Ah for me .. oh, I go to a mental health group, I don’t name it here, the location, the address, I don’t name people by name, their physical attributes their age I just tell stories or refer to them a little but mostly me I mean dig into me and hope people relate, anyways .. yeah, and am I a bit naive, a silly little stuffed toy, yeah in many ways I’m some bunny rabbit or dinosaur pink or purple or mint green, stuffed
Yeah, I’m 53, broken, I survive, I’m not deluded, but I don’t share a lot of this, none of us do
We just keep to ourselves, and stay healthy.
Really “real health” comes in strange ways.
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Wednesday, November 6, 2013 1:15 pm
Oh just trying to do the best I can, I meant to get up a bit earlier this morning, but I fell asleep again, oh, I got up, it was 20 to 10 or something, recovery group at 10:30, so I didn’t even do magnification, get that beginning part in, oh, by the time I had finished going to the bathroom and washing my hands, it was 5 to 10, so I just decided to take my shower .. I did make it to the group, at about 5 to 11, but at least I made it, instead of saying “oh, it’s too close” or “it’s gone over the time” “I won’t go” so good for me to go, see people, hear their stories, be nice to them, they be nice to me – it’s rough, our lives, people have pain, one lady was down to her last 20 dollars for the rest of the month, and I mean, it’s November 6th, my God! I just realized that, put it together, but, how can I help, do I give her 20 dollars? I don’t have 20 dollars to give, I am not rich, I am worried for myself too ../ oh, you feel though, for people/ oh, it was a shaky day for me, the smirgrabblek last night, then no meditation this morning, I do the best I can, I just felt jumpy, disoriented, but good to talk a little, people mentioned “having their voice” “being able to find their voice” a little, in the group – that is very hard, in life you just “shut up” you often forget about “your little voice” “being you, what is important to you, and helping others, say their voice, not to storm and abuse, but find their loving voice” no we never went that far into that, I think you barely find a little of your voice, and here alone writing maybe I can say a bit more, /but afterwards I went on the computer a bit, there, stayed a while, but people talk to me a little, I’m beginning to come back a little into my own, you know, enjoying human company, knowing how it works ../ I know you might say “well that is kind of slow, Eric, I mean it’s been a long time” but we each have our own pace ..
Oh I try not to be rude, my public persona, I’m not so jaded, people have been known to say “I’m so innocent” but really what they should be saying “I’ve not been broken by it all, not been turned bitter” or have found a way, my voice is loving, I’m not mean .. oh, this working to it, certainly in these pages I have swearwords, I have rough images – but working to it, to a loving voice, in a true way .. I don’t have a public persona, not too much of one, not heavy and oppressive, I do let things through, I am ready to let things through .. oh, life, and I realize “we are all in a story” “but see no writer” “see nothing to do, adjust the story” “bad patterns just keep coming” that came up today, we barely in group got to “we are in a story” I said that, and some sad laughs, and I wanted in my head to go farther, to say “I have stepped outside the story, I have” but I didn’t, and to say “I can float in the air, as words that stop in midair” no, I certainly didn’t say that! I’m not saying none of this is true, what I work on, but people are very broken, in stories that don’t get better, things are oppressive, hurting, they are almost breaking, so for me it would sound a bit silly, like I don’t understand what they are going through, like I am a fool, that just can’t face reality .. but no, I’m sane, balanced, evened out, yes, I have my bad days, and mistakes, but really, this makes me feel healthy, floating words is good for me, but how is it “monetized” “how do I have a job” oh, I am working on that as best I can .. but am I a “fruitloop”? “gone completely bonkers”? ah no I’m alright.
Do I face a bigger reality, right down to matter, what we are made of, produced by something at the edge of universe, and among us “because all this” “isn’t strictly here” it is produced by it, the eotu .. ah you can see I don’t even dare say these things, in an open and honest, as much as we can be, mental health group – it is a good group, we reveal as much of ourselves as we can// oh c’mon eh? Do I ever say any of this, handle reality at a bigger scale, or just simply live in reality, stay there, in the story, where your body has to be kept together, your medical health, physical, mental, spiritual, you are alive on earth, for as much time as you have .. yes, but .. “there is this other” “ah, you know” is there a forum for it, I write a little here, and people have read a bit of it “somewhere out there” people have read it, a little shy about it, coming to terms with it, with me ..
