not quite yet in weird the beautiful calm other being shooting out of us

Ah distortion beauty distortion like in jewelry trends or been around a while “aged looking” “pantinaed” ah maybe genuinely is, but take new things, new brass stampings say of little shapes a bear, give it a turquoise green “verdigras” do they call it, ah use solutions chemicals “natural ones?” is there? .. but with us oh pretty people what distortion do we need, for true life?  We look at Picasso paintings, just kind of shrug.  We live/, it will get to us someday, I guess./ it’s a bit rough like squeeze a clay face, can I return it to normal/ I like it says things it’s not a pretty totally realistic thing but it touches me inside behind the face, it has a lab-language I’m glad experimenter rent a freak show touch me pencil lead colouring pencil words waxhackerbleesurvive in the glee open tour me baby inside ugly sit not be vomited perniciously laughing no on nothing we do that your nbew couch no, sit and enjoy I won’t go too far I’m a gogetwalk laugeffd man, laugh-fed? grain-fed? Chicken? like that with the sky verpblue words searing jet soaring seafostergulls take in sweet changed mean sqwack and resber remberrascoons whaty you tempered but true virffwhaff tell me I have touched yiur opeemerereium thst language wass thast a part vex? Or squeeze your hesrt, can I return it to niornal, o our otlook on life, stretch it all over the plsce a days visitations rectafy what was little letter love notes premium weird and interpretations

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So here’s some writing from esrl;ier tidau, tonight I guess it is, (right here, working this, it’s 9:40 pm) me I trued ti do some exersce today, I;m still sad, (I didnt sctually stsrt the exercise, I took the pre-exercuse optimizer, plant-based, healthy, safe, not a newbie to it, my routine, my 2 hour routine, 2 and a half hiours, ah , csreful, older man, creaky, ha .. but hsve to maintain, pushig the heart a little, just to keep active, not too far,, crazy ..) / but sad/from my dad;’s desth, and just picking uop thigs asgain, it was august 9^th, it’s now Octiber 13^th, so two months, mold on me, moss stroll through forest of me .. stioll a short time, and the reverberstions and aggalhappnigs attsched to it .. the gall .. the stories

So I;m tired, just a bit weaksad, eyes waterig up in gemgentlediamiondwater gentkleness

/ sometimes ..

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( ... /so here's that writing, earlier tonight, offline, this rest is "halfway to line" something, oh I'm getting better blending not so shy ..) 

8:20 pm

So you know, distortion or people adjusting heads faces like Picasso, like Francis Bacon, ah different styles distorting faces bodies really saying “can I say this to you, talk it to you?” “no, not yet, please don’t, but you can do it in art, okay?” we out here we’re not ready no one can do that we value our bodies, newborns wriggling, put them on clean carpet in living room, maybe a little dog there with them too, the baby wriggles, the doggie wriggles, both so happy!  Flailing around, happy to be alive, with abandon!  Nothing held back!  joyous seconds!  Energy is high in the room!  Tale a photo but ah it doesn’t capture it quite, ah I’m gad I was there I lived my life, well actually I’m talking about a photo I saw on somebody’s blog today, there you go, not someone I know, just a woman, bought a few little ceramic pendants off before, pretty little neutral tones? Beige brownish speckled oh, with little transfers of old chairs on them, line drawing, modified photo? I can’t remember/ they’re tucked away somewhere here .. ah life, but I was looking at her shop recently, she’s slowing down, has her newborn now.  But life is cute.  /And all this I work on, who can deny a family their happiness?  Ah there are moments.  I hope for all of us.

