little chance here, but don’t fool yourself, I say none of this on the street, I don’t scream it out, twirl around, I fall in line just like all the rest of you, my clothes are sedate, I have no bright colours, like I wore my Clarks brown suede shoes there, the “desert trek”? are they, but very low-key, hardly noticeable anything “different” you just fit in, and all this is kind of ridiculous I don’t know what I’m setting myself up for, but I would not lie, if I was at a small book reading to 10 or 12 people, I’m certainly not going to tell them I blast this out regularly, I would tell them, I don’t have a lot of company all the time, and I don’t really work on “saying all of this” “really push it in the world’s social society” no, I’m not lying about that, not misrepresenting myself, I simply don’t do any of this, /it’s not quite a complete fantasy, but it’s a “measured fantasy”/ would you say, I’m fully aware none of us do this, and never will, but maybe, just maybe – ah, it trickles down, a little of it gets done, it influences a bit of art, hangs on the walls, hangs on the same walls as usual.

Why should I lie/  this is going nowhere.  It might sell well, but I doubt even that.  It’s interesting, that’s fine, if you want to comment on my book that way “it’s very interesting, eric” I won’t lambast you, push you for more colourful language, no I won’t, I’m not out to hurt people, put them on the spot.

Life goes on.

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This really isn’t the big cheese a movie script written and fill in all the special effects with computer generated fake things.  Sorry, no, we’re just here, and this is just blah, it’s not happening.

Welcome to the world, the world as it has always been.  You already know that.  Hello.

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We do our best .. and I do take flights of fancy in here, but it’s more for effect, I make it sound like we actually casually and excitedly do this in life, I’m pretty casual, down to earth, with some pretty fantastic things that I don’t think we do at all.  But saying that, we can continue to fantasize about it, in a measured fantasy, we can do that.  We almost, almost, see it happening and that is quite an accomplishment.  That we don’t altogether cancel this out, that is good.

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/endf’ snippet/ 4:15 pm

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So that’s the end of that writing offline there, oh the book ongoing yeah quite a few pages, 90,000 something like that “oh eric you’re such a boring person do you really think anybody wants to read that?” ah you know we just pop in for a coffee or something, ha ha! oh we get by.  All of us, looking for something.

I jut flap my lips make a pbbbt sound.  You know, what are you looking for here? a world? and not some guy just takes our money and runs.  Ah with my dad I could have taken his savings I guess I didn’t even think of it I was in it for the long haul taking care of him seeing if I could make his life a little bit easier, it’s pretty serious, having Parkinson’s, oh you do your best.

What more can any of us say?  those of us that don’t screw the other person around.  ah, I had a girlfriend once, she was a sex addict, yeah, we had sex fairly regularly, but that’s not what I’m talking about – oh an ugly situation, really what it comes down to, she willingly hurt me, and hurt all kinds of people, and from what I can tell, her father hurt her when she was young, and maybe other people too .. //oh, it’s pretty valuable, someone that won’t screw you around.  It’s pretty valuable.

And that with me, despite my life, I know how to love a person, all the various types of love, care for family, care for friends, but have my limits, in situations, not just be sucked dry.  But put forth a good effort.

And in my life, mental illness, or so they say, well I’ve come far, meditated, took care of myself, I’ve come far.  And creativity, I certainly have that, but the sadness too, ah shit that comes along with it too.

So you just live your life, like you live yours too.  Stop by again soon okay?  See you!