ah art you know? who knows what art is? We all have our opinion

Drawings, like money, or put your heart into them, drag them down to the art gallery, feels strange, you sit at home, put some mystery you into the papers, a mystery good you, deep, worth it .. then you’re an insect, squashed, when you were such a great white horse, take em down there, show em to a bean counter, he’s lecherous, but good guy, what did I just say, he’s reading this, no I have no gallery right now, just remembering some types, I think they like to drink, I think they like to have butter spread over them, and money, while parading you like pretty things, have colour sense, shit colour, wipe your ass, be alone, the popularity of photographing shit in a toilet was way low “you know I just don’t want to see it, it’s not shock value, it’s not anything, I don’t want to see taxidermy either, little animals, like a mouse, in a piece of jewelry, its fur its dead look, okay I find out later you only work with animals naturally died, it still doesn’t help I don’t like it, I saved one photo, a sparrow wing spread out, affixed with silver jewelry metalwork, these things, it was pretty, a little chain with it, arc of chain beneath it a brooch, I was not so freaked out, but the rest yeah I’m freaked out, ah I’m freaked out by death.  Oh, I remember seeing my poor dad.  I was good to him.  Placed a hand on his shoulder there, he was in a gown in the casket, I rented the casket you know? oh he was being cremated, but you had to view the body first, make sure it was him.  They had pine boxes, literally, I didn’t want to see him in one of those, you pay extra for a nice coffin, even though it has a pine liner you don’t see.

And anyways, you rent the pretty wood coffin, a nice fine coffin, polished, some kind of walnut maybe, you know? Respectful, pay respects.  And I do my work here.  Pay respects to the world, some people fully alive, verve, others not.

You give them, a good book.

To exist in.

-

So, here’s a little more writing.  Offline.  The book.  Private.  Has some caring.

And we just walk around in life too.  Public.  So yeah, these two drawings, ah, exhausted piss in toilet.  It flushes.  Good.  Nothing more to it than that.  Toilet flushes shit and piss away, you clean your cock, I mean wad of toilet paper get last drips, clean your cock, don’t want drips in underwear, hey the house works, you work too.

So other drawing ah a boxer strange insectoid freakoid boxer stands up for himself “where you going?  can I come too?”  Hanger-on, to life, as I am, not so much following other people, but literally hanging on.

-

//

7:25 pm

Oh there’s a lot of people take a long time to get going, like you see in the paper, or on the internet, some singer died, 71, singer, musician, lyricist, oh whatever you call him, but his poor life too, he suffered, things didn’t catch on “they said he was in a great band” but nobody bought the records, at the time his stuff wasn’t allowed to be played on the radio, some pretty tough subjects, went on but weren’t talked about, oh rough peculiar strange, in some circles, some not, he just wanted to succeed, like anyone, make a living, have a home .. ah, not be scared, keep going

So sometimes I check it out, look up “i money earth” with quote marks round it, then “imoneyearth” doesn’t really need the quote marks, ah life, nothing there, but my stuff, hemhhemh, funny, ah just like millions of people, where’s the traffic to their site? Who’s talking about them? ah “attention-seekers” me too I guess, it’s not good, you can spend your whole life, seeking attention, not love, “what’s the difference?” a lot of people would say, they function, get around, sleep in a lot of beds, always a next person to go to, they hide it, not enough people will ever know, to stop them, or put an interruption “attention-seekers” ah, destroy lives, destroy their own, but you know, functioning, their phones are full, people call, want them over .. and so life is, easy things, non-committal sex, don’t have to worry, it’s free, ah to all but those that care, are hurt, hurt bad, what a world.

Life goes on, pick yourself up, that and police showing up, following, ah it’s enough to really bring you down, police “trying to introduce you to people” ah shucks, you shouldn’t have/ but it’s no joke, it gets to be, you trust no one, too many combinations, dead-ends, fears, of surveillance, of walking surveillance machines, people, it’s not so much a joke, the shows on tv, where the spy girl she sucks some guy in, like he lives in the United States, she’s from Russia, but has a fake name, does an American accent good, she actually lives with him “or they fall in love” “they get married” you know, on tv there, they even have children, little spy children, don’t know what mommy is doing, ah the horror stories, of no love .. strange how that can work, she can stand it, fit in, act it .. wow, must really be bitter sometimes “this is not the fucking guy I wanted to end up with” ah shucks, wow, if he discovers, does she grab her gun from her purse, shoot him? Did he even know she had a gun? Ah fuck, you know that things like that actually happen? Like corporate espionage? Someone saddle up to someone high up in the corporation, I mean women are pretty beautiful, I can see how you can get suckered in, they’re so pretty, you want so much to get a hug, you know? they’re so pretty warm if you get to liking each other go out on a few dates, hey it could happen sooner “make love” or “make lust” what’s the big deal, they say, you know, go out with 20 people, till you find “the one” I’ve heard of people, let’s face it, I’ve slept with people, they’ve had a thousand partners or more, “partners” that’s a weird word, what do they remember about them, what kind of keychain they had, is that what they focus on, keychain, purse, wallet, credit cards, bulge of wallet, neat, or too much junk, could be, colour of wallet, do they have a red one, are they a woman likes lots of purses, anything, anything, not see them, their faces, not pay them any regard, their faces, who they are, just be blank

Just keep going

Yeah I hear you

Keep going till you die wish it would change never does

Can’t see can’t get help can’t ask anyone the right questions

Can’t

No I don’t want you to come over

It’s over

I found out long after you should have told me

Didn’t know, how to be honest, what a new concept

Some things are new beyond any new possible

You’re going to live your life, nothing reaches you, you read this, your reader self is heavenly engrossed in it, your reader self, no one ever touched, like to have it have its life