But yes, distortion, knowing “there is something more” reaching for the distortion we can give to each other, explain “I don’t feel all the way in my body, honey” tell your wife, “just .. oh it’s not weird it’s an ancient thing, I know we have our lives, little Sammy, and Junebug” I don’t know just made-up names, /but your wife may just cancel that out, not want it, in her mind, in her space, how she interprets you, thinks of you/ so yeah, when will society come forward, from belief systems, and artists distorting things, reaching, for little things we can’t say, art picture taken off the wall, can you say it to me “no I can’t” /so at least I said it to people here, I said it to Shae, to others, ah, you know, I’m an “artist” “a good writer” there are some parts that are good .. but yeah, quietly, generally, for all of us, in society, no matter your endeavours, line of work, /relax, /pleasure, /all of us trying to get through, some battle along the way, everybody has theirs .. /but yeah .. we cant quite get this across, where society is going, you can’t quite gather it from popular information, what it seems to mean, your mind can’t figure on that, it’s hidden, meanings, lost, gentle, polemics, shouts, diatribes, sit down, shaddup, find it from someone back in the crowd, not at the peak of the crowd, where attention seems to be devoted, look sparsely eyes turned a little from surface poetic/ blaring cheap raw performers but no spirit, easier, to take it all from them, but .. at some time you have to do the real work, a catastrophe happens, /gently nbanged happed, or jostled. On another path/ break,. Snapperd, repair, keep jorneying .. the mind is too bithered fur, too troubked, “I cant in tgis pain or I can it is the only help deep in” .. to see true peasce, trule sloeness .. in mediston, and the hurt you face on your face soaks in stones earth of the brain little undr ground rivers clean cleanse it seep it awauy if you can/ meditation, each day, datake time a little will last you an hour 2 hours, more, a little out og your day it is important for yourpain for everybodys pain shatre in thios quierty with the world/ too, in medistionm, distortion, cling to old ways bend them hammer the,m heat hem forge them/ metal thoughts, theyhurt, just as they are, go .. the bidy and mind of this timid tortured brash brassy esrth wantig tio stsy put, and hurt forginrlooki, inside, you hsve tio st with it, and wastch it, and be with it ..

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//

But yes, dustirtion, bodes nit 2 arms 2 legs, nit gioinbg to 10 srms or something no no, it’s just thoughts, eter woort rther, imsgnstion, realfraness, as you friend? in thoughtstum, in whast holds beyond any chair, any spsceship, any universe .. it takes yesrs, qquiet momleeents, addig up leemu, feeling this too, ast furst you hsve an extreme prehjudce, extreme scare4d of xenop[hobis rteajectiong the different even if it’s goold gfope you/ sacredness please mist kind ..

Ah, it’s oksty to do distort whee medustion “a one-time shir” see spce, be in a griuop at a meeting new memberts welcome, msmeruxed, eyes closed, feel the group ebergy spercial begimn CD is put on, the room enyersits p[hsase careful allopwed freaky nolt oo freaky I feel safe .. but the yesrs, by yourself, devoting, boy thst’s anther story .. deep in, cranky, like a hose whippin tryig to kick the guy/ horse? hose? behind it ledt it whip lanch or blanch or something, try not tyo, or a got you come over yes it’s a rough tryig to butt someone in the fsrmysrd, thst’s whst medustion is like, in you, against you

Distortion, past Picasso, just with uis/Sometimes, other times rumpy calmed down more angelic .. addig up, knowig froends in ‘either you try thiosor leave sit down bow yuour head don’t tal;k’ too, no one wants ti hesr thst, but we’ll watch it in a say a little movie, in the midst of tegulate everyday 24 hours .. do it very rarely .. don’t pount it out don’t have time specifically for it, and be normidal enjoy put on farce normidal wife dreams of cheeerchating for “real life” shes nop closet no one camn brteak the bonds gopto thios distortion kind realrest entity

No one wants ti hesr thst

But we do here a bitWith us, sittig with us, readdsnortl, past the dystirtion of paintigs, we laugh have ofdd hiccuip laugh/ ash with me these days not ordeting things over the internet anymore jusr still “favouriting” peoples things I like handmade but moreopver just doing my work thos isd hsrd even for me to enter it yes I dfo meditstion evetu day the full cycvle it takes 1, 2, 3, evem 5 hours, maginification sit-dow, wroting, then further writing,. Arty, in the dauy it’sa full-time job this strange lonrly experience but needed libing ther doldrimsd ehere it becomes life not holiday not strangr .. even ot out live it real, with us, say it.

“We’re glsd you’re here, Eric.”  “Thank you.”  Thast takes a lot of guts to sauy that from  yiu coming to my mind/ I do not take too much, dr, remand candy another tiome, no, we eat well, youyr tholughts to me,. mine to you, it seems hollyhonest, youi slyg it over yiour shoulder carried it to me a packsackl of that from me to you you to me meet in middle of bridge these worlds, we arzacko – mayerials, thoughjts from you/ and me backl a few weeks later, dasys,. Moments, mis,. continuum,., live thst way, not be on drugs, discuss it our ownway, prefer airwaves of meditation, thank you, perfectly sober.

