I can't change, or orders from above, or friends from ground level, more likely it will work that way, or just to consider, how you build, better things, Eastern theory, Western refrigerators, both, too little of Eastern theory, true worldwide theory, chi kung meditation, understand its true nature, begin here

Oh, these drawings, and hope, faith, ah it’s tricky in a dirty world, lousy world, socialized, learned, rules, ways to avoid them, tricky, never finding deep-down-in-essence, knowing how to grasp it, to develop it, help from off planet, leave, in meditation, but come home too, come back, to earth, and know how to be at peace, save any energy earned.

Ah easier said than done, follow rules from way out there, they are shy, don’t compete with man’s rules, don’t compete.

-

//

So here is a little story, a literary agent might see from where this story expands, huge story, pieces, colours, paints, words, wisdom, foolishness, earth.

A reader might see it too.  Start here, ungraspable, find organic spread, in mystery, both meditation and non-meditation, follow along, tired, too tired for this, reject it, but cuddle with it, take it to bed, even a string, a coloured string, anything, to pray with.

What I would do in public, with you, and help you

by

Eric Sewrey

(Monday, November 11, 2013)

8:40 pm

I’m trying to do, what I would do in public, I wouldn’t masturbate in public, turn on some porn, masturbate, /I wouldn’t lazily go from one meaningless website on the internet, to another one, /on news channels I would try to look at constructive news, if I looked at one article “the ‘biggie coat’ what New Yorkers are killing for” I would try to also look at articles from my own city, like “in Hintonburg new rowhouses to go up where eyesore corner was” or something like that, try to care, show caring, like I’m in public, like that’s important and it’s not altogether false, like I can act that way in my private life too, like all of life is not just “no change.  No change possible.  I am fake in public life, don’t call me on it.  I am a creep in private life, you should see the shit I look at on the internet.  Don’t call me on it.  In fact don’t call me anytime.  Fuck off.”  I only want people in on the game.  That will support me in the game.  Say nothing, let it continue.  You know what I mean, and if you don’t, fuck off.  This is how it has gone for ages, I suspect I am psychotic in it, I suspect we all are.  My public image I am toasty warm and a good upstanding guy, but it is a shitass ugly lie but I have nothing more to say on the matter.  I can’t help it in private I test the limits see what I can get away with under the law we are all doing it the people making the laws too.  There is no openings in this.  In this system.

-

And it really is like that.  I just shrug my shoulders.  For all public people.

In my life here do I welcome you in on floating words, the words that stop in midair, become beings, this is my private life, something more than watching porn in private, then lying about being an upstanding citizen in public, I’m really not, I don’t care, catch me on it, you’ll have to batter me pretty hard for me to admit it.  It might take months, years, you might have all the evidence in the world, it still takes months, years.  So slowly I’m trying to welcome you in on this, even sit at a table quietly in public, and discuss a little the floating words be shy it’s unknown it’s private but it’s helpful I’m unused to that, all private things before were just dirty, I might not go to jail for them, but they were hurtful, using of people, then in public I smile and greet people, it’s a lovely world! I’m dancing with my wholesomeness! But it’s a fucking lie.  So now this, I’m quite unsure of it, my meditation, what I see, what I have developed in it, it’s unclear, is this like porn, or of the wholesome variety, never admit you do it, but it is driving an industry, destroying us? uh no, meditation isn’t that popular, the real stuff, and what is done, if you do it properly, really hold to it, do it every day, take time, be disciplined, see yourself through on the bad days too, that is important, well, it is only helping the world, it for sure is doing that.

But I am quite shy on it.

What is it exactly, get my bearings “I’m supposed to say nothing private to you ever!” so this, it is a good wholesome private, my brain just doesn’t compute on that.

I’m sorry.

-

It’s like that, meditation is a new frontier it delves into what’s at the edge of the universe, it’s not quite “what used to be my deepest ever private moments” I don’t want me filmed having sex with the woman I love, I don’t want closeups I don’t want our genitals closeups I don’t want what I say closeups what she says how she looks at me/ look, I have nothing, human life is over, I have nothing – I have no good feeling, deeply private, that can be spread to us all, and it is a better world for it.