-

/endf’ snippet/ 7:55 pm

-

//

/so that’s that writing, offline, part of the “deep book,” so-called, or life-giving, a house a home a place to piss in, no not on the floor, do your best to keep it tidy not doing that good pick it up get life together, still grieving, for dad, august 9^th this year, it’s now october 29^th, and my mom, January, 10^th, 2002, oh boy .. just keep going, their legacy, good people, not drinkers, gamblers, carousers, not perfect, and seen pain like us all, but my mom loved her little family, was beaming in all the photos with us on camping trips sitting on the picnic bench with us, little kids, sweet pictures, warm, homey .. /and then now.  ah, I do okay.  But art.  /Yeah, Janey says, character from the book, or outer book, or close to internet, on internet “yeah” she says “I’m here .. alone ..” yeah eric, she says “I get it a little make art, make headway, ah life after death, I’m only 20 or something what did you say my age was before? Anyways I sit here charles gone for the night gone to visit his girlfriend, no there’s nothing between us no hanky panky do the spanky wanky no /oh am I going to masturbate tonight no, thanks for asking though ha /home to myself apartment third floor up 4 floors walk up what shit, groceries and the like, survive, have a noisy neighbour, then they move out, silence, two days, we wait .. ha, we all wait, /but yeah eric I don’t get the book, the fucking book.”  lemme walk around a little, I been drawing all day, advertisements, at work, sit there in the office where they can keep an eye on me draw pictures for vacuum cleaners, they want me to emulate 1950’s ads, but with modern people, modern equipment, so I draw it, thought I did good I enjoyed it as much as you can that shit but the boss. Hey eric this isn’t going to the blog is it, the boss might read it, I like him, he’s good to me, /but he might reject my drawing, so like I scan it in, and erase part of it, do a new part, blend it in, like surgery, on poor characters, mommy the vacuum cleaner pusher ha ha drags it around keeps her drugs inside goes to all the apartments 70 unit building ha the old bag or new young chicky I’d love to put that story in, can’t, the manufacturer wants a pretty picture, here’s me sluggardly hangover or doubts tired grind my teeth at night who the fuck knows sleep alone don’t want some smelly man smell his ass crack wake up halfway through the night swear I can smell his ass crack want to get a toothbrush and soap, scrub it spread the cheeks not turned on at all, have him on a plastic sheet he doesn’t wake up fucking elephant, skinny but I’ll call him an elephant hose him, the elephant plays with the brush, kind elephant intelligent, hose him, in the zoo, my bedroom.

So what was I saying fuck eric I don’t know what it all means I’m too tired at night been through too much the day my dead-end job “all my great talents” I like you eric you do the work yeah you could say you’ve got a fucked up life and you’re too old but you know “take time off” “30 years a bit long?” hey maybe not maybe it would take me that long too, face life, to the death, feel it, real-on, right to the end, so messed up, so sad, still got  few good years in you whatcha gonna do?  For me, eric good friend, I have no time, yeah I might sit down now and watch an hour of tv, but I have no time.  My mind is reverberating with pain for the day, being ordered around, being put down, the boss saying he wants a different take on things, he’s not warm, he’s just ordering around I don’t want his warmth his hand on my ass or his breath so close to me on my drawing board I can feel it, fucking yeah, “it’s a modern agency” keeping up, got all the toys, daycare, gym, I don’t see any of the fucking money, he acts like I should be pleased, work at a prestigious place, has its own secretary, sit at the front there, the big glass sheet up the agency name engraved on it, hello baby, that’s the name of the agency, no, ha ha, but we’ll keep it, hello baby.  Sad for you baby.

Are you sad for me eric?

I read your book sucker I don’t know what to do with it land in it, a spot take up on it sections ah fucking bloog you write there okay take some of that then dig into the deep book behind it we pay for that one yeah that’s your plan I steal it right now loser doeey baby/ dewey baby? No “sorry baby” the real me comes out with yiu now baby I’ll try a bitch a batch of cookies hard-ons finger up through see my cunt dripping violate chocolate in, warm, cookies no love fegor you eric eat s ciookie vbaStard bastard wrtestker, love you baby flip me cnvas nat/ l;ong diostance throw baseball to the plate a tjhousand miles away/harder to be nice, I value you.  /silence/ she walksd ariynd plays in sxpellingwith a few little thinfgs, comes back.  /miss me? /yeah./ listen I bgitta go too./I lover yioui say iot like you mean it/dint fucking csre it bsrely keepsme alive, I’d rsther do nithig else though, baby.

-

travel with us, story of something else

Oh we get on with it “our story” I mean pretty hard to avoid it, walking around, if a curb’s there, step down off it, adjust height you’re expecting, by 4 inches, I mean this is reality right? Lots of situations like that right? are we maturing and realizing this is not all there is to it?  Are we seeing that?

So here’s a little more writing.  From offline.  In the book.  The book follows us, bouncy bouncy, playful, some other being, imagination, imagination filling in, becoming something, moving, not of matter, imagination for matter, become something in reality, just stays as it is, in imagination, stays there, blinks, says hello, we expect the person to reassure us they are imagining it but they are not and somehow we trust them this time, they are not crazy, and we share it between us.