And yeah, sometimes in stores, like a few months back now, but Shae’s fellow track team members, ah, read the book, think I’m a little sexed up, no I’m not at all, this is just what goes on deep inside us, I hope I am balanced out in it, give you the intelligent parts too, human, warm, not lecherous after some sex/ humans have many facets, but thanks Shae’s track team members, thanks for caring a little, not knowing what I am, or knowing exactly, I express, after much hardship, and I have a little laugh about it all too sometimes – yes, life is hard, but I still have a spontaneous laugh sometimes, life is amusing, sad, ugly, you have to laugh, it’s so ridiculously sad, let some out, let a weight off your chest, and yeah I say her name, Shae “the participant” “ah, all the participants” we’re just humans, in a story, see no writer, what to rise up, join with “writing” “of reality” ah we all do a little bit better, through here, but am I naïve and innocent in all this? yeah maybe I am, I still want to let some of this out, but I have to be careful who I do that with. It’s live-giving this, it has given me my life back, and part of that is being listened to, Shae and the others reading this, and liking it, not rejecting me for it, well not quite, they’re not sure “how this lives” no one is ..
Am I naive and stupid? Is my voice of a child not grown up doesn’t know how things work? yes I know very much how things work, and it makes me very sad I am sad about it.
And I do something – I do something about it – how I feel inside, deep inside, I change there – I think we all can change there through this, but if course I never say any of this, I wouldn’t dare! *giggle* ah I tell you, Shae, Janis, others, you listen “but no one can pull this off” “live as this” well I am a little. Yes I am. My words in some small way, are launched into the air float there stop in midair hover .. no I don’t dare tell another living soul about that! *giggle* but they do! They are in the air, in a way a little, staring at you, humans, looking, kindly, in wonder of you – it really affects me mentally physically I feel better … but you know to “share this with all the knowledgeable adult humans?” no.
Not one person, no one does, develop this “silly naive crazy” but gently it works on me, gently, quietly, and I think people feel it a little off me too, but don’t know quite what I am, am I laughing, at crude jokes, am I crude, dirty, am I a little boy, am I am angel, am I an adult, do I care for older people, make sure they have some love in their last days, yes I do.
Really I don’t laugh at people stick a knife in them hurt them, but I laugh joyously share from my gut without censorship.
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/endf’ snippet/ 2:10 pm
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//
So, end of that writing there, from offline, oh the book, personal stuff I don’t feel comfortable, putting online, or a book for eventual publication, or some form, following us along, many pages, our own, encouraged by this, pages, drawings, simple drawings, exuberance, all of us, mental illness, no mental illness, pride “won’t take none of them there pills” ah and do the pills work, a little, but what is the work you must do yourself, ah really to be a stuffed toy and not be on drugs not be high, do meditation, a hardcore medical grade, torturous, some days, the pain, wailing out, seeing what’s blocked in you, what needs to come out – and in the end just being a stuffed toy
Not a silly fool
But a stuffed toy
Do you have a job, is it monetized, can you feel peaceful, for all the world?
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//
Yeah, being realistic, in all this, without it being neutered.
The great trouble in all of us, how to be an adult, but all the fun joy beautiful peace of strange little girls, prayer beings, ancient, not of earth, look like a little slight 14 year old girl, oh eric don’t get weird hha ah hr / I’m just laughing here good-naturedly, but we all want another form, or in our prayers floating in the room tell others about it share it get up move around the room “ah right eric. We’ll get the white coats for you right now” /but the careful little dreams, meditation pictures, gentleness, done properly, other slices of the physical dimension, what can be here, changes your mind, outlook, what is matter what is beyond physics experiments the most high-end humans can do, to do 14 years of meditation, rise through the levels, better than any video game “levels” ah see what is really there, untransferable to other people in reality, how adults talk, do not say a bit of this, but I feel it a little and there are some other stuffed toys like me, purple dinosaurs like me.
We talk, and who knows how good my health is, I continue going.
This layers into my life. tell no one. oh a few. But health, of the brain mind dimension.
Further.
Seeing what is at the edge of the universe way farther than all the physics experiments what they fret at, /live it, in your life, stuffed animal purple dinosaur, with a small smile.
You know health true health inside “nuts” “smiles” little child playing with adult pain evening it out
Thank you deep meditation
You are true
Nothing an adult doctor adult counselor could ever share with me, among humans
This is from some other place it’s not a human child human body 2 arms 2 legs any body at all, but it is more real, than us
Our questions of existence
Help us here, continue our story
But I know full well no adult talks like this ever
Push papers at me meet and laugh at papers no talk no floating words in air no feeling like a stuffed animal, trade with me, sombre, art in galleries trade with me
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