My deepest private the best the most fulfilling moments are never to be for you world you stinking ugly place.  And I cannot help.  The feelings are delicate too private too rare whether it be sex love communication I want none of you to have it none of me, these special times never make it to you, ever.  I am fine with that.  I want it closed off, forever and ever.  I know the world, how it works, it even takes me a long time to realize I have anything special, high on high valuable, the deepest most bright room in my heart, I am afraid to show you the tiniest bit of it, I get it so fucking rarely, excuse me, but I cannot stress that it comes so fucking rarely, I hide it, even as I seek to be better at it, that it come easier, I share it with my wife easier, or anyone I know easier, not always sex or typical nakedness or typical honest, I think it’s kind of transcendent, kind of not here.  And meditation is a fulsome farm on that, producing more, like agriculture of the heart, producing more food, sustenance, than was previously possible.  But I am very scared, sharing this with you in any way.  I cannot believe it is anything of anything, I am careful with it, a mystery, I do not let too much out, or in a weird weird way, it must be so different, find some way, it is actually said, I cannot say it.

-

So, yeah, changes.

If they are at all possible.

-

We have reached a dead-end, art is what it is, lies, of almost deep moments mine come so rare and I’m certainly not telling you.

There it is.

Even with my woman, my lady, they come so rare, I don’t know how to develop them more, get more, I am stumped, there is no erection in that, excitement of that, stimulation, larger, it is just very very rare.

We don’t have much of it, I am scared of it, something that damn real I hope it never comes, /oops.

That’s kind of completely backwards of me.

As this being, I hope it never comes absolute realness, but as the being in meditation, I welcome it openly, but I cannot communicate that to you.

Or can I?

-

/endf’ snippet/ 9:25 pm

-

//

So, end of that writing there, oh, our lives “what is/ in chi kung study/ ‘the conversion of jing or blood (essence) into qi (energy), qi into shen (spirit), and then you have made it, to the state of xu (void) and the Tao (the Way)’ / oh all very esoteric, all that, what the heck does it mean, even at my stage, of meditation, /and this book, / oh the inner book, offline, I give some of, on this blog, but this outer layer too, presentation, or a story here too, oh, in some wispy way, delicate, pencil sketches almost, replacing, former public way, former inner way, or working with them, both .. seeing what the world is .. yes, refrigerators, cars .. but this too.

Oh, jing to the man, he must keep it, not be foolish .. it is an essence, and meditation can develop it more, then what do you do, when you come out of meditation, must live your day, do you take hallowed principles of meditation into life, what are you, where are you .. oh, it takes awhile, blend slowly, achieve slowly, like I say it is shy, and “many times, man ‘conquers’ it,” says “to hell with you, begone/” and so it is.

Till it stays around.

Develops./ that takes a long time, for me I thought it would be easy, it is some mystery council, sits in your head, your heart, way into a spirit .. you hardly know, a council there, both for earth, sky, .. beyond edge of universe, councils, little particles, beings, that smile sweetly, do not talk to you much, you think you know big blaring versions of them, but they are not it at all.

Sweet peace big pieces lump hills wilderness of walk, walk along, smile sweetly, with them too, wide-eyed child’s eyes on it/ you see, you see into it curtains lifted aside gently go in house quiet sublime sunny welcoming no demons all cleared out someday you get to that they hang around front they’re not inside but they try to deter you from it, true going in, nakedness, of bodies air gases blackness outer space colours stars and beyond, sit in meditation, half human, your earth-stay worried dastardly depressed claim you strike you beat you, /go, go to sky, survive, quiet, to see the body, go in, enter, curtains, sunshine, brighter, brighter than even outside, and it is very sunny

Achieve this, no desires for a gold ring “proving it”

No desires

Walk strong then, of ideals, of not found in man’s purse, gold coins, flutter turn into sparrows, land near you and stare, with bulging eyes, then exploding .. you have not quite achieved it

