So I went to my recovery group, it’s good to go, kind things said, people are kind to each other – it’s a very rough thing, the way the world is, so many false faces, false people, talk a good line, it’s nice to have some attempt at genuineness somewhere.
It’s just nice.
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And my writing, you know, I can be harsh, work through things, inside, display things, on their way to kindness, it is how you get there, absolute kindness.
Caring.
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You don’t get there, with steering away from inside .. you can get there a little, say with “avoiding meditation” “it just doesn’t work for me” ah you can still be kind, but meditation breaks the ugliness, deep inside.
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It goes there, deep inside, places, oh, “you don’t want to go” really look at things, don’t want to, the complete being, like I have talked about, floating words, the eotu, the prayer being, with these things, I can finally, get to what “where I refuse to be still, sit, feel, talk” refuse to do that – be kind, be listening, not be jumpy, I can get there now.
Stay, say nice things, from my heart, 30%, more there, be careful, but anything at all, it is a miracle, yes it is a fantastic miracle, not run away, not dismiss it “as I just can’t take this” “my heart.”
Stay, and express your heart.
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Stay, in little ways, stay, in conversation, don’t leave.
What you say.
Don’t leave, change the subject, maneuver away, don’t leave./ you know you are still talking, but nuance, flavour, to each word, chosen, said, voice, it is not genuine “you are running now, leaving” oh go away then! person with no guts! Or stand there, feel meditation of years/ knowing now, tiny things, that make it alright/ how to go to bed on time, be scared to lie there “not be able to sleep” “what will you say” “to yourself” “can you use any of your meditation?” yes you can! it takes such guts! to care for yourself be a doctor to yourself/ all the things, in your soul/ to gradually stiffen up, resist, or soothe yourself, just you in your own skin, stand, talk to someone, be able to not be scared, since age 14, now 53/ such as/, feel it all, let their brains feelings action come in you accept them in a vestibule, deal with it/ be even tempered, not shovy, in what you emanate, keep your composure, self-worth/, will you let them in further, when in yourself always you used to run! from heartfelt things, loving in a steady way, giving a little, not as a tease, but staying to look/ sure you had sex/ but genuine things, dig in, even know how to survive in that, the mind to work not be blank stunned, if given a little to help, do you have a lot in there to contribute, now/ have a vocabulary a modest stockpile of subjects ability to express some, a loving person not overboard not preachy just there stand there sit there in whatever situation may come up independent in your body surviving loving moving around city town room in anywhere may arrive changes shocks still stay in face, demeanour, in this happy wonderful world/ sometimes ../some things to say,/ be careful/ gloriously! it is amazing/ quietly, survive this, move into this/ so the avoidance of porn for one thing “even when you are alone and no one will know?” it helps, your delicate soul, honest/ you value it, a 100% open, in the open/ feel your kindness verfiable smile now yes? training? Or more or a little forgiveness don’t know what happened, but you are finally getting a handle on it? or will we? something!
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It’s nice to come through it some days but there are other days, bad days. But we must keep going.
And floating words, words as beings, that stop in midair, yes it helps as medicine, I am shy to perform, but I realize right this second they are there as that now, I do not notice it, it is automatic, with good sleep/ or at least starting to/ good carte for myself paying attention to all details of a good deep where arf you dog kind animal heart deep soul of a dog without baggage, these words, human dog human floppy ears, stay, they are fully there sometimes in reality, I feel, I am honest, and I stay/ in reality, to identify them or just see them float as I speak/ these 14 years of work, this more work, a lifetime/ I am just fully identifying them, what they are, how they work, how you get there, pointing them out./ sometimes, for curative powers, ah just talk, enjoy, can stay with similar investigators of this deep stuff. I start a little. With other people. Not just by myself. Or years, I have known other people, but we never started. We seemed near the starting line, or a little bit past it.
But never this far into it.
For real.
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/endf’ snippet/ 1:30 pm
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so end of writing there, offline, back to here, closer to you, life. It gets to you. Heart offered on my hands. Peace sign, and heart, chums. I love you. Better off with a friend, getting out there!
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