This drawing, a guy lying down in bed, figures fighting beside him, and a trail of lollipop trees or something at their feet at his feet floating sleeping, and just figures in black lines across the back going about their life their day, and even the two figures “skirmishing there” ah not really? could be? might? He does okay, you know I explain a little keep going, this is a huge undertaking, like trainyards joining with pharmacies, /and there’s a little kid riding his tricycle across – there you go – it just isn’t done/ yes it is! I see it now!/, people don’t combine these things/ look at whole world give whole world our feelings of disarray tide me over jumble I pick up a little in my head thanks eric with helping clean up my bedroom kitchen me/ the everything rudeness kindness needs a place a home in head kindness on face yeah could be truer let me see unique things to say warm that appear almost instantly in conversation feed in other persons words I have some to give back out there lunch vibe too treats then life is not so ugly we have this shyly to talk about you me and pleasure straightforward hug in words that drip and are sticky popsicles in winter summer coffee got chocolate to kiss him everyone wha roll along .. even out please give me something in my tired day not trusting humans anymore/ – meet me here./ in this book, love me here/ and spreading slightly to life, meet have pages, clumsy is okay and talk, clumsy is okay there too, as we build this up
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So all for that writing there.
Here’s two entries I made offline in the book a little, I think they explain a little, help us out.
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Tuesday, November 12, 2013 12:45 pm
So, I did a 1+1, so that coupled with 32 minutes magnification, equals 1 hour 42 minutes total – I just stayed over there completely, did the 32 minutes magnification, it felt right, then set up my mat and stuff, and sat down, did the sit-down, oh .. “chaos” eh? The chaos of our lives, I guess I know what those fancy “zen masters” or something, mean now .. they “welcome chaos”? well, it’s kind of unavoidable, you get it, everybody gets it, especially in the head, in the inner life .. ah, what do you do with it – do you make friends with it? or do you fight it?/ pour whiskey on it say, like a lot of people do? Anything? To “stop it”? ah, life, to stop it, the hell inside you, avoid it, don’t display it, put all the pieces on a rug, or on a piece of paper, looks unending, too much, crazy, will you ever work through it, have a suitable “ending” to a “little story” like last night for instance, that entry I put on the blog, man, it just went on and on, but not without purpose, it really is a million people, a billion people, trying to work it out, they have a lot inside to work out/ but “just get on with it” “on the outside” right? ignore the inside, how they’re feeling, what their mind is asking on them to do? They don’t want to. It is their health, their wellbeing, but they don’t want to. They think health is a pill, or an operation, something to do with skin, bones, pills, salves, creams, bandages .. they don’t want to turn to meditation, to see what it really is. Past the selfish thing “it’s just for me” do you emerge with a little prayer being, that sits with you at a table, ha, can you have lunch with a friend, a woman, and she accepts your prayer being, sitting there? ha! not bloody likely. But this is life. Our civilized world. What we’re dead-centered on, what we’re not. We don’t have health and peace and calm, we really don’t. We hide our chaos, and just expect it to work out. It doesn’t, it has to do with the mind, the mysteries, your soul, distances away, as well as close, even take the time, to face banging and crashing inside, sit quietly with it, have a part of you that sits quietly with it. See its meaning.
That banging and crashing inside, comes out in world wars. Or in a prayer being.
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Do you sit with a friend, does she allow you to have your prayer being sit with you? or is your turmoil, and her turmoil, all inside? Coming out in terrible ways, conniving, evil “who me? I didn’t do that!” but it happens. Or you work on it, the strange process to allow this little seemingly imaginary being, you inside worked on, solved or brought farther, to something real, like this.
Wanna try?
And it’s not a question you work into asking anyone, ever. I suppose I asked people reading this, in whatever way they were reading it. But no, I don’t have a group, they are in on this, we meet regularly. No, it has its ways, but it’s pretty heavy, what humans won’t say to each other. Just won’t say.
