art put on a wall or me I stride forward and speak

Oh do I stride forward and speak? no not really I’m kind of dead oh never had a life no that’s not true, I worked, on these things, unfolding now “later in the day” as you might say, all of us, past what we usually do, and past even “taking time to find yourself” like go to some foreign landscape and paint pictures .. ah, inside is a mystery, it’s not even human, we like to think with all our development of medicine, and cars, foot pedals for brakes, gas, ah all of it, human complication, we like to think “we’re on this track”

So also these little drawings above .. ah first one the sort of black thick line showing the animal screaming in a way, at the numbers behind it “numbers of life” and down below two figures walking through the forest, yeah that’s good, but even that, a bit obscured “as all the way good” “the forest will solve it” well yeah as it’s been encroached on, torn down, and other things, thinking sleeping with the bears will calm you .. it’s a brutal life in nature, we like to visit, but maybe a city park, you know, a bit rough in spots, but not really rough enough for bears to subsist, wolves, so yeah, do your thing, see nature, but qualified “just a little bit less than ‘real nature’” yeah, and our lives “real nature” of us in us – no.

Ah the second drawing, oh sparkles, and miswazzwguch any a figure in there a weird cartoon face, ah is there phallic things? but life and our papers damn eric it’s just shit a scrawl a signature on bigger things, do you talk as something, damn backwards human,/ do you ever get to it or flow along with suits and handshakes it’s all stimulating it’s all what it is I am alive I guess I wouldn’t dare mention anything else insert a place pipe up nope not me eric, the busy humans should be doing this now moving past all this now .. or keep it going, same level, where’s the rest I CANNOT MENTION CANNOT EVER MENTION .. oh I do a little here .. at least I’m not blowing up things .. this is my “protest” or moving farther into, though as another being, yeah, the human couldn’t do it/ wha/ explain eric/ no .. oh here and there in here// yeah you do art, but more as a signature “yeah there is a bigger being more important being behind this in each of us uncomfortable to state it work on it, beyond our physical form/ but do you talk as something?/ whst I jusdt told you ha ha

And the third drawing again is it a man lying down with a womn a skirmish “lovig sex?’ bang nng swest hump, okay, /whstever tryig ti grt some rest sme love based on physical furms and I hold a mind insude ayttched to my surface and something else that I know nithig sbout .. at this time our lives are filled iup 24 hours a day with humsn wants and needs, and longing condosion/ confusion/ better words than I could ever think of,. Something not m,y form/ bklasnkness yeah everywhere,. Onthios to introduce it/ belief past belief/ thst well too/ so whast else,/ no give us more of that, no/ well/ yeah papers it’s an original can I tell is this the one scanned trde never get to the part youz where we talk, odd craz nit humsn talk, try to perdom/ perform? per diem?, as the other eccentricitytity too many we all are “uh, yeah, sure” no we hsve a psrty fur the art, ah, walk sround, sp champagne asdrinks, do we, an open bar/ hey wheres the rest wjere4;’s us? msrry the paintigs,  stunnedah really look all this I talk asbout is impossbkle.  I;ve duyed, yeah I;m still livng ohysiclly more or less ast this point, Octiber 13, 2013 ,, but you know  “to evem grt ti the part” “where we really float talk, as something nit humsn, deep in, nit from here,/ oh don’t say thisd anymoreeric don’t/ we have made life its standard now/ nit from this dimenion” hm the eyes roll, people piss themselves in laughter/ people are so sure “we are just as we apprar wallet wall are” I mean, the purpose is to get mnore oil out of the ground of me and sell it on my face, isn’t it? I meam the purpose is fur shapely minks weaselswomen men ti be sold, photograpgh them, psy them alittem but spit them out, use them up/ I mean we hsve our wotkd’s grand purpose, dont we?/ and we are such hgrsnd emtitioes?/ grand entities And no, and what will visut,, whst within us will vsut, will you sit and talk to mne weird? No, never we bopth ewant it all want it cant form it daring far beyond highwire act in our voices faces/ I memtyion this in a booik, I certaiinky dint say it to anyine in life, around them, I toe the line, just like you do in life.  I do the same.

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So here’s some writing earlier, I did offline, (this judt begire it was dune halfway in a dufferemt file I really feel these things it sffects me, or mybe I am blending more, coming forward more, “talking” no.  Like I say, I toe the line, do it usual, we all do.  Did I insist?  Oh my life yeah, I asked for this.  Put in the request, with people.  In a way.  So yeah, I have done more.  I am there, almost.) since the last section, last entyry on this blog. (this is some more offline)  It’s about 3:05 p.m. here right now, Sunday afternoon, Ontario, Canada.