-

//

2:05 pm

So I did a 1+1, so that coupled with 3 hours 17 minutes magnification, equals 4 hours 26 minutes.  So, get it done, at least get in a 1+1, with the magnification, see these forces, see the little prayer being, ah, not of matter, but we are made, we live life through in bones, flesh, are sure that is what it is, and then the final serious few moments, for a lot of us, it’s old age, some disease gets us, and the last few moments, either conscious or not, last few breaths, we have come to know, oh those feelings, last few weeks, but of time “I’m too tired now” “I know I am going now” and all your life, the bones, the flesh “living” now facing something else, could anyone talk to you about it, ah in scripture do they talk about it “they say you are going to a better place” ah it’s pretty murky, what exactly it is .. and here on earth “yeah we don’t want to hear about things say mentioned in Eric’s book” ah here, on earth, the prayer being, not of matter, we can’t feel it we’re of matter I guess, “never thought about it, I’m just me” ah I can tell you in meditation, even in the depths of it, you go farther and “human just wants to be human” stay put .. it’s like driving down the road, to see a friend, or friends, you’re late, running late, someone slow in front of you on a one-lane road, no passing, ah so it is, can’t roar past them, gun the engine, what do you do, swear at them, call them “an f-in goof!” there you go, it’s so fun, legitimate, seemingly, the human does it “naturally” natters, is mean, ah where’s the ethereal life, ah get with people smile talk, but you feel kind of like an effing hypocrite, you know, pushing at traffic, so angry, to get to be with friends, where you’re happy .. strange life, is any of it real, like when you’re in the car, can you feel the prayer being, eric, can you feel her?  the result, of living, as a human, bad patterns, frustration, death, live for a while, but life is just too much, you know? maybe you’re happy to die, at some point “let me go” “see my maker” “he’s taking me home” what a world.

Oh we do okay, but I don’t expect anyone to mention this to me anytime soon, we are just here, yeah I know, I’m just here too.  None of this.

I feel that, as I try to work it in, you say it in obtuse ways to people, never mention any of this specifically.  You are “all attached to the human way” “see it wall to wall” “no other thoughts, only speculation” not this.

Oh I feel her, live as her, other being not of matter.  It’s nice, feel her purely, but then the human is on the rampage again, the big grey behemoth, lying there in the bed, is sick, but wants it all, doesn’t want any help, only wants human thoughts, human life// ah is he mean to the prayer being? No, not really, he doesn’t even know she’s there.  Takes a lot, to even remember.  She’s there.

“Read me then.  It’s okay.  Take my sickness, in matter, the story of matter the story of human life.  Read me.  Read me like it’s supposed to be done.  I’ll sit still.”

And he does.

The little prayer being sits with him, he doesn’t hit her, doesn’t scream at her, really doesn’t.

Knows she’s there.  Is appreciative.  In these last days of life.  Or none of us know how much time we’ve got.  You see it through.  I’m glad she’s there though.  The unspeakable, it’s a kindness, but still unspeakable.  We can speak about this book, other parts, or vaguely touch on this.  “so how do you like Ottawa?  What’s the weather like?  It’s cool today.”  Yeah talk to a reader, we’re talking about the book, a little.  Touch on parts that are safe.  She loves the whole thing though.  I can tell.

We don’t talk about that.  I don’t push it.  I don’t sneer at her.  I love her.  I love all my readers.

But you know, not a lot gets done, we don’t mention “the other life” I stay as human, she stays as human.  It’s unknown.  When to start “talk about the other.”  ah we most of us, live bad patterns, even saintly, it all catches us in the end, bad patterns, unknown what human life is really, why it had to be this way, why it is this way.

-

You just take it in stride.

Don’t make too much trouble.

A rebel, a rebel writer? no not really, I mean there are parts, but once you see that prayer being you are at peace.  It evens it out.  When you can see her, be with her.  Do the work.  Don’t really want to, even though she is perfect, no 2 arms 2 legs body, just assumed, into a thought, small, frail, she has the colours, inner colours, of organs visited in meditation, she shares your body with you, she is a thought.

All on her own though.  Sitting with you and a friend at a table.  Perhaps.

If a human would mention this, someone that doesn’t meditate, I don’t know what I would do.

Instantly cover up? make a sneer? make a raise of the eyebrows?

Make it funny?

-

Yeah comfortably avoid it, thanks.

Regret it on the way home, alone.

Will I ever?

We many of us have those moments, maybe not in these specifics.  But it is there.  We are not really living life.  We don’t know what it is.  In instant words.  We wish we had.  No.  It is this.  Feel it out.  It is there, gradually.  It is not just instant stupid intelligent words./ you wish you had.  Frail human.  On the edge.  Wish you were strong, in accepted shared words status quo remembered university dictionary caring upstanding warm friend, instead of the weird, that you have.  But won’t say.

Can never work it, to accomplished.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 2:45 pm