You are still on earth

Work

Save jing, feel more, enter into “world not here” bring it here, ask it over, in little ways, you might arrange a glass a bowl a fruit grapes bananas apples or eat little healthy things be quiet small as a bird need only what a bird needs .. but then, ah, bills, sign papers, worry, work, /think of porn, shall I go there, they are so beautiful, no

To talk to them “hello” clothed, they are clothed, worry, seeing you, one who knows all this, but can they tempt you, show you a nipple, do you lunge for it, to suck it, that of porn, or do you keep your jing, your essence, develop it further

How strange, strength from afar, but the temptations of earth, the sad girls, come to you clothed, later, they steer you away, from photos, videos, they steer you into sitting in a quiet place, talking, clothed, they smile, a little shy, a little just a little girl, unsure, what this all is, a man’s world, or cock, or they know it isn’t, they know maybe they’ll find something else

Is this it?

For all of us?

-

//

So sweetly so innocently ah don’t take no shit ah fuck you ../ establish this, winsome, grinning it’s completely impossible you know that, sadness heavy heart, another weakling wimp with pretty stories or this grizzled bewhiskered ah dirty take a bath, messy house, take a bath

Can I?  just be clean typical not going to make it too much dirt too failed a life too embarrassing getting too old to be able to take all of it and go along with it to something

Dirty realistic even real, feared real, dirty failed labels against you bring up evidence records mental health criminal ah public says “he’s found out!” “get another one” “I want it pretty” he’s ugly his mind his loins his breath his face sit with me baby ha ha, oh we undergo changes, if ever possible, dirt, longwinded, like vacuum cleaner bag ripped open, cough cough, I can’t stand it, sprinkle it little or fairy dust house dust thoughts poems failed inarticulate all over the land run-on sentences, misspelled, lousy drawings a child could do better lousy hope a child could do better I must do it as me my child is lost ah I still smile to myself at this a little I still have fun here, interspersed, there are days of suffering, yeah .. this is real good wholesome meditation, but lousy western creepo swearing sex

How bad

A lovely literary poke Refreshing make it through/ oh gawd how revolting conceited mawkish terrible poor words proffered cookies for your visit sit have tea I am mildly ordinary quiet we all are finally without rebuke, don’t argue, it would like to be, it is a state of bliss, of void, hard work meditation if only through a long long book, only way for many, to the same thing, and you are thank you welcome, we mat, doormat, or mat for art, around picture, quiet art, or made it past that too, to life, all of us queasy, such a long journey, for this, to life, in us all, sit, throw up, clean bucket not so clean did you miss the edge no worries floor is hardwood a varnish can wipe it with water, puke puke get it all out there, this a house of sickness and wellness I puke into this computer every day and try to clean up too, other days, or same days, or do what I can, hidden things of all humanity, not torpid movies, get it all over with, 60 minutes, 90 minutes, no we are buying gum, a loaf of bread, or healthier things, health bread, if we have some extra money, are doing well, health bread, no yeast, some thick bread, heavy health, try most of it cut down on crap, live

But get there first

Make a living, at meditation, as if anyone can.  Papers, as art, try, it illustrates more you as a person, what you can do with your words, that stop in midair not so much vocabulary, swish of feathers in high English, no it is more background now, in outer space, strange things, arrived to earth, from edge of universe, a being, just one being, casual, appearing in us all, looking from one person to the other, same being behind skin flesh, even bones, deep, not of matter, can it exist here, can you show me papers, and slyly stay silent, or it’s not sly, you are not conniving you are just ill at ease showing it all, a peculiar nakedness of crazy thing tried, in words stopping in midair, floating them by how you use words, started from human mouth, now stop there, and can you, not panic, through years of meditation, not panic, they stop there, wait, look, this is years, to have a friend, listen, anyone, to dare, be human, sit there, listen, watch them .. over years, they can stop, achieve independence, a being, not of matter, like your mind, thoughts, outlook, personality, missing, to measure that, include that in medicine, we barely do that, let alone this, so far away, it developed to exist as itself in the air a bit, just near to you, stays close, not too far

“you” or something stuffed plush toy air toy imaginary toy or longed for weird expression that sets you alive the other person looks has never seen something so alive in their life of calling for it their words sound false out their mouth, so false ../ as if to get here, someday, to launch this way, human preparatory in face, not enough, now get to this/ put-on between-human communication, our best ways, even books, even emails, telephone calls, looks from across the room, even/ that/ now this ..