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/ 

12:50 pm

So I did some meditation, the further part, the sit-down, after the magnification part – the magnification part was 2 hours 7 minutes this morning, and so with the sit-down, the 1+1, it was a total of 3 hours 14 minutes.  Oh, for some reason here I’m just thinking of a psychotherapist that rents a little office, in a room off Rita’s kind of place there, the spiritual counsellor, /he’s in transition, he used to work at other offices, he’s now building a house for himself and his wife and small child, so he’s going to have an office in the house .. so this is the way it goes, but you know those guys they charge a lot of money, anywhere from 90 dollars an hour to 300, 400 .. I don’t know, so at this time, 2013, that’s a lot of money .. but you know, the work I do, it’s more past the retirement age, I mean, when psychotherapists retire and maybe wonder what it was all for .. ah when my dad retired, he was a teacher, a professor, at a college, physics, chemistry, oh my dad .. but when he retired, you know it took a while, but to just enjoy walks, no there was no physics desks and counters and chemistry experiments, no, it was just walking.

After it all, you know?

After it all.

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And this work I do, yeah psychotherapists and chemistry teachers and all of it, it has a use, but something follows us all the way through, knocks on the door? Ah no one responds, we’re just living life, don’t you know.  And with me I did respond didn’t quite understand it all .. but to tell my dad, say, I told him a little, oh, he knew I meditated, I would tell him what I saw in meditation a little, but it wasn’t really a subject matter humans bring up, like you don’t talk about sex with your parents, I mean with your buddies you do or crude sex jokes, stupid sex jokes, and ah with ladies stumble after asking a little politely, and all these different people “say different things to” and this then?, about the eotu, and the prayer being .. hmm .. where’s the space for that .. where’s the cog in the wheel, the timing for that, which gears do you choose, along the way .. you don’t.  And my dad, when he was dying, not feeling well, maybe sleeping tired, or in and out, awake a little, then not, I would tell him then.

Very telling.

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Oh at the end of our lives or the beginning of them, humans, the extra life, not placeable, doesn’t fit .. ah we need it.  And like Shae, her strong spirit, youthful spirit, but does she live this now, can she possibly live her usual life, job, family, personal life, lover, husband, friend, kids, have kids, as well as this?  Ah, a great question for all of us.

All of us.

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As this world is the way it is, humans, bulldozing ahead without a care in the world or huge stress and dumb progress don’t know what else to do but some good things, like toilets, /clean running water, /sanitation, /as well as drinking water, and heat in homes, and a roof over our heads, ah many things have been done well, I suppose, but all the caricatures and mistakes in it, but some good things, and like doctors, the doctor that did the cataract operations on my dad’s eyes, did one eye first then a month or two later, the other one, so yes, he did a very good job, and some of these doctors go into countries without the facilities or the doctors to do this, and they give people back their sight – that is excellent! /But also, progress stinks, and alas .. we live, humans, why were we made, with allowance, for messes, for life, to try to conquer messes, even ones of our own doing, and on it goes .. who visits that? who or what visits that? do they ever come, in us? this whole book? Each individual capable of this .. but now, I am not a chemistry teacher or a psychotherapist, I am past it, when you die, or within it, when you feel like dying, it is just so terrible, there are no answers from all the assortment available.  Many people face that these days.  They have always faced it.  From all the assortment available, you just turn away.  And die.  Or live this way.

This, the dawning of something.  Small.  Almost unseeable.

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/endf’ snippet/ 1:20 pm

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//

So that’s that writing offline there, ah it takes a lot to speak up, you’re never going to really, our lives are over we do our best “as regular human beings” / do we ever irganize the accepstbke crazxu, refined crazy, into art, and further .. does it ever get to life .. step into it .. quietly ../ it’s nit really “tryig ti be a movie stsr” or “wish you were a midel or something” it’s a universal sadness, / middle top bttom/about the whole thig .. live it through, damn yiou complasiner ha ha

But yeah to start something like this “when it’s all beem dune” “we alresdy hsve all kinds of thugs ti believein and fucking live bhasve s beer was amnythig better ever unveted/ itoxicste me dint fsce amythig, guts” vetted brought furwasrd exposed .. the poor sasd crazy dint want a street person at my door drunk and slurring but I’ll take an artist no don’t evemn fucking want5 you I’m sad fur all of you/ think of something else/ we none of us can/ or slowly yes this pushito “nithig left” “nithig asvaibke” “can come up with nithig” could you spell better erc please, st this time? At this time

We are all just so fasncy sdophiricasted and edeasd, admitted dead we fixed so much made messes so much fixed some more we’re dead .. can’t undserstand our purpose.  Where ti go.can come up with nothing

Abnd the sadness, rejoice ennui nah can’t rejoice fr thast, the exhaustion

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Something to believe in, or leave belief in the human life I am already living, and live something.