We have no advertised really superiority at all, none, walk around, like the height of a piece of paper, sideways, that low, but say something.
So I did an exercise session – yah! Eric! – oh, thanks, but you know, I hope you keep fit too, or if you’ve laid off it for a while, like a month, you get back to it, I don’t know what people do, if laid off it 20 years .. oh, life, the painful things, right? or not too painful, know what is effort, what is injury, but just to face “that life isn’t all pleasantness” “ha! I thought 90% was unpleasantness, and 10% was questionable!” there you go, but exercise, and seeing the little prayer being, oh hard to get used to her, like am I not supposed to be a big strong macho man “so why don’t you feel like a 14 year-old little short or not that tall slim waif hardly there at all “do you eat enough?” wisdom, ancient wisdom “well add the wisdom part on the end there otherwise my machismo I’m not going to give it all up to just be a silly girl! You know!” ah, youth, wisdom, what are boys, young boys, what are girls, young girls, ah a lot of them, a lot of /all of them, are just stupid/ sorry to say, I’m not saying you should all be exterminated, hey I would have been one of the ones exterminated back then/ oh, woe is all of us .. how to develop, how to find a way, through all this, humans are so gorgeous in that they have possibilities, potential, but a lot of it, oh are you happy your son became an architect? are you happy your daughter is a doctor? And all these things, just to be happy, and a good person, have a little job, not be mean to people/ that’s actually quite a high asking potential waiting list there, oh good and failed father eric “ah yes, I know, not be mean, realize we’re all equal” like if you own a decent car, and you drive through the parking checkout booth there, guy there can’t afford a car like you, he’s making minimum wage, or barely above, so talk to him, ah, at least not snarl, wolf/ ah we are all weak, I don’t feel particularly muscular, stretched, toned, anyways, it’s been since september 29 that I exercised, the official routine, so nearly a month, oh, no not really, three weeks I guess, don’t make it worse than it is .. but seeing all this, a prayer being, with me, kind of difficult, you know the exercise, it just could be empty, hard, “meaningless” ah take it slow it’s been a while, be moderate, but it’s still hard, responsibilities, to stay healthy, in this “pursuit” lay all this out, a future human, what he or she is like, how do you do it, future human, of the heart, of health, and make a little money along the way, survive, ah this book, putting in the work, slowly developing, over many years .. didn’t know, particularly, what would fit in this .. no guidance really, looked past what was in life .. felt stupid, wandering, impressed by people successful in life, but still look past them, work quietly, little things, unknown things, if you can even know those .. like art, I could easily say I’m a failure in art, but the little things I have developed, past a career in art, sell your work, get a reputation, you know, hit the big time, 20’s, 30’s, but never be able to talk it in you, yeah, have papers, canvases, sculptures, ah, but in you, do you just go to your favourite tavern with the boys, get text messages on your phone “successes” you’re involved in, maybe your gallery owner ups the prices on your paintings, and actually gets them to go for it, so celebrate, sloshed in beer, and where is your life, mister man? as long as you put the heavy questions on canvas, /and live like a shit, hey anyone basketball player, sail through the air, but live like a shit, what scandal, what putrid way of living/ hey eric you got some too, yeah I know .. things happen .. do you use them, were they a statement, who laughs at that, all the way through, till now, 53 years old, well almost, another couple of days, but things happened at 20, or 19, or whenever it was, all these years, what do they mean, ah leave it alone, succumb to cover it up bury it, what does it all mean, like someone going to war, older you enjoy sitting on a saturday night, having a whiskey, watching the TV, maybe your grandson stops by, 23, 27, whatever, years, come drink with me, sit, shoot the shit, but never approach some subjects, we do good, no we don’t, all of us, we do good/.
Leave it at that.
So to develop anything. Ah, be able to feel my earth body, exercising, but it may all be projected, painted on top of electrons and atoms, to even remember that, include that, develop that far, feel a prayer being, she knows your pain, she sees that your life is hard, now let her succeed in her little life ahead of this, ahead of your exercise you’re doing right this minute – and I can actually feel that!
And then the exercise goes better. I’m carefree./ or close to it/.
We all are close to it, in some way, it triggers, hard work of a million years to get a tiny little bit of it.
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Centuries, generations, instead of a whisky on a saturday night, do this.
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We are sick, bizarre “prayer beings!? What the fuck? You crazy man! relax have a drink be with the rest of us!”
No, I don’t, and don’t come around that old life, in my mind, in person.
Don’t tempt me, ah like meeting a girl at 32, she smokes, so listen to music, and try smoking again, take it up. What a fool. And what a fool she is seeing it as such a negligible thing. “oh not that bad.” Yeah it is that bad.
And at 53, know a little more. Hard lonely life. But poetic.
Worth it. higher levels. Hard. Hard to stick to.
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Live it through. See what it becomes. Ah slips along the way, not back to smoking though, but this whole book, yeah two steps forward three steps back, jostle slam bump get all messy pick it up again try again.
Like all of us or some of us take the high road but this is what it’s really like. No advertised airbrushed special thing. Ugly.
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/endf’ snippet/ 8 pm
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//
To have something on your mind, sit at a little table in your mind, order a meal. Stay around. Get exercised. Live a life. In your spirit.
That takes a long time, even realize anything can be there, a blank space, an unused blank space.
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That none of us ever notice.
Very few of us ever notice.
I’m lucky. Noticed a little. Of it there.
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Why wake up, go around see it? not know what it is. In human terms. How you thought, from a boy, never notice “how you thought” just thought. Things came along. Not this. An extra, not humanly capable, look at, build a seat there, a bench sit look at it bleachers see a game or no game, just honesty.
About it all./ freaky// freaky meditation honesty. A good “high” boy this is fun, then it’s work, ignore most of it weed it through feel pain bad sessions keep them too, keep it all
Ah it’s itchy pavement made into balls cookies in the air push through them like stringless beads
Ever get anywhere, ask attendant sitting small in other seat of car
No one there
Only in meditation
Someone something there, freaky water cleared out drained, air drained, universe drained, what is there then, you
Ah get used to it, see it there, pull it apart, see what’s there, no
Love it
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Get to know, not everything is obvious human flesh
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