-

//

So end of that writing there, offline, oh a different feel, a little, oh, today, files wouldn’t upload properly, those two pictures at beginning, oh they had blotches, it’s weird eh the blog site I mean .. some days some files don’t work other days they do, so it’s 5:25 p.m. here, about, just keeping going, but the extra story, following us along “we’re pretty occupied with this one we got right here” ah, cattle, as well as suburbs, coyotes, as well as sleek sports cars, clothes, or from the goodwill, /all different types of people, some more fortunate, have more money/ yeah the whole story, human suffering, as well as looking the other way, some people innately know how to care, they won’t step off somewhere, ignore, they do their part, they’re there, /and life, who’s there, reliably, ah, the sad coldness .. and now you say there’s a whole ’nother story besides this one? /Well I think of that a sec – .. well bring it on! bring on that other story ! .. ah it’s not quite so easy, like Shae and her little friends, don’t quite understand “they thought this was just supposed to be a book, I was a guy writing a book” “okay that’s fun or could be or it’s your job work hard, like a guy being a mechanic, or working at the big box electronics store, well write your book and include us and it’s fun to read about us in your mind, but something’s not quite right, and I guess with the world too, and do they somehow link together, okay, or no, we still just want you to be a guy with a book, please, we know friends that write too, aren’t you like that?” “get on with life” “hey you eric efwhat the f and many f’s, thankl you loed f ha hsbb yiu know? are you weird or something creekers crazy?” well it’s niot quite like thst, the humsn mind canrt think the other story, that is why this is so long and involved emulates meditation, or is like being plonked down in something, not a book anymore, find your way in this like you find your way in life, and join the two together, for something spectacular/ we are here, without preparation, born to this, like shae and her friends, 16 or so to begin, now 20 into 20’s, or some still young, some older, and whole assortment of people, ages, interests/ but these young girls yeah they thought they knew life “why this shit?” and life becomes difficult just like it is, lots comes up, tragedies, hardships, and some people seem to avoid hard lives, other people it seems heaped on, I’ll never forget that doctor, he said once “it evens it all out, death does, everybody’s got to die” it seemed quite callous, like he was enjoying it, if anybody thought they were better than him, they were going to die too.  It was cold.  It kind of shocked me.  I said nothing.  /Man, if somebody can live to 200, I say that’s wonderful for them, and I don’t think of myself.  I just think that’s great for them./ but all this book, strange story of the prayer being, not made of matter .. shares in our body, our body image, or actually shares “ability to live” “in this context” “of the world reality” “she shares and if she is happy, has a job, speaks, what does it do to us?” “it is quite odd, the chi kung, the seriousness of it, of energy, of sharing with what’s at the edge of the universe, literally, and making a form here, of no known substance, no known matter” like it is, at the edge of the universe there, and everywhere, behind each particle, what you can’t see .. and now you see this here ../ with preparation, with training, or just land in this, plonk, start reading start breathing in this, you are here,/ and yes some easing in period .. we always thought “additional story” was just going to hitch on to this one, / that we already had, reality, human reality/improvements, furthering / like we all want money, but say we don’t, say we have feelings .. uhh yeah, some do .. in the crunch I guess .. you see, who does, but you never want to start “a crunch” just for a test, nah, it comes along, you feel sad for all involved/.. / but yeesh, more money, bigger house, newer car .. those things are nice, clothes are nice, ordering things over the internet, ah what befalls you, slowly slowly you see something else, people touch you, little things, big things, heavy, don’t understand .. and moments, tread on you stop, touch you, gradually, a shimmer to some thing fit why don’t you come, don’t want to be a good person like this here, don’t tell anyone okay, dedicated to a strange arrange new ideal what, or past any excited new, human presents ripped open new no, not even include “all the new things you can possibly have” new you .. it doesn’t fit, it’s not like that area of stores you disappear in become a display stiff, those “improvements” “more money more youth more time to be mister miserable where, I guess sit anywhere the bell tolls actually have the different stump me story, which we never look at get to ..”it appears now it’s not like anything that will or would .. this is so dim different doesn’t shout or whistle from a little ways behind young girl make song, how the mind just is unable works, how I walk could never believe anyone was interested in this at all in re-reality, I kept my head down, I bottled it up sold and stay, with me, or huddled, cold, against all people, or rarely saw a face the imaguffination whirls puts misery away with dances my misery is unchanged and smiles ha, or when shae when meets meditation in you ..

You need a little, read a little, you punctuate you step produce practice the meditation with me never you smile tease me back, you write a little, have all along, you do drawings, no eric that’s asking too much .. it stinks in, sinks in I mean .. it takes many years .. to see we’re not quite what we think we are/ yes live boy/girl or whatever but have time for this too, the other story following us along, the edge of the universe, how we want something “that big” but “it’s just this small” – yes getting good at something is important, your life’s career .. and food is important, getting enough, and having shelter, these things of the body, sleep, but also having some fun with people, socialize, some good times, looking out for each other, being reliable, but special, not all thrills, not gorge and abandon .. /but gradually no gradually, even slower than the first “gradually” ah damn .. not another long time wait .. I’ve seen a few in my life, is it worth it, these long time waits for humanity, with such speed at some things, now wait, even longer, as the years go by, and speed at some things gets ever faster, /fester, rot, at speed, well “your definite placement as your body, son, or daughter, says god or anything, foxes, wild grass, peer at me wild thing, god, doing the trapline, food range, wild, the shimmer of auburn fur, wow you wild, the edges of your legs arms head are sheared by it, to your wild, it touches your raw for a second like here from outer space, not here to eat you, just to look, and talk/ slowly, be peaceable/ no big words we have some but mostly thoughts kindergarten no age 90 young spirit pure .. the edge, the continent attainment land, it’s not so real to come such a distance to you, make it real, you’re scared shae, to move beyond those pipette lines, chemistry even perceive of me more, like sure you have this tiny body on this tiny planet everyone not just shae .. but slowly, “your thoughts” “or aware your thoughts thin out oink then disappear only to speak somewhere else yearns to achoo train be follow believe that be calmness trudge out on trek peer” you don’t depend on thoughts staying at home so much on “I am in this seat” “I write ride or I am walking along this road angels wiper blade” “I am seeing this person in all” “I am talking” slowly, with ham hints, clumvlumit is always gemtke in its ackhints, it takes many hackseessions, bloomonths, and more sad, years yessir ma’am, lots of years imn school, to quizzle this professor nothin, quiz this, puzzle this “whst an odd way to spend your life!” aware slowly, they call it many thigs in theoretical physics I wouls suppose, make up names, try to see titles nomenclature assess .. oh, is sit meditation part of their dog studies sit pet dog you would find clarity, some, or do they always stsy as the human bidy, humsn mind, curious, sesrching, fuir thigs “never gotcha fir it” “guve me thigs fur the humsn, we want thugsthings” it’s ghasrd to slowly see the other stiry, following us parcishalong, I guess one thig thst’s defimnite, it’s niot asbut satisfying our effenchipgo, not at all bag of chips by your side, great man, I am not your chips potato salt and vinegar rdisg sadness.

Rise to sunset much human leisure

-

draw eric excite us in our hearts with bleak imagery sometimes but epiphany

Oh a couple of drawings not really bleak imagery like first one kind of a piano player like mad scientist then a little zen being standing nearby peaceful, then 2^nd drawing ah dumb photo naked lady or art her poor inner life “see me this way” yeah I really do.  Honestly, I really do, get some genuine picture, I’m sorry, for looking at porn, when I occasionally do, ah, lady, people of the world, all exploited, people, women, men, exploited, used, pictures, flesh, like a meat counter, slabs of beef, not only photos, advertising, but relationships, people, no cameras, no nakedness “but have you around” “use you” “never talk to you”

Yeah, we gab.

