The first painting here, sort of a messy city, might as well call it that, “messy city,” all the smokestacks coming up, but a few white splotches in it, as if its some aberration “what is that? are you sure those are supposed to be there?” ah yeah I think it is, it’s a nice world, yeah I know humans are shitty bah be blah but we’re okay too I mean fart methane cows skinny cows model cows old cows, and pretty things, all of us, you do a kindness for someone.
So the second painting, drawing, well I mean quite a mess, then a few lines across it of white, then a few of those underlined, seems to offset the whole mess of the thing, like many of us have some saving grace, fucking dumb, unforgiveable, then “yeah, I guess you’re alright” ah, friends, relatives, fuck you all, then love you all.
Life is a mess.
Speaking of which, here’s some more writing, from this morning, from offline, ah “back in the book” I let very little of it out, just to the people tapping it, the police and the dancer girl, there you go, her friends, computer whizzes, ah really and whoever they give it to, I’m better not knowing.
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(so this is the old writing, from this morning a bit.)
(but also you know “am I rude?” “is that uncalled for?” ah sure it is I’m just me in here you know how it is the internet you think no one is listening “oversharing” yadeyah all of it sure I’m dumb I admit I don’t know what’s best for me or my human feelings inside they’re just there “when to express them?” has the internet been a boon for us or a disaster? / ah life is pretty much still keep it all pent up inside never say it you know that we all know that, this is all just a bit foolish, and I know that! Ha! *smile! We’re all a bit goofy, like a dachshund in a car window, peeking out, looking at you, just like it’s a human./ feelings everything but goofy his long nose and floppy ears you look at him as if you’re allowed to express something he’s like a god allowed with really good kind feelings, ah a second there but they’re really rotten too they piss on people’s legs, their owner’s “ah I thought I saw a glimpse of something there in you mr. dachshund, but no.”)
(so here this later, this is just about some meditation I did. It’s now 2:45 p.m. here, writing this.)
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So I did a 1+1, so that coupled with 2 hours 3 minutes magnification, equals 3 hours 13 minutes total. I do my best. To get some in. To not just succumb to worries “okay I’ll sit here all day and worry.” Wall-to-wall.
No. I try not to do that. What a strange human trait, to want to do that. We all have things, our body, mind, tells us “this will be good for you! you want to do this!” when you really don’t, but your body and mind “deliciously” destroys you. There you go.
Something in you wants to hurt you, onboard. So is that towards bad patterns? Yeah, I guess it is. The human needs no outside influence, inside, they want to wreck everything about themselves. Outside is just extra, or combines, makes it even worse, double worse, triple, everything, headaches, horror, much worse, kill all the humans, from internally, they do it themselves.
Or have it read, by a higher being, inside nature, you find only through meditation. And have to face the horrors. Those inside forces. Want to hurt you.
And so you find peace. Maybe. And this is life. Wild super deep normal. The other creature you might meet up with. “deeper world normal” a different place in there, agreeable, but you only find with much work, and does this book do it for people, follow along, munch popcorn, is this a movie, an entertainment, when you should be doing it yourself? ah, would you want to? “or just try it this way”/ “I think it will happen to me this way”? “view things, certainly I will just understand them in book, and in art?” It never has worked before, but it will work now? / ah we all do our best, I do the backbreaking work, and face this lonely isolated life, but is it, with the eotu, the edge of the universe, and you, dear reader, all of you, can’t contact me usual ways, talk of this, you need to transfer over into a floating words being, the little prayer being “imaginary” speaking the words that stop in midair and become something – yes, the humans launches them, but can you handle it? ah, all this book, stop in different spots “a different world” “a different super deeper world” ah, as if, but we can try.
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So it is you know, jittery, som,e peieces guven, blog, its own life, then this book, deeper,. Deeper in, I;m not comfirtsbkle with it on a blohg, or some of it, yes, I give.. We are these crestuires, hum,sns, possible of something else, but the reality world fights it, ignores it, carries on, with vices, addictions, hardly one good clean wholesome person left, we deal with it as it is, this strange book not a book we’re allowed to “discuss” it here, not quite have it, I feel you in meditation, I feel the world.
But it goes on as it does.
This is nowhere on the radar, not listened to, not seen. Some part of us. Some small chance. The reader self, becomes bigger, becomes more. Has a life. Scary. To consider that. Our comfortable reader self. Buy a book, or find it, and settle in with it. Safe. Do nothing. Just be entertained. Know “it can’t ever happen.” And so it is. The slow dull slog of life nothing can ever happen there. Rich or poor, sink in with your sadness. No changes. But this. Slowly, on the horizon. No, nothing, book as usual. “You are a book as usual.” Not an opening.
From some other place not hocus-pocus magic fantasy novels but certainly actually ruddy realheaving out of breath exhausted this time./ it’s here normal tired hard work fantast firgetten about worked to real
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/endf’ snippet/ 12:50 pm
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/so that’s some writing from offline, way back in there, “safe” or whoever gets it fiddles with my computer okay go ahead take it we all of us need some “communication” this book is natured on that, a deeper nature, unavailable being, to us all, on the surface, we all hold it in there, like a big male elk, with big horns, antlers, reason I say that, ah, the poor guy, one of those animals, regal, stately, wandered into Ottawa yesterday, the city here, into some land, sort of underbrush, sort of open, they tried to tranquilize him but it didn’t work and they had to shoot him, I felt really bad, but it’s mating season for the elk, and the males are really aggressive, they can kill people, literally, so while it’s a beautiful animal, I don’t know, what to say, there are no answers .. no easy answers, that everybody’s going to agree with, I mean killing the animal is “wrong” but then if the animal killed your little 3 year old child picked him up with his antlers tossed him and splattered him against a brick wall then you wouldn’t be too happy either, would you? life is full of these impossible conundrums, no answers, we do our best, to keep each other safe .. /but you know, deep in, what’s there, with you, do you contact some of it, through this book, know my background a bit, are freaked out, or okay, know that humans are full of failures and successes, some a little more failure, or sad cases, trying .. but what’s inside, who gets to reach there, are you a bit imbalanced, travel on your journey, have found more sweeter years these days, but am still a bit rude, as you can see, but hopefully include some niceness/ erk! / but none of us can include this inside place/ it’s a different animal. Ah I’m not saying the police will tranquilize you if you come out, but pretty damn close, whatever’s inside us, whatever being is there, would be pretty damn disoriented on this earth.
You make your best of it.
With what’s there wrap an arm around him or her, be nice to them, but tell them “no no honey my good friend inner self beyond even thoughts we can form, what we are you’re not welcome here you have to be careful.
There are some nice people but even them they kind of draw in a breath looking at you, ah feel the character what she or he might say, a usual human being adopting this character from inside they cannot do.
Ah we try a little here. And yeah, papers, drawings, show in a gallery, and encourage the reader yeah their little scrawls, from pages all through here, ah, when they get more of it, or huge 80,000 90,000 page book entertaining funny daring shit splotch no, no garbage squashed tomatoes, no it’s clean, in its own way c’mon I’ve grown up suffered still have a smile a little yeah guarded some days don’t feel so good but I’m okay yeah. All of us we’re okay yeah. Want this illustrated, brought out, but don’t know how.
I’m one of the daring ones or just fell into it, no bells and whistles here, no fancy website no link to me find me publicize me “ah like in all of us, this is hard to find.” This
You know all your life you work hard make a living put up with shitty bosses jealous coworkers scrambling get your job, say nothing even go out for drinks say nothing share nothing .. then come to this.
Ah a bit shocking at first but stare, /and ease into it “the missing part of myself;f” ahh
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