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We meet, have coffees, keep it casual, I mean is there ever any point any area any dark corner any taboo for this bright happy sunny thing?
Ah, someday./ you know it is giggle-happy-smile like that. We’re friends on this, all us. We just don’t say it.
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/endf’ snippet/ 1:10 pm
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Oh, in many ways it’s just best to rest, damnit you know, fly too fast fly too hard .. really, you crash, or it’s impossible to take care of a million threads, all converging, you have the sound of an elephant and a fly, trying to combine, there you go, it screeches, it whumps, it doesn’t know what it is ..
Oh, I do okay, for a gathering place of such a huge amount of things, trying to make sense “oh eric you are raw rude clumsy” ah okay but you still stick with me then? “Yeah, we still stick with you then.”
So today I had some banking business to do, go to one of the branches, close out accounts, get check payable into the lawyer’s firm’s account? So do that, that’s one over with, 3 more this week, no, not huge amounts of money in any of them, just things to wrap up, and it’s stressful, I think of dad, it brings that all up again, pretty raw, being with him his final days, visiting, then him passing away one night in the nursing home, rushing down there in the car.
Oh, bless you, dad, blessings to you, I had a tea the other day, yesterday I think it was, got a small container of fresh milk, made a tea, thought of you, dad “this is for you, dad” used to make you a tea, bring it to you, as you sat in the living room, watching TV, your legs were weak, you would have liked to get it for yourself, but you couldn’t really, carry it back to the living room, your legs were too unsteady, oh, and later with a walker, the ones just with no wheels, place it forward a bit, then shuffle up to it, but you can hardly carry a tea with that, oh, I’m glad I could do it for you, dad.
But yeah, these days, trying to organize this book, well there’s a reason they say the Dao is inexpressible through words, the Dao, God, whatever you want to call it, ah humans fail “I’m glad to be your failure, people, I rush in with millions of words surely my odd style, creative style gets some of it across?” (and just the work of the reader too making their own drawings selling them in galleries too perhaps, or however it works, trying to talk like this, exist like this, the prayer being, the floating words, oh my .. and these blog posts “from out of the blue” /disconnected, or oh my, how do we feel the whole thing, working with so many pages, impossible to read them all, is a feel created, of further ground, to where the human might want to go, move, evolve, might want to, under their own power, own steam ..) oh you do okay, eric, you’re kind of a nut, but things are unclear sometimes, take further thinking. “but do I get you to the door? Where you can go in? see things?” “Ah, maybe eric. The trick is to not castigate you for being unclear, a person, the reader has to remember, no one does, no one goes into these areas, at all. So you’ve done pretty good, for a clumsy fuck-ass. Ha! Yeah, eric, clumsy, but some of the images are pretty fresh, vibrant. Thank you.”
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/endf’ snippet/ 5:10 pm
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So that’s it for that writing offline there .. ah this is a pretty difficult project, yeah life is messy what’s in our heads as we all try to put on a front try to talk regularly don’t show our friends, really “what are you not supposed to show them? it’s a mystery no one knows what’s in there our heads bodies spirit outer space connected in here farther than outer space right to edge of universe// whoa! stop now! you’re scaring me! / We just don’t want to know. we just want to cut our lawns.
Ah not really we have some interest, but no one gets it across really, they’re too much of this, not enough of that/ have some modesty, and joke around a little, but do the really hard work in meditation.
Yeah you do that, eric./ oh our bodies heads feet toes fronts for entries of something from the universe. It is very strange. Because it is true.
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We really don’t want our ordinary lives on earth to be fronts for something more we have to learn. We really don’t want that.
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Are half affronted half happily curious “that maybe this will work out” “maybe this will help us”
Very strange to adjust, have room, many moments, were perplexed, looked around? And now for this?
Find this here? Are you there, us, in some strange vernacular slang oh more than that, put it off, just put it off. I like it eric that you goof off with us, for a while. Just put it off.
Easy boy. Solowl;y, oksy?
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