So, speaking of which, no not really, ha ha, here’s some work from offline, the story there./ yeah we continue on, this online presence some of the book or a certain part its own life, Janey the graphic artist, Merle the more paintings type of thing, ah, her attempts, to be in the paintings, advance, but also see it, as sad, as backwards, sad “a painting of poverty on a big wall in a big gallery” sad, is there nothing to be done “that’s right there’s nothing to be done”

Do your meditation for the day, quietly put in the time.  And share, as best as you can, with us, through this writing.

-

//

Tuesday, October 29, 2013  9:50 am

Oh, to even things out.  Poor world.  All the nasty things, on your mind, ah not that many, ah who knows, what my outside face is, what my inside life is, hopefully some peace, not all “let’s tear women’s clothes off, have them walk naked down the street, well, on a warm day, let’s be kind, and if they want to take off their clothes, then they can, and pay them a big salary for it, oh sexy young things, and let’s let them keep their clothes on, and try to have a job of thinking, sharing, caring, male people too, guys, I mean females like to look at them/ oh I really don’t want to think of naked people right now, naked hairy people, there are some people you just don’t want to see naked, what a strange world, all young sexy girls, take it all off, but it ruins your life, so keep it on, and find love, oh, and life, so pervert men look at porno, and pervert women too, and all kinds of stuff, women find a way, to act like “women” “caring, responsible, soft, warm” but behind the scenes? or work it in? is there anybody that’s not lying, or what do you call it? “society working out” ah if only it was true, there was something hidden in there, that was good, could be brought out, worked on?

Oh, the poor world.  Humans, sick, whether it be cancer, arthritis, or porn, lust, using, throwing away, like child sex trafficking, or human trafficking, or whatever you call it, horrible things, people desperate for a fat paycheck, it’s a very strange world, /some families actually are caring? there’s no rape, no abuse, they actually care for their kids? Or try to do their best.  Who brings up anything.  Even here eric why bring all this up, /life tries to work on “some of it” ah, bring up some of it, like in our parliament lately, the scandal of some senators, part of our political system, oh, people finding out things about them, to do with expense accounts, money .. ah like I mentioned a bit .. yeah, finding things wrong, I don’t know, is it an attempt to look at all of us? oh, what to bring out in the open, I mean really, what to say – do you have some kindness, does it mix in, is it honest kindness, to be depended on?

I can trust you?

Ah, trust.  What to say.  Does everyone not have a hidden life?  It’s just the mind?  Thoughts.  Ah, be nice, think nice things, sometimes, yeah, love kids, cute kids, they’re not so cute, well like a crying baby, could keep you up all night, a new baby, home from the hospital, who’s a quiet baby, who’s a screamer, poor little thing, have to get up, comfort them, mommy and daddy, sharing in duties, and it makes you tired, who’s working outside of the home, who’s working at home, taking care of kids, holding down the fort? Ah, a family, and communication, doing our best, why look at all this eric who has time?  A woman a man who has time say what share what you live you don’t say very much of this you’re lonely at it but good at it say it feel more at peace, with the honesty, but with who, ah, blog readers, book readers, people come to book signings, never know many of them though, art shows, come on like “we have solved the world” “this is really special” but with each other, not much is said, and world goes on, busy, not much is said, underbelly stays intact, not much is said, no way to deal with it, do humans like being liars? Messes? bad patterns? Read in meditation, for a delicate little prayer being to come along, yes it is my life.

She comes along, sits quietly with it all.

-

She is pure, there’s not a lot of lust, none, she’s not regretful, doesn’t miss it, just doesn’t have it, cares, but it’s not a woman or man thing, it’s just ancient stuff, from outer space, or beyond, just the edge of the universe, not taking cues from humans, it’s her own world, caring, pure, high and mighty, but I’m not making fun of her, at least there’s someone like her.  In my life.

Oh with people I mean you sense “some of them good” not sure, you’ve seen some pretty good acts, didn’t suspect a thing, or well something was wrong, didn’t suspect it to the extent it was, and all humans tarnished by it .. like in this latest senators scandal thing, they talk of “well this email shows he was lying then, or then at this point he was telling the truth, or it’s a mix, I guess a person can lie and tell the truth all the way through” I don’t know it just seems like they’re hungry wolves, in some way, reporters, news shows, there just seems to be no stepping back, saying “look at our world, here we are again, at this, at a certain level yes it is a news story, go for it, but at a certain level, we are just thieves, creeps, news people, want any content they can get, gossip, facts, seem upstanding, fine line, are you too mean, what are reporters, and what is philosophy, faith, and fuck it all, no word for it, step back, be away .. I’m just glad I have the little prayer being, she’s precious, Shae Jasmine I call her ..

Oh, that she quietly comes, maybe doesn’t say much, just be, a presence, not like us, not from here .. ah with all our questions, who’s honest, who’s good, who’s lying, who’s hiding, who’s hit a rough spot, will be lying for a while, but will be better .. ah our public life, our relationship life, who’s to trust, invest trust in, even go over that line and trust them like they deserve to be trusted, ah or do you have a sour view of humanity, it’s sad, sour view, disdainful, and realize you yourself, look at you with sour view too, try to be good, what to say, what life to have, what to express, but truth, all the way to the edge of the universe and beyond, do the work, in hardcore chi kung meditation, and then “your humanity” seems easier to take.  All of us seem easier to take.  Looking at us.