What is beyond it all, alone, in bed like voice talking to yourself, careful ethereal god of standard honest cut right to ther chase, beauty in every I love you enjoy it/ you have told them, they need to know, you as pretty as this/ sublime join hands, love, be the most contented of your happiest life/ the universe interviews perfect silence chosen words ring feel material piano rasp file workman piano come alive burlap fingers cotton dips breasts hemp feel me between tinge of laugh carnal and teeth carnival chatter somehow voice me accurately let’s box unclaimed clothes of lyricist and mechanic and nothing you fool talk more we have all the time in the world here as we schlep off clemped penis monocle locked off remove your face war of hedges come free

Say nothingComfy

Be other than human and make me yours mistakes the best beast gorilla loves tiny girl he will be tiny too someday back in old England in the world you took the rising tisk wrong balls were fullfirmed clay during English class professor raped up the bottom or enjoying it scribble as such in your cahier blassing boy rotten werffter drink brilliant piss out all holers youi force the professor all boysd hatem, give him alcohol and drugs and these words beat him feel gentry whip genesis poff blather clothes cough and rattle ghost etake the castle rerader be clean some damn paper and even BETTER Werd word lying about it all in bed talking to yourself dish of dirty milk for cat it was cleamn yiu oput it out oh you’re hjust tired and whirpeling all story fail herte all through day and night failing again life sets its tone we will have larkspurt of tomorrow limp ha return odd thing to tip following us all through life hint other mess of mind over calculate ass we have all we all have mischievous trying no one hear us ever but now art or papers or respectable weird accept us towel twirl flow make mistakes be better people even ill-advised later story accept me as a hug me stinkl be reluctant ah you dumb shit higher being

Almost getting there Ask for lady’s love guy’s love situations of words no touch hover baseless delusion staffed employees chance to exist love lone stories faces one being attempting outer space here travel matter physics my love through it to hover in timid all we go here

Time if one being behind skin look at your skin and the one being behind it hover forward words barely tinged with human skill something else now show something else accept all man and woman up to now but show this/ nasty carefree sick mind internally breathe, correct, improve, but don’t lose it all, come through as this, show me, freak, could be prim and proper university or garbage man or tailor or prostitute or sailor, fun with papers you’ve snipped and pasted and meet to trade because you can’t say this

Any of this

Reads out or only have papers show this millions of papers artworks traded in special galleries you sit before each other look cannot say any of this the true art the true human farther

Have so many papers half-assed or find good griooiove feel spark of srtustuc love teeaseliness but fraid whst other people will think or grab, sort toyout, you, haslf the music full posers more you nope laugh you emerge crinky up, cry all of us, taking each love page, grieving eriweig what hear, links, connections, into our world, tinkle piss no teinkle tar words lirrl;e beings, tar abd frather stars come here exoect so muvh

Only this

Fulfillerd tinkered get better ariver mechnics opuiff powder ponder palms grease sack haihet female male nothing nupe little prayer bite beings borrow bugs suveiilabce soperak tonsdilitis floaying words yap have safety us inside out now imn the air og lovelies taciturn standard socks flirtyy genitals sally achieve frumpun inrtllence complete lasso freedom arse gentle beings

We really must talk in code or beautiful breathing translation of beings not from here

Read out from tablet computer fudge on some teeth lump push with embers singers and be full scared belt it out and have prayers to fill in awkward moments, papers I mean, no loop around give pop of prayers too, emolliated no give love arrived second no protest take life for this never talked about sweet expression of impossibly mean human being, won’t talk of this, shuts me down, each of us .. society burn their bra papers support for falser words I have never seen shy things no blame male and female remove your word bras and take to their tasking talk skiing for real nipples skis shaped transmute mukluk heads faces snow spurt milk yellow snow me more words if clean