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We do oksy, society wantoh it kept in paintigs, hint, from afar, think this way, workedworld people massage, as you complete sighntnuing sight light doing as you prefer do every day

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/endf’ snippet/ 9:05 pm

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//

Oh so that’s the writing offline ah I worry I’ve got a “customer base” the people “I write to” that are tapping the computer? “evil”/ ah the dancer girl, a few ex-somethings/ I don’t know, what’s to say by now, people and their perversions, and life goes on, it’s a bit odd, like I have a “friendship base” even with the police, who are contacted this way or shared this way, ah, “the reader self” in all of us, a bit different from being in a room with people/ /anyways, the memories, stark cell, there you go, not something I want to remember right now, but who does .. former lives, and the smell of it, the smell of me, lingering, however you want to put it, maybe I’m showered now, I don’t know, statements a long time ago foolish youth intelligent youth, ah, sincere statements? nah didn’t look like that way back then – confused, yet to be worked out, on money, profiteering loneliness freakish feelings don’t belong “whatdda do I do? Whddo I got to be alove fyr??” make my life, fast forwsrd 30, 40 years .. ha .. to this here now, like some weird pervemnted monk, no nit thst stained, c;mon, Ilve worked hard with my meditation, cleaning out, like any of us has troubles inside, you walk in, think you’ll spend a week or two on it, then you spend years .. it’s been 13 or 14 years now, since I started meditating, oh, my mom took ill with cancer, her doctor, a holistic doctor, suggested a hardcore very deep reaching medical grade of chi kung meditation she could try ..

Oh my poor mom it helped her, visions inside, like of washerwomen with pails and mops washing her out inside, she was so happy to tell me that, like a little kid, joyous, in sharing her vision ..

But unfortunately she passed away, /the chi kung, for its full effect, you really need to do it proactively, start when you are healthy, ah that’s a hard thing to tackle, you find these things, maybe down the road a bit, but it did help her, she had visions of horror with the cancer before the meditation, with it she found some peaceful things, so good for her, and good for me ..

I continued on it.

I “got bitten by the bug,” or you know, my mom stays with me through all this!

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Spirituality, modern, a bit odd, take off from traditional church atmosphere, ah a lot of people are repositioning themselves, what does it mean, inside them .. take a walk, see it for yourself, not take other perioople’s judgement./ yeah they seem distorted freaky not this, you’re not mean to them, but this is living a whole world inside you spreading you see facets of it each day .. I’m not repeating writings from long ago, on the surface, a little bit in, no, I go much farther in, it sure is freaky, for a while, seeing a world not of matter, our bodies are composed of matter, the ground is composed of matter, /you see a world past the edge of the universe, really, it gently shows you itself, real close by, it can travel that far, as if all the complexity physically is just removed, millions of miles, light years, even right here, this physical dimension projected, you gently go right into what scientists are merely hypothesizing on right now, and religious people too, hypothesizing, scared to go in, or never landed on the way ..

Ah meditation comes along isn’t a big blaring thing .. I sort of knew what those guys and women were doing, sitting there in cross-legged lotus positions, I didn’t put them down.  I wasn’t interested though.  I just felt “life needed to be lived.”  I didn’t see the reason why you’d sit there, I didn’t think “they were doing nothing” but I still didn’t see the reason ..

They sure don’t advertise it though, that they’re going farther, than hypothesis .. they sure don’t advertise it.

I never would have listened anyway, I was too busy with other things, it’s a gentle kiss of slowness, realization, maybe have seen you 20 years ago, slightly, 30, 35, you saw it, slightly ..

It takes this long to meet

Things go real slow like that

Busy human life and even now I have a rude mind and rude mouth combined with this

Ah in person I’m polite, quiet, but all of us, inside, messy minds, we sure do.

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I show it but complexity spikes file them down drape them with blankets, I don’t know ..

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This life this little life “a forced monastery” ah I’m more and more okay with it, oh not so interested in money anymore, always buying things, if only little things, every few days, spend a dollar or two, now not so much, ah and the masturbating to porn, no, it was never an addiction, but once every 3 weeks? But you know, interest in sex, yeah women are beautiful not so much in that game of porn, and really the lie of it seriously wrecks your chi, the delicate energy, life force you’ve worked hours and hours on .. gradually over time, ../you’ll see in the book behind this, the 7 years, more .. it takes time, no I wasn’t completely out of control, but just a pig, as all men are inside, and women too, I mean you all go about your politeness, it’s shocking to see the harshness, not just in sexually involved things, but in caring, realizing people have a deep cruelty, that pops out, and they cover it up with niceness, I want so much to believe that niceness is permanent and deep, but it isn’t.

Sadly, you know, you wake up to life, have the time “in this small suburban monastery” just a house, to realize all these things.  Fully.

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With meditation you work on the facade of niceness is removed, yes even in me, me too, your operating system “be nice, but you don’t really mean it” is removed.

You look at what it takes, to really be it for real.