Oh the little prayer being shae jasmine not interested in seeing shaved pussy of young girls all shaved hairless except for head of hair all styled pretty they are perfumed perfect smell great everywhere and rape them pummel them use them kill them [uh right here, editors note I don’t mean that literally, “kill them eat them,” it is a criticism of society, barely covering it up that is actually what they are doing, like the male lion eating the lion cubs, his own kids, if the mother doesn’t keep him away, bare her teeth at him, attack him, /so yes, we are fucking crude, but through this tapped book, there has been trouble with police, misinterpretations of language what I have said, so I am DEFINATELY NOT advocating killing, raping, okay? I am making a statement AGAINST it, it just takes some time work it through, as usual writing goes, no, clumsily overexplain it here, okay./ it hurts, and maybe I’m overreacting, but it’s scary, feeling threatened, for writing just honest work.  Crudely blatantly honest, work with it, have the skills shock offend but work it through have the reader still with you, work it through to something, gentle truth, epiphany .. if possible .. maybe not, over entire 90,000 page book and blog too, the world, accompany us, not a book, not a friend, not a god, nothing.  Really, the words as nothing. The explanation as nothing.  But with you.], or some form of that, gobble up, I mean literally eat them, or figuratively, a lust to consume, even down to young girls, whose lives are ahead of them, need to live, another 40, 60, 80 years, need kindness, a soft life, at home, at school, no leering, no backstabbing, no criticizing, ah left out in the cold, friendless, ostracized, or what do people want you to be like, to fit in, and what is your own mind, your own way, what does it take, to develop it, what is so strange, looks at things truthfully, but doesn’t fit, horrendously, for such a long long time .. little prayer being, sweet, who do you share her with, readers, over this format, but a life, at the dinner table? with my kids? no, I have no kids, /with my wife? no I have no wife, /oh is this some idealistic world, no not really, you can see from the writing it’s pretty rough, and I’m not wearing rose-coloured glasses for Shae Jasmine, little prayer being, no it’s a hard-fought life hard-felt pain, destroyed me limited me so she is a careful saviour for me for all of you, her in you, your name for her, each of us have them, tender quiet don’t regret the poetic nature realistic the energy of chi kung circulating in your body past all the fantasies it is hard work to have her in your life the little prayer being.  But this is life.  With all the snickers, lousy humans.  And this.  Share her a little.  In this format.

And “and rape them pummel them use them kill them,” yeah I certainly don’t mean that I certainly don’t do that to young girls, well when I look at porn, how many of those young girls “were overly convinced”? “shoved? a little?” “told lies” “made to believe things” ah, all the mixture “which ones wanted to do it” “or felt at the time they were pleasing someone” ah later in life, or through the years .. oh questions in their mind, forming, as they still do stuff, maybe they don’t want to see, it’s too painful, once their mind woken up to it, it’s too painful to look at it, to heal.

-

So once in a while I look at porn, what, do I look at it all, mature, lesbian, babes, fetish, ah for chrissakes sickening all of it moneymakers found a weakness in us, see naked girls, women, my god, get out in there in life, care, ah who’s to care about and trust who’s to ask “can you reveal your mind” “and a little but farther, to a prayer being” “yes honey that far I need that, do you need that too” poor fucking world, unforgiveable, unaware, to this extent, share this, work into this, over thousands of pages, sad “I need not hide it all now” “somehow I work with it” “let me have the weird prayer being with me at the table, please” “ah that’s just meditation, eric, that’s just in your meditation, you sweet boy, sweet confused little boy” yeah, I’m 53, sweet confused?, nah not really I know you can’t do this, can’t have the little girl prayer being millions of years old, wise, beyond compare, can’t develop her .. yes I can.

I am you know, and “and rape them pummel them use them kill them,” oh the little prayer being come sailing in I love you little girl androgynous slight small skinny thin like “a zen prayer girl” no joke no style no trend use the words by people not even know what they mean/ ah hardcore but in a different way from hardcore porn or something, no not at all, that makes me sick to think of it .. but now we have hardcore meditation, oh don’t say that what do you do rape her? the meditation being? film it? ah crap// anyways, my palette all messed up now, taste buds, mind, she’s dirtied, poor thing, I still haven’t done the sit-down part of the meditation here this morning, but I’ve started the magnification, that section, oh hard work, writing this, thinking this through, being this, this is my life, not bad, I like to just say things, get them out there, but you pay the price yeah, you live some of this, but no I don’t have a well-worked-out family, zen kids, zen wife, she meditates too, she talks about it, we share deeply, no sorry to say, it is in this format that’s all.  So take it for what that’s worth.  Fine line any progress at all, skinny fine line barely any merit to this as usual.  Or is it.  Ah with the surrounding things happened through these years, the “Shae” girl, in the park, the real live human, young, wanted to meet me, somehow got this tapped book, from my computer, from the stripper girl, Janis, yeah a long story, and police, interest, in my counterfeiting from way back, long gone, but them still suspecting, and my papers now, my drawings, hardly “fine lines” “bills” I’m past it, but I still need to live, sell this, sell the art, maybe you’ll see me, some day, in a gallery, ah, same as usual, a lot of facades, moving about, show art, write books ..

We see the world, yeah we see the world.

You know the truth.  We both know.  All of us, reading this, fantasy, very close to life, slim progress, almost lived it in life, yeah let’s stand there stare at a painting, almost lived it in life.

We can say very little./ but a lot.  You’re uncomfortable near me, as if I’m suddenly going to say it all!  Ha ha.  Don’t worry, c’mon, I reassure you, over time, my public image, I say none of it at all.  If I eventually have a wife, kids, I say none of it at all to them either, sorry dear, sorry kids, daughters, sons, if any at all, if any wife, girlfriend, friend .. people .. sorry, I couldn’t say any of it at all .. just like you./ very tenuous book right on the line of saying it having a life with it this adult nature past tv shows people flying through the air bending iron bars where’s our true unmentionable progress never going to say it deal with sitting with each other being this oh do it to do with matter what we are made of what the table is made of, what the air is made of and going beyond it with our mind spirit say this break the reality strict rules not by police not by politicians just us all of us world reality that a greater game is being played or kindness or unawareness things watching don’t know what to make of us for we are not real matter is made up we are actually them not made of matter .. so how do they appear here, do you go that far handle that talking to me in a fast food restaurant about this?