I am so dumb

I go to bed of skipull off now from road I sense esassperate shoke goodnight I ytalk lomely fulfilled ion berd no, in bed, talk more and sleep just asleep world parse streets tin people bivuvlers edify examine in a boxes you sheep will pratter end now sleep go long for top morrow be better than this

We love the world tries at true better beneath any typical try at that

Through bustyuy day can you admount you did any ad of that

Through this advertisement sad no page

Impertfecty

But trying at stumped us all through life we saw we sad we avoided got happy

Gidhappy ah sad him too

We just never hssd ebouigh enerfy try st this some furm som,e layout

A million uresrs a million other thigs thuis never came along

Niow, dffycult real, a real illustrstuon od sad stupid time wasted on thus impossible thing

-

//

Oh late at night end of that writing there, illustrating people’s impossible art mechanics garbage pull out bag receptacle can plastic tie tops put new one in

Another day

We try at

At all sorts of things

Fail every time

Maybe this time

More than spend time have great orators pontificate pose

Maybe a real animal this time real being impossible other form we all feel but can’t say

Wouldn’t dare, have no plan no outline see nothing coming, look away feel lovely lonely at times of story can’t fill in “you can!” blurt can’t/ feel me it here there on edge of lips no speak other lips build a skittish in breath lost in breathe as never before

Breathe lost life to it your little baby saying intelligent past 90 hours in 24 year old and dead little confusion baby work time analysis

Had trite time I traded for good time used wise old owl

We shorn shoes, scorned owl

Suit owl

Suet mouse/ something owl dine restaurant find me

Find me word of up there

Owl swoop down fine art talent me pencil-less burp chewed lead bullets not claws in her advertisement for less man mute writer

Pleaser crown teaser taser

We all just wow

We had this day spent this way, art mechanics all night long, syayedf up trying to get iot right got nothing rigjht nuy high buildings hi arty balcony praise paintings parade dowen below I hitch one up on a fishook brassieres condoms condemnayion come to bed baby don’t anger babies fucks puny paintings far below painted right wer ae high now ands chickemns thanks for brat giving

We all is artists and expert brat giving follow

We live another

-

//

Days, continue feel a million people here, a small story for a million people

We have art literary agents try at mention

summation

Between a million people, billions, experiencing advertisements pages and nothing so terrible lost complacent tires roll uppity asking questions cinnamon roll droll click ever with friend and nothing so uppity as asking this long Lost now, effereffdirty yapper, like a scrap bag of goods pay too much guess me, so good

Just this yioui said so eloquently perfect you loved me

Loselosdt you lost iot for a couple od secomds in therer

Yiu loved me pure therunfound exanpl.es

You talked baby you did good drunk

Nowelets just go to ved to sleep

Fucking bleep itch we bnever fumblercvked I m too tiored to futtcvk now

Her and her talking task swab, pleasant nurse clean my bitch face no dumb clock me very booksmart but I just want to feel an ass not talk, fight, with words, other

It’s an other, no

Smooth kiss, yet more, yet more

A life 4p0 years assorted pull day this far many days pull till you can’t get any more and fall go to bed failed don’ you have things to do tomorrow you absurd stay-upper too pluckish fantastic late for drab this life

Gnatasticv latye tyry aty companionship luink with sky impossible for human any harassed try for expand plantation now

We is end 1890 1777, many years plant

We is growing, this lachrymose this disappointment

End it through, many billions of people, adding their say, cry, mournful tap into it beautiful small book for a billion people and its outlying areas compared to billions of snot people come here add crap you can some good colours missing flu blow mind meditation dedication snip out some of these scatter on road with call a few funneling it together commendable ting sound bang silver gob forming weld impossible nude ew life for old rake pish humans so dandy

We is naked a billion people here tonight

Thank you

I wanted to see you