Life, this painting, oh, scattered .. bring together .. you ever painted that way with life/ .. no one has. Ah drawings. Ah artist small, can’t do anything take a page any page words have colours outreach hands lines oh pictures guidelines you see mine, how do we paint the world, literally, with our minds?
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Oh life gather all the people together their minds bodies dreams predilections addictions nice people sometimes? all the time? naïve smart all colours all paints of the paintbox
Oh you know pretty hard to do but that painting above drawing above ah “there’s a lot of failure in it” a lot of messing around “what the f am I doing?” you know? until it comes together you’re just playing by that time don’t sweat it, ah all the meditation you do, you don’t sweat it so bad now, when calamity hits, dreadful times, sure you do, don’t lie, eric
Anyways, we keep going.
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But each little complicated bit of the painting, and an awareness of the whole thing .. you don’t know where you’re going .. try unconsciously, make a mark there, make a pen mark there .. don’t know if it will turn out, half don’t care, half just enjoy driving through it, creating, organizing/ but not before leaving open ends lots of open ends not closing them off too soon, then if everything fails, starting again at some little spot, enjoy the thrill, never closed completely off, drawings, paintings, ah some fail, dejected, thwarted, didn’t figure it out, in some mysterious way/ but with life, nah, I don’t do that/ I don’t bring out the paints, I don’t do anything/ we do not risk for a picture that big, you’re scared, people cannot be used that way, or asked that way, or you wouldn’t know enough at that scale, no one would/ with a little help? from meditation?/ how do you influence people? ah influence them and get success for yourself? no, none of that shit anymore, just try to make the weird painting, unexpected/ even be allowed to work at that scale/ pretty hard/ and you know, I’m happy I can do a little painting like that one above/, something that wasn’t there, that couldn’t possibly be there as it is now
We work a little
We all do
And to stay humble, ah no problem with that, I’m not doing anything here anyways
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Ah with the world, the painting of the world’s face, / a portrait see what it looks like can anybody do that at all/ moving, art, or beyond art/ out there, where it’s dirty ../ come meet me/ come watch me/ nah/ all these little colours through here, pages, like on this blog, like 70 entries or something, don’t worry about it you can’t read them all who uses all the paints in the paint set, just create, at this scale, out in your fucking life, where no one can do anything at all .. /ah we have something not bad now, like colours all stationed here and there almost/ not even close I’m just inserting things here in old writing it seems like something it’s not/ _but not quite even taking a chance to make one of these shitty ass paintings I do, here I sit in this little room here back home, I don’t feel too smart I’ll tell you that, I think any eagerness to see me as smart, like those following me, the authorities for instance, I think they overestimated my smartness, maybe wanted to see something, ah like some conspiracy theory or big mastermind? christ, I’m just on a psychiatric disability pension, I go to appointments, I mean I get along with people, but no one I’ve met, they don’t think, well .. they think I’m a not bad guy, but they met lots of people, I just blend in, don’t stand out .. I’m happy I could buy some tomatoes, got some fresh tomatoes, I had one for dinner tonight, there was a bit of a mark on one side, cut it out, and cut out the stem thing there, but slice it up, have some salt on it, and a few crackers, with hummus, you know I’m pretty fortunate, I have a home to live in, I have food, I have no addictions, running here this place and that to get some coke or something/ by numbers paintings, (oh here we step in on old writing, I just follow along, do what I can to shore it up, get some “story” if there is anything here at all) but help kids, do they? little kids, fill in magic shades of this and that get something looking like something sort of, it’s there isn’t it I think I see it, sort of a thrill, but it was more thrilling to play with little trolls with my sister when I was 3 years old, get a cardboard box our mom said we could have, cut it out carefully don’t hurt ourselves on the knife or scissors /maybe I was a bit older, I think we were allowed to have a paring knife, I don’t know, lots of instruction how to use it before that/ my mom was real careful, real loving, but really fostered our creativity, she took chances with that, gave us room, put us on the floor set us out/ grow up, do better, try, little ones, and in all life, the impossible task, see all life “huh? I see nothing”/, make a house, a little landscape for all the little trolls/ all of us, plastic figures, flesh figures, nah I can’t think that big, oh we make little drawings, read here, I shrug, look at people they ask “what’s this all about, eric?” “Fuck knows. You know as much as I do. I’m just following along, just like you are, a few more pieces than you maybe, but not that many. Something bigger is at play. It’s not me, but I can tell you it’s pretty casual stupid, just like me, I’ll go that far with it.” there that’s enough of that, say no more. dig in, dig far like a dog just digging a hole because it’s there to do, am I digging a bigger hole for myself? “ah I’ve done pretty good my social skills way down don’t understand life don’t understand why I’m here, so I’ve done pretty good to even stay alive at all” small drawings, I can organize that risk a bit with that stay in this room have an old computer a scanner a printer nothing high-end lots of papers standard plain bright white office supply paper not the lowest of the low but a medium decent package/ ream of sheets, dream of sheets? more drawings? Nah, I don’t just pour it out, I do a little here and there. This is my life. / standard, fix-it-upper, stepped in, something to do, something stepped in, I did I guess got some sense finally in my life/ I do okay./ that’s it/ to live on have a few more days and work on this small
Much more exciting than the paint by numbers thing, but at least there you get something done, you have a show at 20, you have a big house by 30, you’re doing well
Here you think about things, you think about people, but where does that get you, right? I just want the house, impress people, I don’t know what their souls are like, I don’t even know what mine is like, I’m an artist, I do complex paintings but live a rotter shitty life how many women I been through take my revenge on them I grew up an average person, short, unimpressive/ nothing to look at I got good at art, I put my all into it, became famous, then treated women bad “like they all deserve” sound familiar? Yeah somebody or other/We didn’t know what to call it “held in confines”
I guess/ but never knowing quite what to work on, the bigger happier thing, we were just little trolls, angry, obsessed with anger, you limit yourself to that, you think you’re brilliant too, you want people to call you that, you never stretch far enough to let people have their own colours and just make a big painting of the world
Right now all the colours sit idle, so wake them up in all people
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