No.  We just sit.  We enjoy this, reading thus.  But life, no.  Wherever you are , 55, 22, your life goes on, and it certainly isn’t this.  So it is.  We enjoy watching poor sad old eric trying this in reality poor sad lost loser eric no don’t say that too mean he makes his money is careful not expose too much of this not be crushed “he knows the game” “play the game” “promotion, secrets, mystique” play the game get nothing done at all sell or nothing really nothing stark alone truth poor.

-

/endf’ snippet/ 11:30 am

-

//

/okay that writing over there, offline, here we are halfway again to blog, to internet, in separate file ah the feel of things, but a lot of writing there, and our lives “you can do nothing about all this eric”  “you’re certainly not the one that’s going to do anything about it” on we go, just someone, something, around, a presence, not really doing anything, the big thing, it is good we have charities, governments, a lot of them help out, some don’t .. ah keep going.

A presence.

In this small book way.

Words like particles in the air, like smog? No, not like smog, ah maybe a little I’ll give you that.  Life goes on.  Meat and potatoes, veggies, all veggies, all of it.  Forgive forget advertising meat veggies in advertising what is that a cucumber with her in a nude photo? Oh eric you’re so crude we all are.  Same day as usual.  Say some intelligent things.  But a lot of it isn’t.  Same day as usual.

A presence, a book, not a book, unknown.

Here.  A little more.

Hey you weird invisible creature in book!

anyways, Janey and the pastpers past, Merle papers, everyone in .. spiel, lay it out, spill your guts, be embarrassed, we all are

Papers damnit “okay everybody line up soldiers stand straight give me your art papers” give me your heart, liars, for life, give me a bigger spread.

Are we created, act like god, ah have a say, have a seat, edge of universe, all sit here.

Have a tea, ah, just break bread, break precedence, tell me a little, just impossible to say, humans intent on getting it all done their way.  Be weird, Janey.  Be weird, Merle.  Come out of that sustenance, suffocation, as humans.  Remove the suit, viral infection suit, or human skin, nah don’t do something science fiction weird just hug me in a few words, fuck, it’s all over, for no one it’s never all over to do this.  Fuck.

We stay put, “know” we are these 2 arms 2 legs.  “Know.”

Can’t really design our mind to do the more it’s supposed to do./ or less be a freak embarrassed kicked out of the crowd kicked out of our home married our wife for other reasons had kids for other reasons, can’t tell them, are you gay, dad, no, are you a bank robber, no, do you kill people, no, will you quit asking me all this shit, what the fuck are we all doing?

Walks out of the house, has a smoke.  Doesn’t smoke.  Really.  How do you tell them all this?  You can’t even form it in your mind./ we go on with all this shit, big book, joining blog on internet, thousands of pages, millions on this subject, yawn, you asshole, eric, thanks, we all have nothing to say.

This is a depiction of that.

Perfectly./ noise in your head fucking shut up no not hallucinations just dissatisfaction ah with all the tv sets and laptops, dogtops, my dog carries my tablet, shits on the screen or it’s a cartoon depiction and I’m so fascinated – don’t smell anymore, don’t laugh anymore, dog.  We’re all dead, fucking give me a reason to shut up.  I never said anything.  Gloom, no contact with each other, say none of this, sneak around, offer me a paper “that’s a nice paper.”  Fucking artist.  Nah, don’t call me that, I’m just dead, don’t have this part of my life, don’t ever make it.

-

We try.

-

/by the way, here’s the full text for the paper above.

-

//

..

Thank you very much for playing far respect to near this outher part of where us in kept.

That’s all like a brain creating a thought from a messy hand drawing.

Hello.

Say something interesting we never do we just licking cunt all day long to you.  Never say anything face level respect kneel level are always down your pajamas elephant squirrel mouse praying mantis your clean cunt us horny lick and fungus forest eager I don’t know how to say this you Lucille any name Haley Veronica just choosing names no one I know just cunts along the way when we ever get to anything else in life a corridor a picnic bench respect you it your cunt your body.  our lives.  Our true fucked up lying lives.

Hold me I did my best to curl around find a side there wasn’t a cock on and I was just me

..
//

/ ah okay end of those cutout words pasted down on paper from the little photocopy scan of handwritten paper enlarged .. ah work to it .. I been meditating 14 years now, a little each day, hardcore, 2 hours, 3 hours, a set cycle, set steps I do, sometimes need more, there’s a CD I listen to, but it’s far more than that, as you go through the years, you build a personal story.  It’s quite difficult.  It’s a devotion.

But really, this time, knowing we’re more, and no longer being in awe of it particularly or taking a chance stepping into it with meditation freeing ourselves from these 2 arms 2 legs bodies, no longer being so concerned, so “in it” for 24 hours a day.  So in it, so in life, there is more to it than that.

What is it?

-

And it takes time thousands of pages “uh eric I have a ball game to go to/ uh that movie’s on tonight” we need it entertaining, stupid, I can do that, I’m stupid, as stupid as you “excuse me?” life goes on, fucking on, ah I give you what happens in meditation, take little chunks, the whole story, my odd life, the police, after me for counterfeiting, of currency, I didn’t do since 18, 19, even then, just cameras, old school, no computers, hand done way back when grandpa, and I broke down ophilosophy faith, itches, broke, stitches, repair, fade do art fiddle, find my way, needed time, no I didn’t get married have kids I needed time

