This drawing says “Pray with me now, rough drawing, not possible to do drawing, rough, unclear” /yeah, in life, not possible to do, can’t, so we do a drawing “of the not possible to do” “and do it” pray.
So a little car down in the corner too, running over someone “ouch!” yeah, we get run over, blindsided, trying to do these things, we really do.
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So here’s some writing from this morning. Thanks.
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Saturday, November 9, 2013 10:40 am
Oh, progress, what things have been made progress on in life, then it all catches up to you, no progress at all? Like feminism, some progress, then a rude thing said, back to square one, /like mental health care, seems like a lot is being done, then some veil lifted “it’s not so good, oh now I realize it’s not so good” /and life, this odd take, floating words, are you close to having it live naturally, talked about naturally? – oh, we carry on, life is a certain way, stays a certain way – oh, bad patterns, unfortunate patterns, things that hurt, like knowing a friend, knowing their wife died of cancer some years back, but still being sad for them “how do they handle it?” life’s sadnesses .. nothing much to be done, there are all the hospitals and treatments, but sadnesses, yes, lots of sadnesses, inescapable from getting out from under – try, can you, can you actually try, be nice, smile, find a way for your smile to grow? And it’s not fake, pasted on, or insane?
Life the delicate short distance between something happening well and healthy, and just being crazy? Just being insane, uncomfortable, a tinge of flesh, your face red, your eyes enlarged, your stammer, what is okay, what is not okay, a million people trying to smile, have some good days, feel happy .. oh, the world, jobs, functioning, honesty – not being too rude, expressing honestly .. who can do that, it’s crazy, has gone too far, is too much, express honestly, have flickers in your talk “he’s not well” “she’s not well” “note taken, do not go too far with them, reach out, be friends” they’re too weird, too different, /what do we need, for honest talk, perhaps nothing, just keep us sailing smooth along, don’t rock the boat, honest, or just have pocket, of good job, it doesn’t know about the rest of the world, it doesn’t know, keep going, please .. keep you going all along, know about the world, connections, none, just sadness, unbearable sadness .. if you only had a job, were busy, or busy in that sense, busy to ignorance .. busy that way, don’t you see, are you blind, how does it all connect, a being here, bridging the gap, light connections, threads, something … that connects us all, I can see now, who you are, who we all really are ..
That a being floats there, in the words that stop in midair, a quiet little prayer being speaks them, I can advance through her, feel her, not there, not there by earth’s rules, common facts .. there is more ..
Does it all add up to this, do we get this far, /or is it failed feminism, failed mental health care, all of it, whatever you look at “progress” “then none at all”? Why go this far, to this, for true progress, never going to make it past the other, to anything?
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Never going to make it past the other, held in the gel, immoveable “it looks like progress” “isn’t” and this is just weird, too weird, does it have something, unidentifiable, you want to be its friend, you’ll take the risk, or does your radar go up, for “weirdness” “oh, stay away” “that person is not right” “in the head” oh we all need friends, but on this?
Push forward into this, what, will I lose everything, my job career friends to know the littlest thing about this, move into this?/
Is this a cult, a weirdness, am I scared, or does this truly move past everything, absolutely everything?
It makes me feel healthy. That’s all I can say. If done properly it makes me feel healthy.
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It is not weird at all, not bizarre, it makes me smile, to love it, to stay quiet about it, the age-old secrets of chi kung.
Age-old.
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You do not make “advances” ah we have, into this personal story it is cute .. oh we have fun, sometimes, sometimes is scattered .. growing ..
Do we get there, enlarge, some scattered bits, then solidify down, then get scattered again, enlarge, gently, see all through life ..
This sees, gentle little thing, apart from any isolated profession or opinion ..
Gently, don’t make friends, too close, settle, be tied down, never wander, gentle little thing, free ..
It is not a “free” “sleep around, go from bed to bed” no, not a “free” like that, /it is with the mind, compassion ..
You bear the fruits of that, grow, pluck peaches from the branches, oh, something, peaches, oranges, grapes, from vines, apples, from trees, gently grow this, invisible this, orchards of this.
So feel the scattered days, yes feel them too, nasty, scattered, can’t bear fruit, not much, be caught, flail, say a little, see those people too, those areas too, wander .. but always have this, offer it to them. Or no, stay back, wish it for them, pray for them, it is all you can do.
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Wander and pray in this new way. Books words art fun big enterprise, or just sad, /little beings, little slight small prayer being, sad for her, past it all, past all that humans have done, that humans are.
What are we really, in physical forms, then this other strange form too, on the same earth with us, now.
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/endf’ snippet/ 11:20 am
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So end of that writing in the book there, private pages, oh things to think about, where are we all going .. oh janey sits in her living room, smokes a cigarette, no doesn’t smoke, ah tries to be healthy go to bed at a decent time, last night 2 a.m., so not good, but tries to do work find a good time it feels good, want to do it, her life of job, then these things she does on the side, oh trying to be a woman too, like nice scents, or nothing, just clean, and shave, like her legs, armpits, be smooth, trim, be nice, be lovable, or well, maybe sometimes don’t want to be touched, or just want to be touched for her, she’s not saying her ass smells, but you know, “clean,” and keep the house clean, or a little, try to do things, rake the leaves, it’s an apartment, still rake the leaves, ha ha .. oh do your best rake your hair, /city, comb your hair, streets, long thin streets, houses, lumps, of toffee, something ..
Oh janey with papers idle tired a Saturday do things with papers hopes dreams acting out a little prayer being she still doesn’t know too much about how to be it little thing, so scattered for a long time, lots of area to grow to even get the slightest inkling what she is for, a “person” “a little strange new being” floating near, walking near, even know, what she is, how to say her .. ah it’s all crazy, but to work on it, quietly, and show up at the drawing exchange, yeah, or gallery, Merle got her an in, can show there, talk to patrons, not too scared, of a little girl, not a psychiatrist, but just a human “I’m just walking around, on the streets, just like you” ah a little bit more, the meditation, and drawing, rough drawings, or clues “to me” “to all of us I guess” what we might say, summing up, on things that never seem to change, but change ..
Ah to approach it where it is, strange, happy, or tired, can’t do all this – you be quiet with it all, you don’t bring it out too much, bring it out to be criticized, torn apart, so then you feel so low you won’t ever do it again .. so .. careful, janey, careful ..
Ah she does alright, a little niche, they let her use the assistant director’s office, ah, strange, have a corner, a little few objects, beads, no this is her apartment, pay the rent, hope for quiet, a little quiet, no neighbours, doing war dances or something, rain dances happy dances, screwing dances, anything .. oh my, little life
Little life
She just does what she can is a graphics artist for advertisements yeah a sickening job in some ways but pays the rent, and she quietly does this no hope a little hope … can’t decide .. jury’s out on that .. she quietly does this ..
Talking to patrons of art, /simple 8 ½ by 11, sheets, paper, bright white or inkjet paper from the office supply store and her, just ordinary her papers pens pencils creativity and sadness, seen too much of life, like we all have, can hardly work, hardly get it up to keep doing this at all, but finds it interesting “contact” “a little, with the public” “on things she cares about”
Now careful janey, careful, never show them what you care about, truly care about, give lovingly expand not be shot down, /with love all she wanted to give was love .. not be shot down ..
Not constantly have to have a sneer in life which she still does still thinks she does, be cool, be sarcastic, don’t care, fuck and leave them behind or CARE a secret life on CARE
Seems so silly but impossibly good to work on she likes it
Carry on, tell no one
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