-

Whole life went away

For this

-

To see this

-

Ah eric I still got my movie to see

-

Okay

On this little planet 5^th from the sun or I don’t know how the fuck it goes but in meditation to see something, alive live down heck outdistance naysayers be naked safe in your imply eyes spaceships brain bored bedroom ship disappear cock flew head was grasping steering wheel cock useful body still be there ah eric you crazy fool feed us make us get it, get some, ulterior not strip down in any known way, need this, now, in something else go lipids nutrition you don’t even know those words I know give detail texture chef dumb words taste apply temporary tattoos in brain canals run step around luminescence daggers with stamping gentle fuzz static machine you utilized my sultracoopl unseen garage cub brain love you baby unborn a meagre thought here love you gradually in there reader words make their way across space into your brain we external tether watt give bright whistle thistle scratch pour these finder eff words go be kind offer me university sit garbage slap universal high man screw as 3 year course seven life in here, a 14 year old prayer being girl a million years old sit with us you stare lick lips no not screwing with her delicate meditation haze hey hopefully meet her all of us in time blather bleed come to birth menstruation words egg but all of us wide all ee assortment coaster drip go there for us eric chemistry alchemy blend you are the vituperative cranky love god ha ha just kidding give me encouragement as a bleep of man and don’t commit duoicde what was that word from lonelinesdbe interested in this eric hold to it, hold on, we all hold on with you, earth holds on with you. whee etes dssapesr live e,ty spce happy, see the thig, not made of matter anythug we see words gwently misspelled we think is true in our dtiory

more pages, Janey

“Ah I’m alright” Merle says to his good little friend, janey, ah fuck, things he says in his head says to her it’s just frustrating running a gallery or running an art show he doesn’t run the gallery he just postures says he’s the king of the gallery the uptown gallery all of them, hold court quash the others drunk pour alcohol on them their naked bodies the sexy ones ah do you live forever what the fuck is all of it .. in the midst of it .. yea .. in the midst of it .. who steps out .. not to abandon their career .. but tone it down a bit, be less conceited, ah hide all your insecurities be confident have cash no one can question you .. why slink away in the night, or in the day, to meet with Janey .. what does she know, sweet girl, don’t be rude to her don’t say “well I been beaten down by life I can feel the jackals at my door, why not tear apart this child, or no, hold it back you creep, bite your tongue, wear ordinary clothes an ordinary baseball cap, meet, no chauffeured Bentley, meet.

Who the heck does that, in midcareer, who steps out of their life, busy wall to wall, money meetings new shows spend time in the studio, spend time promoting, and this?  What is this, a mid-life crisis?  Questioning?  This small child, bring me papers, from some guy that meditates, she doesn’t know, receives it over tapped computer, it is her papers, it is his papers, not clear, world, fiction, possibilities, anything happen, we’re all stuck, see things as we do.

So Janey I’m sorry about the other day.”  “it’s okay.” They meet at his studio he called her up they walked by the canal a bit sat on a bench cool autumn weather but some sun, he apologized, he apologizes again .. you know, he has slips, he hates the world, it’s fucking hard.  So he looks at her paper she brings today. “I like it” he says “it’s got good balance.  Did you steal it from the guy?”  “What?  Eric?”  “Do you know him?”  “Sort of he doesn’t recognize me he doesn’t recognize any of us, I mean we don’t go to his front door he’s in some kind of fugue or something is that how you say that?  But he’s been damaged.  But he writes pretty damn good.  And has these papers of ultimate freedom, they’re very playful.  Considering the shit he’s been through.”  “Hmm.”  Merle looks at the paper.  Sits with her.  “Do you want a coffee?”  “Sure.”  So he makes her one, and they sit and talk.  He’s glad he has this studio, away from it all, just not many drop by, secret studio, or dropped off the face of the earth, merle, merle jacket, merely a jacket, on a record, on a book, on a life, we all are, he listens to this young girl, prayer being, in his insanity.  Let her live, Janey, ah let her live and flourish out there, young person, doing art, coming up through the ranks, found something strange, calls attention to her, give her a name, let her live, promote her, her want to express the prayer being, something from deep in strict chi kung meditation .. ah she lives, wants to know it, talking to her friends, sitting in a living room, chatting, having drinks.  I mean, really “I don’t have the 3 hours a day, more” she says “to meditate.”  Merle just looks.  He understands.  Glad he can grasp her this way.  Hug her.  Her meaning.  People out there.  On the street.  In lives.  Where is the prayer being, dare to see her, not drink, not high, dare to say her in regular dealings “can I say my prayer being?” do I even know how?  Have tried, been stymied, dropped dead by friends, didn’t understand you, what the fuck?  Prayer being with us, in fast food joints, restaurants, home, in the bathroom, in the shower, hey anywhere, poor thing, not so easy, created from deep meditation, wants a place in this life.  To exist, not feel awkward, feel it out, say her words, one day, feel it out, just be “I’m living, I don’t seek for nothing, I just want to say my floating words.”

Whole book.  Feed it in.  To society.  Other world.  Standard magic, not magic, our creepy world face it do anything in it by its rules.  Whether it be gravity finances clothes love, everything standard, held to it in reality.  Do anything there.

-

You can’t.  Go see a movie, fucker.

No.

-

This time we try here right where we are ah poor humans need another little being that can do it.  Ah from the edge of the universe where nothing is real as we know it.  Yes, that is actually happening.  And here too?  Little inferences, come around, little friend, in meditation, is she satisfied, go out to life?

Is this crazy?

-

No, eric we leave comments love you baby you weird damaged finished human.  Not finished yet.  Hey today try to do some exercise, take a shower.

-

We’re still here.

Listening.  Watching.  Hoping for you.  Hoping for us too.  This is in us.

-

Yeah you don’t recognize us or odd arrangement we read your stolen book, stolen by the lovely Janis, stripper getting a bit older, looking for other line of work, likes to write herself, did she keep at it, it takes a long long time, to find your voice.  In any of us.  Go away, have a heap of trouble, fester, or develop.

The world stays put “never went away” but festers right where it is doesn’t develop is working churning, peace to be stunned stop dead rest breathe, then back to the churning heaving never this

Never this

-

 Meets the heaving churning “hi” to the thud thugs pretty girls accountants waitresses walking home this not on their mind never

-

From samples someplace other than plates fries earth take out eat in .. developed .. here